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By Kathy McGuire, March 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Catch up on this cycle: Instant Intimacy Introduction Week One blog
 
Kathy’s Experiences:
 
So, this week my husband and I shared every day, using Instant “Ahah!” #8, as we always do. We shared in front of the fireplace, or by candle light, in the hottub, etc. We had a glass of wine, 20-40 minutes usually, shorter when we had spent the day together anyway. One night we had more wine, more conversation, and ended up in passionate love-making (this in addition to our “planned dates” for love making, a concept which I will introduce in next week’s e-newsletter).
 
Mind you, we have a 17-year old handicapped daughter who needs almost constant supervision. We put her on the treadmill or sat her down with her meal or set up a good movie. We used to do this with two children at home, one a teen with ADHD needing constant homework supervision. We still did it.
 
My husband gets up at 5:30AM to get my daughter to the bus, commutes an hour to and from a very responsible job, gets home around 5PM, we usually start sharing by 6PM, before dinner. He looks forward to it even more than I. We’ve been doing it for over 10 years (I had been divorced once, he twice. I said, “If we don’t do this, we will likely get divorced. He believed me.)
 
I know all about his job: the assessment committee he chairs, peer review evaluations, the Faculty Senate, the new dean and new department chair, faculty leaving and being hired, interpersonal dynamics among staff, his own plans for retiring, the courses he designs and runs, his 200 students and how their personal concerns enter into his teaching.
 
Mind you, he is a professor of business and, when we began, I actually had a prejudice against business, finding it “meaningless.”
 
I also know a lot about how wood twists if not used right away, why he uses screws instead of nails when making decks, the ins and outs of various light bulb choices, how many trips to the home center it takes to find just the right piece to fix a toilet or dripping sink, etc.
 
I also know all about the many “bells and whistles” on his new car, his excitement about them, what he is learning from reading the manual, what he learns from reading lots of manuals for cars, boats, computers, etc., which we have. I never read manuals.
 
Actually, there were years when I thought his day was too boring, that he should be a “deeper person” like me, be doing something more “meaningful.” (He is a Sensor on the MBTI, very tied to present reality through the five senses, an ISTJ Guardian, a Beaver; I am an Intuitive, tied to the sixth sense, an INFJ Idealist, a Dolphin. See Personality Tests at Creative Edge Focusing so you and your partner can take them). Then, I began to tackle my own inferior Sensing, learning how to deal with accomplishing things in reality. As I became more “boring” myself, I gained more respect for his way. And he learns about “intuition” from me.
 
He reminds me of intimate moments we have had which come back to him. He catches me up on his family in Holland and Oregon, interactions with our daughter’s teachers and other staff. He tells me how beautiful I am.  Etc.
 
Actually, I just thought it would be quite difficult for him or anyone else doing “Sharing Your Day” to be having an affair and not telling, or to be keeping other secrets. We look into each other’s eyes while sharing.
 
Don’t most affairs happen because the Other Person “listens to me,” “finds me interesting, special,” as well as more sex? Let’s think of  “Sharing Your Day,” and the increased intimacy leading to more sexuality it provides, as “Anti-Affair Innoculation”!
 
I’d be interested to know what my husband would tell you about me from our “Sharing Your Day.”: my night-time dreams, hypochondri -ical body sensitivities, the interpersonal interactions in the 10 organizations I belong to and 10 e-discussion lists, my website marketing learnings and hassles and problems, the battles I am fighting to make the world a better place (there are always several), my worries about our son’s little family, where I went shopping and what I bought, my gardening endeavors, etc., etc.
 
If you aren’t already, please get to know your significant other in this intimate way. Sensuous and sexual intimacy will follow.
 
Use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle (see recent blogs under Conflict Resolution), as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences to help you if you are “stuck.” And Instant “Ahah!” #1 to work on “What is in the way?” in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.
 
INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The “Sharing Your Day” Exercise Itself
 
This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.
 
But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.
 
Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.
 
If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You  to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a  possible first step:
 
 
Instant “Ahah!” # 8 :Sharing Your Day : Instant  Intimacy
 
© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com
 
Time = Love
 
     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.
 
     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.
 
Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism
 
      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes
 
     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).
 
    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
 
No Problem Solving
 
     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
 
Intimacy = Sharing
 
     That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.
 
     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.
 
     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

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By Kathy McGuire, March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

Instant “Ahah!” #8: Instant Intimacy: Sharing Your Day 
 
This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.
 
But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.
 
Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.
 
If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You  to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a  possible first step:
 
 
instant “ahah!” 8
 
Sharing Your Day : Instant  Intimacy
 
© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com
 
Time = Love
 
     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.
 
     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.
 
Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism
 
      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes
 
     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).
 
    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
 
No Problem Solving
 
     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
 
Intimacy = Sharing
 
     That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.
 
     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.
 
     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, March 14, 2008 2:54 pm

Replacing The Myth of Dominance With The  Personal Power of Focusing
 
In his book, Beyond The Myth Of Dominance: An Alternative To A Violent Society, Father Ed McMahon, co-founder of the Biospiritual Focusing approach, makes the same point as Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication: our greatest power in trying to persuade another is, not coercion, but personal power: sharing from our own inner experiencing.
 
McMahon makes the additional point that “personal power” comes from becoming congruent with our own inner Selves. We have to know our own Selves thoroughly in order to communicate honestly with the other and to take responsibility for moral action.
 
Trying To Dominate Ourselves, Our Familiars, Our Global Neighbors
 
McMahon questions the idea of dominance when applied at all levels:
 
Intrapsychically, we try to dominate our own inner selves, telling ourselves what we should feel, instead of turning a Caring Feeling Presence toward all the different aspects of ourselves, our conflicts, and using Focusing to let the “whole” story unfold from our body’s intuitive knowing of the whole situation, being honest with ourselves.
 
Interpersonally, we try to dominate other people by telling them what they should feel, instead of vulnerably sharing our own perspective through Intuitive Focusing and using Focused Listening to hear the perspective of another until a mutually-acceptable solution arises.
 
As whole cultures and communities, we try to force people to conform, tell them what they should feel, invite them to “give their personal power over” to us and our institutions, instead of encouraging and facilitating “inner congruence with one’s own truth,” the root of conscience and personal power.
 
Dominance Erodes The Basis Of Civilization
 
In describing the rise and fall of great previous civilizations, McMahon says:
 
“However, the dark side of such a basically closed system of authority residing not in the people but in the preservation of ritual and in the absolute powers of the leader was that corruption and the abuse of people soon wormed their way into the system. Disintegration of the culture was inevitably not far behind. In all these civilizations, there was really no empowerment given to the ordinary person, and thus no lasting source for continuing growth and health in the society. When the power source became corrupt, the civilization fell to pieces” (p. vi)
 
Dominance Includes Trying To “Fix” Others
 
And in describing even the attempts of “social activists” to “fix” the world by telling people what they “should” do, he quotes a feminist learning about using Focusing to turn a Caring Feeling Presence toward the inner experiencing of herself and others:
 
“I have been active in working for women’s rights for years, and I can see now what a difference it would make in our effectiveness if we were as committed to caring for and listening to our own anger and hurt as we are to this important cause. I think it would change the ‘feel’ people have when they encounter many of us, as well as our tactics in trying to bring justice and peace into the world.” (p. 92)
 
Approaching people with confrontation and antagonism and blaming makes people defensive. Dominance disempowers the other. Sharing from your own “personal power,” your own vulnerability and experience of being-you-in-the-world allows people to listen instead of arguing back. At the same time, it strengthens your own “congruence,” your own capacity to take a stand for your own point of view. And refusing to dominate strengthens the personal power of the other.
 
The Interpersonal Focusing Protocol 
 
You can read the entire Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and in Spanish, from my manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad). Click here for a free download through my blog. It gives explicit instructions and examples. Also, you can read the Interpersonal Focusing Case Studies at www.cefocusing.com .

However, here is the simple Interpersonal Focusing Protocol as summarized in that chapter:
TABLE  5.1
 
HOW  TO  USE INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING
 
ALLOW TWO HOURS
 
FIRST STAGE:  CLARIFICATION OF THE ISSUE
                             (several five or ten minute turns)
 
(a)    Owning instead of blaming:
       “I feel —” instead of “You are —”
 
(b)    Behavioral specificity instead of
       generalizations:
       “When you  —” instead of “You are —”
       “When you do — , I feel —”
 
SECOND STAGE:  GOING DEEPER
   (one or more twenty minute turns for
     each person)
 
(a)     Use Focusing on your own hurt feeling:
       “What’s in this for me?”
 
(b)    Honestly try to discover your own
        part in the interaction:
       “Why does this bother me so much?”
 
(c)  The other person uses Focused Listening to respond
 
AN OPTION:  USING A THIRD PERSON AS A LISTENING FACILITATOR
The Third Person uses Focused Listening to respond to each person in turn
 
                                   (a)  Allows for the expression of angry
                                          feelings in a protected way
 
(c)     Protects against issues of distortion
       And mutual distrust

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 
 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, March 5, 2008 1:57 pm

 Verbally-Abusive Patterns of Speech: Dominance The Goal
 
In her remarkable book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans walks us “blow-by-blow” through transcripts illustrating how an individual can use verbal abuse to establish dominance over another person.
 
She states that the verbally abusive person sees every interaction as a contest for dominance. There is no equality. One person will be one-up, the other person one-down. Verbalizations are used with this purpose, constantly establishing dominance: “I am better than you. I am more powerful than you. I am saner than you. I am more worthy than you.”
 
Often the abuser is not shouting but presenting a “totally rational” view: “Why are you being so emotional?” “Everyone knows that you are too dramatic.” “Such-and-such expert does it my way,” “You made the same mistakes with your previous husband,” etc., etc.
 
Read the transcripts in the book to see how the other, who may be approaching the conversation with a more egalitarian, vulnerable point of view, cannot understand what is going on and comes to accept the blame, seeing him- or herself as crazy and bad.
 
Evans has a second book, Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try To Control You.
 
Taking a Focusing Turn: Immediately Acknowledging “Ownership”
 
On the contrary, in an interpersonal conflict, as soon as I initiate “taking a Focusing turn to ‘sense into’ ‘How is this whole thing FOR ME?'”, I move from dominance into vulnerability and the use of “personal power,” the congruence of my own inner truth, instead of coercion, convincing YOU what to think/feel. The language of Intuitive Focusing immediately points to the existence of a “felt sense” in me, an “intuitive feel” that I can explore:
 
“Being the kind of person I am, I find this kind of situation controlling. Let me ‘sense into’ how that is for me, where that feeling comes from.”
 
“I don’t know how you are seeing things, but, for me, this is scary and anxiety-provoking. Let me take some time to ‘sit with’ that whole thing in me, and then you can have a turn to say how it is for you.”
 
“Something is going on here, in this group, I don’t know what it is, but I’m finding myself all balled up, unable to think clearly. I’d like to sense into ‘that whole thing’ and see what my body has to say.”
 
Yelling At The Wall: Space for Irrationality Can Lead To Felt Sensing
 
Although I like the power of Marshall Rosenberg’s rubric for Non-Violent Communication in illustrating that we create our own “felt response” out of our interpretations of the behaviors of others, I find that trying to use such a rubric to frame my communications in the actual moment of confusing interaction is too intellectual for me. It takes me away from my “felt-sensing” of the situation, the place for Intuitive Focusing.
 
Sometimes, I actually need to be able to start out screaming in a blaming way: “You — You — You — !”. Once I have stepped into the “owning” position of my own Focusing Turn, I can yell these blaming statements at the wall. I am already owning that they are my own “reaction.” Perhaps a third person Listening Facilitator, using Focused Listening, can reflect them back to me so that I can begin to take the reaction back inside of myself, find the “intuitive feel” of “How this whole thing is for me, being the person I am”:
 
“So, Kathy, you are so furious that you feel that Sally is doing this on purpose.”
 
“So, Kathy, the way you are seeing it, Sally really is trying to steal your husband.”
 
“So, Kathy, I’m hearing that, because of the person you are, you are experiencing this situation as a manipulation. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SENSE INTO HOW THIS IS FOR YOU, WHAT COMES IN THE FOCUSING PLACE INSIDE?”. 
 
And, here, because a Focusing turn points to and assumes each person’s own inner experiencing as a ‘felt sense’ which underlies their way of being-in-a-situation, there is a natural movement into “owning” and the vulnerability of sharing that personal inner truth. Often, as soon as a Focuser turns from blaming the other to “This is how it is for me,” the Focuser’s anger turns into the vulnerability of tears and hurt. Seeing this vulnerability, the other person becomes much more likely to respond with empathy and a willingness to work toward a mutual solution.
 
The Interpersonal Focusing Protocol
 
So, I prefer the use of the Interpersonal Focusing protocol, Listening/Focusing Turns for each participant.
 
 Because this issue of Interpersonal Focusing is so important to me, I have made the entire Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and in Spanish, from my manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad) available as a free download through my blog (see link below). In the chapter, you will find :
 
A perspective for seeing an angry person as a hurting person
 
Martin Buber’s view that the only appropriate “confrontation” has the goal of moving from “I-It” to “I-Thou” relationship
 
Complete presentation of the actual protocol for Interpersonal Focusing
 
Many examples of “felt shifts” in relational difficulties through the exchange of Listening/Focusing Turns.
 
For your exercise today, please read the entire chapter as your best introduction to the actual practice of Interpersonal Focusing, which we will consider in Week Four of this cycle.

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package, multi-media help in learning Listening/Focusing Skills .

  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” and Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication )

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, March 2, 2008 5:02 pm

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package .

  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” )

USING NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC) FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

My comments below are based upon my introduction to Rosenberg’s work 30 years ago. I stick with them because his early rubric made the difference between actual observed behavior, a person’s interpretation of that behavior, and, BECAUSE OF THIS PERSONAL INTERPRETATION, a person’s emotional reaction to a behavior, so very clear.

However, you can catch up on Rosenberg’s many advances, new books, refinements of theory, and find workshops and teachers, all at www.cnvc.org . In particular, there has been great amplification of the Needs/Wants part of the rubric, and many teachers have explicitly incorporated Gendlin’s Focusing into their teaching of NVC
 
Marshall Rosenberg’s Basic Rubric:
 
“When you did (observable behavior), I thought (my interpretation), and THEREFORE I felt (my internal feeling state). I want (a specific action as a step in resolving the situation).”
 
In Interpersonal Focusing: This Flower is Beautiful TO ME Week One, I contrasted domination through “objective” statement of the “facts” or “blaming” through locating causation in the Other with empowering communication through “owning” and sharing one’s own more vulnerable subjective experiencing of situations.
 
In Interpersonal Felt Sensing: Exercise, I invited you to look for the “intuitive feel,” the experience in your own body, of being in up to five different “unresolved” interpersonal situations.
 
Today, I ask you to take these same five experiences and try formulating them in the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) paradigm of Marshall Rosenberg.
 
Marshall Rosenberg has been teaching his model for Nonviolent Communication since at least the 1970’s, when many of us involved in the original Changes Listening/Focusing Community also studied with him. He has refined his model over the years and published numerous books for applying NVC to relationships, parenting, and conflict resolution in organizations and the global community. But I am going to lay out his paradigm in the simple terms which have stuck with me for over thirty years.
 
A. Observable Behavior
 
The observable behavior of the other which led you to have an interpersonal “reaction.” This must be as specific, concrete, non-interpreted, and observable as you can make it. E.g., anyone could see the same behavior, although “interpretation” of it might vary:
 
“When you clinched up your teeth and shook your fist…”
“When you arrived one hour after our appointed time…”
“When you sat down next to Jane…”
“When you handed in your report two days early…”
When you borrowed $100 dollars from me and had not repaid it by Jan.1…”

B. Your Interpretation
 
Your interpretation of the observable behavior: What you thought:
 
“…I thought you were angry at me…”
“…I thought you didn’t care about me, didn’t respect my time…”
“…I thought you liked her more than me…”
“…I thought you were trying to earn brownie points…”
“…I thought you were never going to pay it back…”

C. Your Feeling “Reaction” To Your Interpretation

The feeling or “felt sense” that came inside of your body because of  this interpretation:
“…and THEREFORE I felt afraid…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt angry…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt jealous and insecure…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt fearful and like fighting back…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt insecure and angry…”
(see List of feeling words on NVC website for help)

D. Your Want or Need in This Situation

A specific action step you “want” to resolve the situation:
“I would like you to tell me if I did something specific to anger you.”
“I would like you to tell me how you do feel about me and what caused you to be late.”
“I want you to clarify how you feel about Jane and how you feel about me.”
“I want you to tell me your own thinking about handing the report in early.”
“I want you to tell me when and if you are planning to pay the money back.”
(see List of Wants/Needs on NVC website for help — actually, this step is more complicated, a deeper acknowledgment of your Core Beliefs and related Needs/Wants)

“Thinking” Masquerading as “Feeling”

I ask you to take your own specific unresolved interpersonal situations from last week’s Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise and try to formulate a sentence for each using Rosenberg’s rubric —
 
“When you (observable behavior)…I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt (internal feeling state)…I want (specific action).”
 
Please notice especially how often “thinking,” (“interpretation,” “blaming the other”) masquerades as “feeling” (an actual internal emotional experience, like sadness, anger, joy, elation, nervousness, fear, greed):
 
“I feel like you don’t care about me” = “I think you don’t care about me, and therefore I feel…”
 
“I feel like you are angry with me” = “I observe your clinched teeth, shaking fist, and I think you are angry with me, so I feel frightened…”
 
“I feel oppressed” = “I think I am being oppressed by you, and I feel small, paralyzed, angry…”
 
“I feel manipulated” = “I think you are manipulating me, and I feel anxious, powerless, angry…”
 
Next week I will tell why I prefer an Interpersonal Listening/Focusing exchange to pure use of Nonviolent Communication for problem resolution.
 
And, I am not an expert in NVC, especially the latest refinements (you might see Leona’s blogs on NVC for a more thorough version of the exercise above , including the relationship between Thinking Interpretations, Core Beliefs, and unmet Needs/Wants, and many other applications of NVC exercises to real life situations). But you will learn a lot if you just try the simple rubric —
 
“When you (specific behavior), I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt…I want…”

What were the specific behaviors I observed which I then interpreted?
What might be some alternate interpretations for those behaviors?
What do I learn about myself from my interpretations?
Can I see how I might use “blaming” interpretations of the other’s behavior as a mask over “owning” and sharing my more vulnerable feelings and needs?
How do my Core Beliefs about myself and my Wants/Needs color my interpersonal “reactions” and “interpretations”?

See top of this blog for links to download complete manual Chapter on Interpersonal Focusing in English or Spanish. 

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, February 17, 2008 5:55 pm

 PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
 
This is the beginning of a new four week cycle. For four weeks, we practice an actual exercise in three different categories: An Instant “Ahah!” to integrate into your every day life at work and at home, a Felt Sensing exercise to practice this step of Focusing, and a Complete Focusing Session. Actually doing the exercise which  arrives in each e-newsletter insures that you can call upon these new skills when needed!
COMPLETE FOCUSING SESSION: SITTING WITH THE CREATIVE EDGE OF AN INTERPERSONAL SITUATION
 
Earlier this week you received Interpersonal Focusing : “This flower is beautiful To ME”, showing how owning our own reactions, instead of blaming them on the other, actually empowers us to begin to change interpersonal situations, and Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise, inviting you to find the bodily, “intuitive feel” of five unresolved interpersonal situations (that blog also contains links to downloads of Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing (Capitulo Cinco: El Proceso Interpersonal) from Dr. McGuire’s manual, Focusing In Community (Focusing en Comunidad).
 
In the Complete Focusing Session for each of the next four weeks, you will be invited to take one of these interpersonal situations and sense into, “sit with” it in a Focusing way, seeing what new information about yourself-in-this-situation can unfold. 
 
Throughout the month, we will also explore methods for communicating and using Listening/Focusing turns with the actual other person as a way of resolving interpersonal conflict. The “felt sense” in each person in an interpersonal situation contains a Creative Edge which, when shared,  can carry both problem solving and relationship forward.
 
But, in Complete Focusing, you are going more deeply into “owning” the personal dimension of the interaction for yourself, given the person that you are.
 
Focusing On A Specific Interpersonal Situation (20 minutes) Click the link to find the actual Complete Focusing exercise in our e-newsletter archive.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, February 12, 2008 6:18 pm

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package .

  INTERPERSONAL FELT SENSING EXERCISE !!!!!  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” )

Exercise: The “Felt Sense” of Various Interpersonal Situations
 
In the Complete Focusing exercise for these four weeks, we will do an Intuitive Focusing process with a variety of Interpersonal Situations, hoping to experience a “felt shift,” a true “paradigm shift” in our experiencing of ourselves and the Other in such situations.
 
But, for today, I’m asking you just to make a map, or a list, of unresolved Interpersonal Situations you are carrying and to try to find a bodily “felt sense,” the “intuitive feel” and a “handle” word or image which can help you go back to each of these Interpersonal Situations during later Complete Focusing Sessions. I’m suggesting that you take some notes for later reference, on The Specific Situation/Person, the “whole body feel” of being in that situation/with that person, and some words/images/gestures which capture “the feel of it all.”
 
Initially, we will work internally, using Felt Sensing and Complete Focusing to clarify the interpersonal dimension of situations for ourselves. As we proceed, we will also study and practice procedures for resolving such situations with the other person, if necessary. However, you will not be asked or forced to speak about any of your material to another person if you choose not to!!!! A lot of “resolution” can be done internally. Sharing Interpersonal Focusing with another is for the purpose of increased bonding and support for change. It is not required.
 
Felt Sense of Interpersonal Situations Exercise (at least 20 minutes) Find and practice the exercise, with five unresolved interpersonal situations at this e-newsletter archive link.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, February 11, 2008 5:15 pm

Honoring “Subjectivity”: “This flower is beautiful TO ME”
 
We tend to use pseudo- objectivity, pseudo-factualism, pseudo-logic to assert our view of the world over others, to “win” arguments:  “Mine is the only, the right, the correct way of seeing. The way I see it is ‘the facts.'” This way of communicating either crushes The Other or makes them defensive. It does not encourage person-to-person communication and problem resolution.
 
Rollo May, a founder of the existentialist tradition in psychology and philosophy (May, R., Angel, E., and Ellenberger, H.F., Eds., Existence, p.63) states:
 
“Suzuki has remarked that in Eastern languages, such as Japanese, adjectives always include the implication of ‘for-me-ness.’ That is to say, ‘this flower is beautiful’ means ‘for me this flower is beautiful.'”
 
Self-Reflection Instead of Reaction: “Owning” Instead of “Blaming”
 
“You are a f_____b_____!” (to me)
“It’s not fair!” (from my point of view)
“You are hurting me!” (Something in me says “You are hurting me!”)
“I want to tear your eyes out!” (Something in me wants to tear your eyes out!)
“I am deeply offended by what you have done” (Being the kind of person I am, I am deeply offended by what you have done)
 
Just these little steps of self-ownership begin to locate our reactions to other people inside of ourselves, to turn them into “felt senses,” “intuitive feels” that we can work with in a Focusing way: “What is all of this TO ME?”  “What is the feel of this interaction from the inside?”  “How is it that this grabs me?” We can begin to become self-reflective rather than purely reactive, completely “controlled” by the other person and our situations.
 
Similarly , as a Focused Listener in an Interpersonal Focusing process, we can help the Focuser, the Speaker to “disidentify” from their projections upon The Other and to turn their attention, in an Intuitive Focusing way, toward the “feel of this interaction FOR ME,” the “felt sense” of how this situation is FOR ME.
 
The Focuser, the Speaker says “He did it on purpose. He is trying to control me!” The Listening Facilitator can reflect, “Something in you is saying, ‘He did it on purpose. He is trying to control me!’ Can you sense how that feels inside?” Or “Just say ‘Hello’ to that part of yourself.” Or “So the way you see it, he is doing it on purpose — Can you stop and sense into how that is for you?”
 
 “Dis-identifying” From Our Reaction To The Other
 
Ann Weiser Cornell has eloquently defined the importance of “dis-identifying” ourselves from the many different “parts” or “aspects” of our felt-experiencing. In her model, as we stand in a neutral position of Presence, not identified with any of the warring inner “parties,” we are able to acknowledge, to say “Hello” to, to make space for each of these. And, as we do, we can become aware of the “intuitive feel,” the “bodily-felt sense,” The Creative Edge of deeper meaning called forth by each.
 
Similarly, we can use “dis-identification” in separating ourselves from our reactions to other people, finding the “felt sense” within ourselves of an interpersonal situation.
 
Self-Empowerment and Hope For Communication
 
This step from reactivity to self-reflection empowers us. Instead of being “hooked,” a puppet on the strings of our triggers, we regain the power to change our interpersonal situations: “What is this all about FOR ME?”
 
Does this mean other people can’t hurt you, can’t be doing something to hurt you or make you angry? No it does not. It is possible for people to hurt each other, for someone to act in such a way as to hurt or humiliate another person. However, even if this is somewhat the case, screaming with blame “You are_____! You did____!” is not going to reach the other person, allow you to communicate. Even if you are sure you are “in the right,” the best way to communicate with the other is from the position of “owning”: “Because of the kind of person I am, I saw you as trying to control me — I’d like to explore that feeling in me and share with you in that way.”
 
A favorite image: Two cats, their hackles up, caught on the brink of attack, each totally “hooked in” to reactivity toward the other. Instead of attacking, one lies down on its back, bares its throat to the other, a posture of peace-making. The other is then allowed to relax, and confrontation is avoided.
 
So, by beginning to look inside of ourselves for the wider “felt sensing,” the “intuitive feel” of our interactions with others, we become equipped with a tool that is not just self-empowering but has the capacity for peacemaking.
 
Throughout the month, we will explore a variety of methods for finding the “felt sense” in the midst of interpersonal situations and using it effectively, for self-empowering “felt shifts” as well as conflict-resolving communication.

Try out the first Interpersonal Focusing exercise: Felt Sense of Interpersonal Situations in our e-newsletter archive.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, January 4, 2008 6:40 pm

Listening To Your Child: Developing An Inner Guide, Not Only Outer Authority

Authoritarian child rearing was effective in producing the assembly-line workers needed by an industrializing society. Times have changed. Now businesses want to hire flexible, creative, self-directing team players.

Families have also changed. Large farming families needed military-style discipline to keep everyone in line. In today’s one or two-child families, parents can give attention to the unique personality of each child.

As we struggle for equality between men and women in relationships, we also look for ways in which children can be treated as persons with dignity and rights.

In the 1950s, psychologist Carl Rogers took a stand against the authoritarianism inherent in psychoanalytic and behavioral theories of psychotherapy and created “client-centered” psychotherapy. The therapist did not impose values or goals upon the client but acted only to facilitate the unfolding of each person’s unique way of being in the world. Rogers later called his movement the “person-centered” approach, and it spread to education, childrearing, and peer self-help.

Rogers created “empathic listening.” The therapist tried to hear the client as if standing in the client’s shoes. He or she would then try to reflect back the client’s own words such that the client could hear him or herself more clearly. The client continued clarifying and articulating his or her own vision until the words and images exactly fit inner experiencing. Just this — finding exactly the right words or images for unclear body sensings or intuitions — allowed the client to move forward, to become more clear about values, goals, and action steps.

Empathic listening became the basis of many self- help techniques, including the “active listening” of Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training, and Faber & Mazlish’s How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, How To Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Eugene Gendlin, a student of Rogers, discovered a further essential thing about human beings: they could only change, through therapy or through life experiences, if they were able to check with and refer to their present bodily “feel” of living in situations. He called this self- checking “Focusing” and developed self-help and therapeutic techniques for teaching people this self-healing capacity (Focusing, Bantam, 1981).

“Child-centered” or “positive” parenting applies Listening and Focusing skills to raising children such that they do not lose the capacity for self-checking — for articulating and being guided by their own unique vision and for taking responsibility for their own behavior. A three-prong approach is necessary: listening to your child, listening to your partner, and listening to your own Inner Child. Read more about Inner/Outer Parenting

See our Interest Area: Positive Parenting

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency” .

Spend some fun time taking some of the Personality Tests and discovering your “differing gifts,” your Temperaments, your varying Multiple Intelligences, your Shadow Side in the Enneagram.

–Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

Download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (”Ajas” Instantaneos en espanol) for ten exercises bringing Listening and Focusing into your everyday life starting today.

Download our complete Intuitive Focusing Instructions to start practicing Relaxation, Getting a Felt Sense, and Intuitive Focusing today!

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, December 14, 2007 2:02 pm

Love Relationships

 Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us.  Unfortunately, as time goes by, the stresses of day-to-day living and, perhaps, specific areas of conflict with our partner, wear away that romantic, in-love feeling.  We can even come to “forget” whatever drew us to this other person in the first place, and our sexual feelings for the other can become submerged as well!!

 Exchanging Listening/Focusing Turns with our beloved, significant other can be a way of recovering the feelings of love which initially drew us together.  In Listening/Focusing turns, each person can drop the defensive layers that hide the true, inner Self from the other.  When that inner Self stands exposed, that vulnerable Inner Child becomes visible, we “fall in love” all over again, remembering who it is that really lives inside of your partner. Then, it becomes much more simple to work out the more superficial, behavior-level problems that irritate or cross us in every day life. Read more about Inner Child Empathy.

Friendships As A Way To Grow

Hopefully, we all have some friends whom we can lean on when things get hard, friends who are good listeners, who just let us have our say and don’t judge or criticize us when we are down. In these times, we don’t really want someone to try to fix us or to give us advice or opinions. We just want them to listen and support us. It is just this non-judgmental listening and total, unconditional acceptance that makes the most solid and fulfilling friendships.

It is just such friends who could form the basis of your own Listening/Focusing Community.

Furthermore, if you have stresses or misunderstandings with any of your friends, you can also use the Listening/Focusing skills to work out these conflicts and end up even closer, using the Interpersonal Focusing method. See Focusing Friendships for more on incorporating Creative Edge Focusing into your friendship network.

From Focusing Class To Focusing Support Group

The other main way of finding a Listening/Focusing Partnership or starting a Listening/Focusing Support Group is to participate in a Listening/Focusing Training Class or Workshop in your area. Then, hopefully, you can carry on in a self-help way with other participants you have met at the workshop, or join an existing Changes Group in your geographical area. Again, go to Free Resources to learn about all the available options. Find additional classes and workshops internationally at www.focusing.org .

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshopsDr. Kathy McGuire, Director