Love Relationships and Listening/Focusing Skills

Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Focused Listening and  Intuitive Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us.  Unfortunately, as time goes by, the stresses of day-to-day living and, perhaps, specific areas of conflict with our partner, wear away that romantic, in-love feeling.  We can even come to “forget” whatever drew us to this other person in the first place, and our sexual feelings for the other can become submerged as well!!

 Exchanging Listening/Focusing Turns with our beloved, significant other can be a way of recovering the feelings of love which initially drew us together.  In Listening/Focusing turns, each person can drop the defensive layers that hide the true, inner Self from the other.  When that inner Self stands exposed, that vulnerable Inner Child becomes visible, we “fall in love” all over again, remembering who it is that really lives inside of your partner. Then, it becomes much simpler to work out the more superficial, behavior-level problems that irritate or cross us in every day life. Read more about Inner Child Empathy.

So begins our Interest Area: Conscious Relationships. Please visit it to find a number of short articles, suggested books and workshops, and The Ten First Steps for incorporating Listening/Focusing skills into your intimate relationships. Dr. McGuire calls it The Way of Relationship, using Listening/Focusing skills for growth through relationship with the same discipline as you might use meditation or yoga for personal growth.

Just below you will find, from our Instant “Ahah!” Mini Manual, Instant “Ahah!” # 8, “Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy,” an exercise which can be a first step toward the kind of relationship intimacy that leads to increased sensuality and sexuality. If you begin to practice this exercise each day, you will probably find intimacy growing. At the bottom of the page, you will find links to an entire Mini-Course of blogs using this and other exercises to increase intimacy and sexuality.

“Ahah” #8 : Sharing Your Day : Instant  Intimacy

Time = Love

With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn - same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
No Problem Solving

And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
Intimacy = Sharing

That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website Free Resources, Articles.

Mini-Course: Instant Intimacy To Increased Sexuality


(Subscribe to the Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter for a year-long e-course walking you through all the Creative Edge Mini-Courses in small bites with weekly exercises to practice, and a free download of the Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual in English and Spanish. Then join the Creative Edge Practice yahoo e-group for ongoing demonstrations and support as you practice the skills)

Want to learn more about Focused Listening and Intuitive Focusing?

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These materials are offered purely as self-help skills. In providing them, Dr. McGuire is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.