Posts tagged: intimacy

HARD-WIRED FOR COLLABORATION: PHYSICAL TOUCH INCREASES PERFORMANCE

By , March 1, 2010 1:23 pm

In Born To Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life (Norton, 2009),  Dacher Keltner of UC/Berkeley discusses the relationship between physical touch and performance: a supportive touch on the shoulder can increase participation in classrooms, and new research by Michael Kraus and co-authors Cassy Huang and Keltner, soon to appear in the journal Emotion, shows that basketball teams where players touched each other, in a supportive way, performed better than those with less touch. Highest performing players were also those giving the highest number of supportive touches. As summarized in a recent article by Benedict Carey of  The New York Times, “Touchy-feely sports teams have edge, evidence suggests,”:

“A warm touch seems to set off the release of oxytocin, a hormone that helps create a sensation of trust, and to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. In the brain, prefrontal areas that help regulate emotion can relax, freeing them for another of their primary purposes: problem solving. In effect, the body interprets a supportive touch as ‘I’ll share the load.’

‘We think that humans build relationships precisely for this reason, to distribute problem solving across brains,’ says James A. Coan, a psychologist at the University of Virginia. ‘We are wired to literally share the processing load, and this is the signal we’re getting when we receive support through touch.’ ”

More evidence for the assumptions of Creative Edge Focusing (TM)’s model for Creative Edge Organizations, where more “feminine” values of support, empathy, listening, colleagiality, and attention to relationships feed the bottom line, encouraging creative problem solving through collaboration.

Free Downloads: 

Complete Focusing Instructions Manual (17 pages)

“Ajas” Instantaneos Mini-Manual

Creative Edge Focusing (TM) (www.cefocusing.com ) teaches two basic self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, which can be applied at home and at work through The Creative Edge Focusing Pyramid.

Based upon Gendlin’s Experiential Focusing (www.focusing.org ) and Rogers’ Empathic Listening, our website is packed with Free Resources and instructions in these basic self-help skills. Learn how to build Support Groups, Conscious Relationships, and Creative Edge Organizations based upon these basic skills of emotional intelligence.

Resources: Free Articles, Training, Classes

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

COLLABORATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY: TANTRA FOR BUSY COUPLES BOOK

By , March 9, 2009 11:30 am

Here is a book of interest to those seeking greater intimacy through the gentle combination of sexuality and spirituality found in Tantra, with a recommendation from internationally-known Focusing Teacher, Ann Weiser Cornell:
~~~~~~~~~~
Diana Daffner
BOOK: www.TantraforBusyCouples.com (Hunter House, March, 2009)

“As a lifelong advocate of how body awareness can bring us into connection with the present moment, I was delighted to encounter this book. With charming anecdotes and refreshing clarity, the Daffners offer a practical guide to that most elusive of states: true intimacy. Highly recommended! “–Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Daffner’s also offer educational Intimacy Retreats:

www.IntimacyRetreats.com
941 349-6804
Florida

And Diana offers a CD audio experience guiding you and your lover to greater intimacy: http://www.intimacyretreats.com/lessons2.htm

Diana also participates in Creative Edge Focusing(TM)’s e-course (three e-newsletters a week teaching skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening as applied to personal growth, creativity, spirituality, intimacy, conflict resolution, and creative problem solving at home and at work) and writes:

Dear Kathy,
 
I’ve been meaning to write to thank you for your emails. They are so rich with information and guidance. An impressive body of material. That this one referred to “intimacy” of course caught my attention!
 
~ Diana

You can subscribe to the e-course at the link below and also find links to our Mini-Course on Intimate Relationship, which includes lessons on Sharing Your Day, Equalizing Sexual Desire, Erotic Massage, Tantric Sexuality, and Sacred Spot Massage.

CREATIVE EDGE FOCUSING(tm):  SELF-HELP SKILLS FOR HOME AND WORK

Free Downloads:

Complete Focusing Instructions Manual (17 pages)

“Ajas” Instantaneos Mini-Manual

Creative Edge Focusing (www.cefocusing.com ) teaches two basic self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, which can be applied at home and at work through The Creative Edge Focusing Pyramid.

Based upon Gendlin’s Experiential Focusing (www.focusing.org ) and Rogers’ Empathic Listening, our website is packed with Free Resources and instructions in these basic self-help skills. Learn how to build Support Groups, Conscious Relationships, and Creative Edge Organizations based upon these basic skills of emotional intelligence.

You can try out    “Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You.”

Click here to subscribe to Creative Edge Focusing(TM)’s  Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!! 

Click here for a free Intuitive Focusing Mini-Course

Click here for a free Focused Listening Mini-Course

 See  Core Concept: Conflict Resolution to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

See  Core Concept: Intimate Relationship to find a complete mini-course on increasing intimacy and sexuality, including the “Sharing Your Day” exercise, Listening/Focusing Partnerships for The Way of Relationship, untangling and equalizing desire, tantric sexuality, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website, or download from links at top of this blog.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

HOLIDAY FUN AND STRESS RELIEF: FREE PERSONALITY TESTS, 12-STEP HELP WITH ADDICTIONS AND CODEPENDENCY, GRIEF WORK

By , December 20, 2008 1:59 pm

Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual

Complete Focusing Instructions Manual (17 pages)

“Ajas” Instantaneos Mini-Manual

CREATIVE EDGE FOCUSING(tm) SELF-HELP SKILLS FOR HOME AND WORK

Creative Edge Focusing (www.cefocusing.com ) teaches two basic self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, which can be applied at home and at work through The Creative Edge Focusing Pyramid.

Based upon Gendlin’s Experiential Focusing (www.focusing.org ) and Rogers’ Empathic Listening, our website is packed with Free Resources. Meet some of them below as we give suggestions for surviving and enjoying the holidays.

FREE PERSONALITY TESTS FOR FUN WITH FAMILY

Got some extra time on your hands? Family and friends to entertain? You could spend some time in the Individual Differences: Personality Tests section at Creative Edge Focusing’s website. You’ll find websites offering free and fun versions of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Keirsey Temperament Sorter, Enneagram, Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, and info on EQ, the business version of Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence. Play around with several tests. Compare among family members. Of course, these are free versions, for fun. It is more important to think about yourself and others from a variety of perspectives, “shake up” fixed images, than to put anyone in a “box.”

HELP WITH HOLIDAY ADDICTIONS OR CODEPENDENCY?

Unfortunately, the holidays can also stir up alcohol addiction and codependency as families gather. See Recovery Focusing by Suzanne Noel for a gentle combination of Focusing with the 12-Step Programs.

HOLIDAYS INCLUDE GRIEVING WHAT IS MISSING

The holidays can also include some grieving for what or who is missing. Take the opportunity to use these moments to discover“The Meaning in Tears” and to allow yourself to notice “Being Touched and Being Moved: The Spiritual Value of Tears” . Try out the simple Five Minute Grieving: What To Do If A Friend, Colleague, Loved One Starts Crying” .

CREATIVE EDGE FOCUSING ™ INSTANT “AHAH!” E-COURSE

For four weeks, we practice one Instant “Ahah!,”, one Relaxation Exercise, and one Getting A Felt Sense Exercise, with e-reminders and tips each week. Our purpose:Helping you incorporate Listening and Focusing into your everyday life.  Subscribe here.

INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, CREATIVITY, SPIRITUALITY

You might want to try Instant “Ahah!” #8 Sharing Your Day: Instant Intimacy as a simple way to get and stay connected with your significant other, regardless of surrounding turmoil. Here is a mini-course on Intimacy and Sexuality if you want to spend special time over the holidays.

You might want to try Instant “Ahah!” #9 Focusing on Creativity: From Blocks To Predictable “Ahah!”s or #10 Focusing on Spirituality: Being Touched and Being Moved. Read about Focusing and Creativity and Focusing and Spirituality

E-Newsletter Archives Now Available!

Anyone can also access the e-newsletter archives from the Free Resources submenu at Creative Edge Focusing.

AND USE THE CREATIVE EDGE PRACTICE E-GROUP FOR SUPPORT DURING THE BREAK

The Creative Edge Practice e-group for actual practice and demonstrations of Listening/Focusing is becoming a wonderful place for tender reflection, space for Focusing any time of day or night (knowing it may be some hours before you get a response), with the knowledge of a warm, Listening space out there, and interesting discussions about what we learn during the turns.

Please join us if you want company over the break! See instructions below.

Two E-Groups, Creative Edge Practice and Creative Edge Collaboration

In order to increase safety, and hopefully participation, there are now two separate Yahoo e-groups.

Creative Edge Practice is a closed group, where people can feel safe for the vulnerability of sharing Focusing experiences and responding to others with Focused Listening responses. The only requirement: a willingness to introduce yourself upon entry into the group, so everyone knows who is in the group. Further active participation is welcomed but not required.

Creative Edge Collaboration is an open group for discussion and networking around projects related to the spread of listening/focusing to various audiences and throughout the world.

You can visit the homepage of each by clicking on the link and join from there as well. You can choose “emails only” and do not have to start a yahoo account, although accounts are free.

SELF-HELP PACKAGE: MANUAL, CDS, DVD DEMONSTRATIONS

If you order the Self-Help Package, you can use the Intuitive Focusing CD to follow Dr. McGuire as she speaks these exercises and view four actual Listening/Focusing Partnership sessions on DVD.

THE GIFT OF INNER SERENITY: FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES, FAMILY

Happy holiday, trusting in the wisdom of your body!

You can try out “Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You.”

Click here to subscribe to Creative Edge Focusing(TM)’s  Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

Click here for a free Intuitive Focusing Mini-Course

Click here for a free Focused Listening Mini-Course

 See Core Concept: Conflict Resolution to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

See Core Concept: Intimate Relationship to find a complete mini-course on increasing intimacy and sexuality, including the “Sharing Your Day” exercise, Listening/Focusing Partnerships for The Way of Relationship, untangling and equalizing desire, tantric sexuality, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website, or download from links at top of this blog.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

SEX FOR SENIORS: BETTER SEX FOR A LIFETIME

By , November 30, 2008 3:30 pm

Free Downloads:

Complete Focusing Instructions Manual (17 pages)

Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual

“Ajas” Instantaneos Mini-Manual 

Okay, believe it our not, I found this in my AARP newsletter: gentle but sexy, educational and fun DVDs especially for those middle-aged and older. Real couples having real sex, overcoming issues of aging, gently introducing postures, fantasy play, G-Spot stimulation, and more to bring the spice into love-making.

You’ll learn, laugh, get turned on, and thoroughly enjoy these gentle videos. Here is the link for the 2-DVD Great Sex For A Lifetime set that makes a great starter, and don’t neglect to click on the “Free Gift With Purchase” link for more freebies  to go with your purchase.

Of course, for lasting intimacy, we at Creative Edge Focusing recommend our self-help skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening. See our easy Mini-Courses on Conflict Resolution and Intimacy below.

Tell me what you think at [email protected] or comment on this blog below !

Click here to subscribe to our Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

Click here for a free Intuitive Focusing Mini-E-course

 See Core Concept: Conflict Resolution to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

See Core Concept: Intimate Relationship to find a complete mini-course on increasing intimacy and sexuality, including the “Sharing Your Day” exercise, Listening/Focusing Partnerships for The Way of Relationship, untangling and equalizing desire, tantric sexuality, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website, or download from links at top of this blog.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

By , June 14, 2008 12:27 pm

Interest Areas: Seven Places To Start Practice Groups !!!

The Interest Areas under “Is This You” at The Creative Edge Focusing website (www.cefocusing.com ) give the First Ten Steps you might take to bring the model of Listening/Focusing into seven whole different areas of living: Organizations, Support Groups and Communities, Relationships, Parenting, Education, Spiritual Communities, and Helping Professions (psychotherapy, counselling, medicine, body work, etc.).

I am introducing you to each of these Interest Areas and possible First Steps so that you might start a Listening/Focusing practice group in any of these areas.

INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

Below you will find the Introduction to the Conscious Relationships Interest Area at www.cefocusing.com  . Just as one might undertake an ongoing, disciplined “practice” in yoga or meditation or piano or public speaking, I suggest that we turn the same kind of “conscious, disciplined practice” to our intimate relationships and friendships. Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, the Listening/Focusing Partnership Exchange skills, makes the perfect tool for growing through The Way of Relationship:

The Way of Relationship

Intimate relationships can be seen as a spiritual path, The Way of Relationship. Relationships can be a self-therapy. Relationships will point up your “blind spots” or “shadow sides” more effectively (or shall I say more quickly, anyway!) than psychotherapy.

The Way of Relationship can be practiced between lovers. The experiences of empathy which arise during the exchange of Listening/Focusing turns lead to increased emotional and physical intimacy.

The Way of Relationship can also be practiced between friends or in a spiritual or other community. The experiences of empathy, of individual uniqueness as well as common humanity common in Listening/Focusing Exchanges, can be a spiritual experience of the love called Agape, or Buber’s “I-Thou” vs. “I-It” relationship.

Harville Hendrix’ book, Getting The Love You Want, was an early one stating that it’s okay for your relationship to be “therapy.” We are attracted to people who have the capacity to heal us in some way, to move us on our journey toward wholeness. Hendricks calls it The Imago, a kind of template of the kind of person needed for your healing. Ideally, you will find a person enough like your parent to offer the experiences needed for healing but also capable of going through this healing journey with you . At www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com  , you will find more books and training programs connecting you to a network of people, through Imago Relationships International, who are committed to conscious relationship.

Gay and Kathleen Hendricks’ book, Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment, names the bedrock of good relationship as complete, absolute, and utter honesty at all times. This book and their many other books and workshops through the Hendricks Institute, www.hendricks.com  , give many concrete techniques and practices for conscious relationship.

Although there are many wonderful, established programs for Conscious Relationship such as the two above, Intuitive Focusing, as aided by Focused Listening, is the missing link in almost every program, the one thing that is usually not taught but makes all the difference in terms of whether people actually succeed in the programs or not.

Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, used in Focusing Partnerships and Interpersonal Focusing, are the bedrock self-help skills which provide a way through. They help you to stick with it when buttons get pushed. They tell you how to mine the treasure in “confrontations.” These are really confrontations with your own shadow side– the parts of yourself you can’t see – the positive aspects you devalue as well as negative aspects you do not want to accept.

The goal for everyone is “wholeness,” the integration of positive and negative shadow aspects, and we choose friends and partners who will push us toward wholeness.

Love Relationships

Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us—CLICK HERE TO GO TO INTEREST AREA: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP AT OUR WEBSITE AND READ ON, INCLUDING FIND THE FIRST TEN STEPS FOR BRINGING LISTENING/FOCUSING INTO INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS.

Go to Core Concept: Intimate Relationship to find a complete Mini-Course on increasing emotional and sexual intimacy.

Tell me what you think at [email protected] or comment on this blog below !

Click here to subscribe to our Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

 See Core Concept: Conflict Resolution to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

CREATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY — TANTRIC SEXUALITY

By , June 4, 2008 12:56 pm

Sacred Spot Massage  Click here for free download of Word article giving explicit information about Tantric Sexuality

TANTRA: THE ART OF CONSCIOUS LOVING

In ancient India sex was studied as an art form. It was known that sexual energy was a sacrament that, rightly used, would bring great harmony and joy in one’s marriage, so that love would continue to grow over the course of a lifetime, deeply bonding the partners in joyous union.” – Charles and Carolyn Muir

In their book, Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving and the DVD of the same name, Charles and Carolyn Muir (www.sourcetantra.com ), foremost teachers of Tantric Yoga, introduce the sacred sexual acts studied as an art and an expression of spirituality since ancient times. This “art of loving” has been lost to modern day lovers. The Muirs, in passionate and entertaining style re-teach these arts and skills of conscious loving. The DVD includes beautiful New Age art illustrating the yin/yang energy of tantra. This is a gentle introduction with little explicit sexuality.

In another DVD, “Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy,” available from Source School of Tantra, the Muirs teach and demonstrate the actual location and massage of the female “sacred spot,” the G-spot, and Sacred Spot orgasm. You will be onsite at one of their workshops on the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. This is very sexually explicit.

You can find these and other resources to purchase at their Store, http://www.tantrastoreonline.com/ For free articles and descriptions of Weekend and Vacation Tantric Yoga workshops, see the website at www.sourcetantra.com

 In Creative Edge Sexuality, partners can combine self-help skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, in weekly Focusing Partnership Exchanges as well as right in the moment of sexual experience, for deep exploration of positive and negative experiences related to sexuality and also for the kind of open, respectful communication which creates the relational intimacy which grounds sexuality in Conscious Loving. Please see our Interest Area: Conscious Relationships to explore the Creative Edge Focusing(TM) model, The Way of Relationship.

EDUCATING YOUNG LOVERS and RECOVERING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

Major problems with sexuality in relationships can happen throughout life. In our culture, young lovers get little education on how to proceed in mutually-satisfying lovemaking and little instruction or permission in the kind of open, honest communication necessary for satisfying sexuality. They simply flounder around for years, hurting each other’s feelings, building up walls of anger, frustration, and humiliation. Many women’s initial sexual experiences, if not in actual childhood sexual abuse through incest, take place in “date rape” situations, with little commitment, communication, or attention to mutual satisfaction. And male children are also often victims of sexual abuse.

In Jean Auel’s Clan of the Cave Bear series, she imagines an Ice-Age culture where the most empathic, sensitive young men are trained in the art of initiating the teenage women into sexual ecstasy. Both men and women enter marriage with knowledge of the skills and arts needed for sexual intimacy and satisfaction. Reading Auel’s descriptions, one hungers for a culture where sexual “secrets” are introduced with respect and sensitivity.

Because of issues of sexual abuse inherent in the concept of “older initiators” into sexual intimacy, such a model is not recommended in our culture. However, one would wish for same-sex explicit classes on sexual satisfaction in schools or, perhaps like Drivers’Education, provided optionally by outside Health Educators.

In Margo Anand’s book, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, you will find many specific exercises that lovers can do together to heal sexual abuse body-memories, recovering joy and intimacy in their relationship. This may be the best we can do to restore conscious and sensitive attention to our sensuality and sexuality. See also my blog Creative Edge Sexuality: Healing From Sexual Abuse,  for many more resources for individuals and couples overcoming sexual abuse histories.

For a Mini-Course on intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality, of which this is the latest addition, look in the sidebar of my blog for the Category: Sex. Open that Category, scroll down to the very bottom blog, the earliest, and work your way up to the most recent ones. You will read about Sharing Your Day as a method for Instant Intimacy, Scheduling “Dates” For Sexual Intimacy, Dealing with Unequal Desire, Becoming Self-Responsible for Satisfaction and Communication, and much more.

You can also find the Mini-Course at www.cefocusing.com , Category Core Concepts, then click “Intimate Relationship.”

LIFE-LONG ORGASMS

And there are particular problems which appear for post-menopausal women and aging men. As women’s hormones decrease, so too does “libido,” sexual desire, disappear, along with the natural lubricants which allow comfortable intercourse. As men age, they may experience increasing difficulty with erection and ejaculation.

Perhaps instead of testosterone for women and medication for men, G-Spot massage for women, and prostate massage for men, with or without vibrators, can be used to create healthful, wavelike, relaxing orgasms throughout the life span. The information in the downloadable article enhances sexual pleasure and orgasm at any age but can be particularly helpful when changes in hormonal levels seem to decrease desire.

To learn the actual location of the G-Spot, and how to stimulate both G-Spot and Prostate to orgasm, and about quality vibrators and lubricants, download the Word file in the link at the top of this page.

Please visit Interest Area: Conscious Relationship for the Creative Edge FocusingTM full model on how to integrate Listening/Focusing skills into relationships, The Way of Relationship.

Tell me what you think at [email protected] or comment on this blog below !

Click here to subscribe to our Instant “Ahah!” e-newsletter and get the latest exercises first!!!

 See blogs under Category: Conflict Resolution in the sidebar to find a complete mini-course on Interpersonal Focusing and Conflict Resolution, including Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Blanchard’s “One Minute Apology,” Patricia Evan’s books on Verbally Abuse and Controlling Relationships, McMahon’s Beyond The Myth Of Dominance, and much more.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY”: RE-EVALUATION CO-COUNSELING

By , April 2, 2008 2:06 pm

 “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAY!”

“I hate my job! I hate my life!”

 

Many people feel like they hate their job, and will say, when asked to participate in “Sharing Your Day”: “I hate my job! The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk about it!” and go off for a drink and TV, or some other diversion, something that helps them avoid talking about their day.

 

I think it is obvious that this is a big problem, not only in terms of increasing intimacy, but also in terms of the health and happiness of that person, as well as the relationship.

 

If a person is that unhappy in their job, then something needs to be done about it. And perhaps the first step on that path is to begin talking, begin “Sharing Your Day” with their partner. Through talking, without interruption or judgment, something new can happen, a new possible action step arise.

 

Talking without being interrupted allows automatic access to The Creative Edge, the “intuitive feel” from which new possibilities can arise. So, painful though it may seem, the first step to a new, happier life can be the simple “Sharing Your Day.”

 

Re-evaluation Co-Counseling: Just Telling Your Story Is Healing

 

In a form of peer counseling called Reevaluation Co-Counseling (click this link to find lots of information on actually trying out “RC”  http://www.rc.org/), the main “intervention”is simply “Warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” The two people sit close enough so that they can hold hands. The Listener simply looks into the Speaker’s eyes with “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention.” Each person took an equal turn as Speaker and Listener, anywhere from 20 minutes to one hour turns.

 

The Speaker starts with their earliest memories and just tells the story of their life, looking into the Listener’s eyes. As they tell their memories, the Speaker welcomes and allows any manifestation of emotion or tension discharge. In the founder, Harvey Jackin’s, list of forms of discharge, are shaking as a discharge of fear, laughing as a discharge of light fear (embarrassment, shame), yawning as a discharge of boredom, crying as a discharge of hurt and pain.  For the first several months (or perhaps the first year?!), this is all that was done. The Speaker tells their memories over and over, as long as more emotions are being discharged. New memories arise and are healed through emotional discharge. Listeners eventually also learn other “interventions” to help Speakers get out of stuck patterns and into emotional discharge, but “warm, caring, non-judgmental attention” is the main one.

 

See if you can start “Sharing Your Day.” Nonjudgmental listening, no interruptions is key! If you and your partner want to add holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes, give it a try. Read up on RC at http://www.rc.org and try out these simple peer counseling skills.

 

If either partner’s pain is so great that “Sharing Your Day” is absolutely not possible, then professional help can be sought. Click here to read about Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT).  Visit The Focusing Institute under Learning Focusing to find both  FOTs and Focusing Teachers who can help you get started in the geographical search section under Learning Focusing.

 

“How Do I Find A Life Partner?”

 

In the original Changes group, any person could have a “team” of Listening/Focusing peer helpers to help them solve a difficult life problem or write a book, whatever. I had a “team” to meet with me and plan how I was going to find a life-partner.

 

And we carried out the plan: with my team’s support, I presented on Listening/Focusing at the Association For Humanistic Psychology in Chicago that year, and I also went to a presentation that Eugene Gendlin, creator of Focusing,  was doing there. The idea: maximize the statistical probability of finding a Focusing-Oriented person to relate to. And, at the Gendlin presentation, I saw him. And, at my presentation, I met his friend. And —eventually, I married him, even though he lived in Canada —

 

So, I thought, “How about a Focusing Singles Network—- something like ‘speed dating,’ where you get to meet a lot of people, a few minutes each, but, of course, we could just use the Changes meeting format: Check In (introduction of self), then, perhaps, a Round Robin of short listening/focusing turns — well, really, just Check -In might be sufficient?” , just each person saying a little by way of introduction.

 

Anyway, someone could organize it FOR A FEE or for fun and run it as a phone free conference call or locally…I know, it might sound crazy, but, really, finding a Focusing-Oriented significant other, when you are Introverted like many of us, can be really difficult   —-  of course, this model could be developed locally, or regionally (would be ideal to have them in different languages, in different countries). Anyway, this is the seed of an idea.

 

Also, likely there might be a separate Focusing Gay Singles Network, or maybe address this issue in the introductions? I know for many gays it is difficult to somehow find out who in a group is also gay…a lot of difficult undercover work unless this is addressed directly somehow.

 

Lori Ketover is also starting to use a Focusing Support Group model to introduce small groups of people to each other by phone in order to find partners for Focusing Partnership through the Focusing Institute Focusing Partnership program — just hearing someone’s voice, seeing how they do listening/focusing, seems to really help some people match up.  So, why not extend this idea to more conscious matching up of Focusing Singles? 

 

Otherwise, my best advice to find a Focusing-oriented life-partner is to attend Focusing workshops, conferences, presentations, in your area and internationally, do presentations, participate on e-lists — I started an interesting long-distance relationship when I met someone at a Focusing International in Chicago, and he lived in California, me in Oregon.

 

Although, I met my present life-partner through the persistent efforts of a friend who was a business professor — and kept introducing me to business professors — and I have taught him Listening/Focusing since we married.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

FROM INCREASED INTIMACY TO INCREASED SEXUALITY

By , March 31, 2008 2:31 pm

Setting Up “Dates” To Insure Opportunity
 
Instant “Ahah!” # 8: “Sharing Your Day” (link to blog with exercise) will increase intimacy, sensuality, the desire for sexual closeness. However, even in the best of relationships, keeping sexuality alive seems to be aided by “making dates,” setting up specific times as protected space for sexual intimacy.
 
Remember, within a set up time, you can be as spontaneous as you want. Some people may find a certain routine creates a ritual “Sacred Space,” for others it may be important that “anything can happen.” However, once the early romance is over, and especially when jobs and children and chores and TV can gobble up all available time, it is important to set up “dates” (just like when you were first getting to know each other) which guarantee an opportunity for sexual intimacy to arise.
 
The longer couples go without having sex, the harder it can become to bridge that gap. And having sex really does increase intimacy for some people, rather than the other way around (increased intimacy increasing sexual desire). So, many couples find that aiming for two to three sexual encounters per week, along with daily”Sharing Your Day,” can be optimum for keeping the sexual channel open in the midst of busy lives.
 
Even including lighting candles, starting music, doing massage to increase sensuality, 45 minutes to an hour can be plenty of time for a wonderful sexual encounter. In the beginning, it may be important to allow more time to take away pressure. But having a wonderful, memorable “date” takes little enough time that couples can make a commitment to fit that time into their schedules.
 
Erotic Equality: Untangling Sexual Desire
 
So, one partner might say, “Two to three times a week! But I hardly ever feel like having sex!” and the other might say, “Two or three times a week! That is nowhere near enough times to meet my need!” And upon this difference in sexual desire many relationships have foundered.
 
Here are some possible solutions. They are based in the ideas of equality and negotiation basic to the entire Creative Edge Focusing model. However, for some people, they may break sexual taboos, so, if you are uncomfortable with these suggestions, feel free to stop reading! These are all links to Dr. McGuire’s blogs:
 
Erotic Massage To Increase Desire

Self-Satisfaction To Equalize Desire

Learning Self-Satisfaction

Sensitivity To Issues Of Sexual Abuse

Increasing Intimacy With Sexy Board Games

Please read entire blog entries on Conflict Resolution and Relationships in order to place Intimacy and Sensuality/Sexuality within the broader range of self-help skills of Empathic Listening and Intuitive Focusing and Interpersonal Focusing which are taught at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com .

 Intimacy comes from clear, open communication, and Listening/Focusing skills allow that communication. See Conscious Relationship Interest Area on the website for a full introduction to Dr. McGuire’s model for The Way of Relationship.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

INSTANT INTIMACY: SHARING YOUR DAY, FINDING YOUR PARTNER FASCINATING!

By , March 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Catch up on this cycle: Instant Intimacy Introduction Week One blog
 
Kathy’s Experiences:
 
So, this week my husband and I shared every day, using Instant “Ahah!” #8, as we always do. We shared in front of the fireplace, or by candle light, in the hottub, etc. We had a glass of wine, 20-40 minutes usually, shorter when we had spent the day together anyway. One night we had more wine, more conversation, and ended up in passionate love-making (this in addition to our “planned dates” for love making, a concept which I will introduce in next week’s e-newsletter).
 
Mind you, we have a 17-year old handicapped daughter who needs almost constant supervision. We put her on the treadmill or sat her down with her meal or set up a good movie. We used to do this with two children at home, one a teen with ADHD needing constant homework supervision. We still did it.
 
My husband gets up at 5:30AM to get my daughter to the bus, commutes an hour to and from a very responsible job, gets home around 5PM, we usually start sharing by 6PM, before dinner. He looks forward to it even more than I. We’ve been doing it for over 10 years (I had been divorced once, he twice. I said, “If we don’t do this, we will likely get divorced. He believed me.)
 
I know all about his job: the assessment committee he chairs, peer review evaluations, the Faculty Senate, the new dean and new department chair, faculty leaving and being hired, interpersonal dynamics among staff, his own plans for retiring, the courses he designs and runs, his 200 students and how their personal concerns enter into his teaching.
 
Mind you, he is a professor of business and, when we began, I actually had a prejudice against business, finding it “meaningless.”
 
I also know a lot about how wood twists if not used right away, why he uses screws instead of nails when making decks, the ins and outs of various light bulb choices, how many trips to the home center it takes to find just the right piece to fix a toilet or dripping sink, etc.
 
I also know all about the many “bells and whistles” on his new car,
his excitement about them, what he is learning from reading the manual, what he learns from reading lots of manuals for cars, boats, computers, etc., which we have. I never read manuals.
 
Actually, there were years when I thought his day was too boring, that he should be a “deeper person” like me, be doing something more “meaningful.” (He is a Sensor on the MBTI, very tied to present reality through the five senses, an ISTJ Guardian, a Beaver; I am an Intuitive, tied to the sixth sense, an INFJ Idealist, a Dolphin. See Personality Tests at Creative Edge Focusing so you and your partner can take them). Then, I began to tackle my own inferior Sensing, learning how to deal with accomplishing things in reality. As I became more “boring” myself, I gained more respect for his way. And he learns about “intuition” from me.
 
He reminds me of intimate moments we have had which come back to him. He catches me up on his family in Holland and Oregon, interactions with our daughter’s teachers and other staff. He tells me how beautiful I am.  Etc.
 
Actually, I just thought it would be quite difficult for him or anyone else doing “Sharing Your Day” to be having an affair and not telling, or to be keeping other secrets. We look into each other’s eyes while sharing.
 
Don’t most affairs happen because the Other Person “listens to me,” “finds me interesting, special,” as well as more sex? Let’s think of  “Sharing Your Day,” and the increased intimacy leading to more sexuality it provides, as “Anti-Affair Innoculation”!
 
I’d be interested to know what my husband would tell you about me from our “Sharing Your Day.”: my night-time dreams, hypochondri -ical body sensitivities, the interpersonal interactions in the 10 organizations I belong to and 10 e-discussion lists, my website marketing learnings and hassles and problems, the battles I am fighting to make the world a better place (there are always several), my worries about our son’s little family, where I went shopping and what I bought, my gardening endeavors, etc., etc.
 
If you aren’t already, please get to know your significant other in this intimate way. Sensuous and sexual intimacy will follow.
 
Use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle (see recent blogs under Conflict Resolution), as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences to help you if you are “stuck.” And Instant “Ahah!” #1 to work on “What is in the way?” in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.
 
INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The “Sharing Your Day” Exercise Itself
 
This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.
 
But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.
 
Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.
 
If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You  to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a  possible first step:
 
 
Instant “Ahah!” # 8 :Sharing Your Day : Instant  Intimacy
 
© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com
 
Time = Love
 
     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.
 
     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.
 
Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism
 
      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes
 
     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).
 
    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
 
No Problem Solving
 
     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
 
Intimacy = Sharing
 
     That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.
 
     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.
 
     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY

By , March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

Instant “Ahah!” #8: Instant Intimacy: Sharing Your Day 
 
This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.
 
But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.
 
Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.
 
If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You  to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a  possible first step:
 
 
instant “ahah!” 8
 
Sharing Your Day : Instant  Intimacy
 
© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com
 
Time = Love
 
     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.
 
     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.
 
Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism
 
      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes
 
     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).
 
    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
 
No Problem Solving
 
     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
 
Intimacy = Sharing
 
     That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.
 
     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.
 
     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

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