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By Kathy McGuire, December 31, 2007 3:57 pm

Narcissism = Lack of Self-Esteem

We all know the story of Narcissus, the youth so taken with his own reflection that he could not tear himself away from it and so starved beside the pool. 
We know a lot of narcissistic people. They talk and talk about themselves, unable to listen to another. Or they are so busy beautifying their own body or house or car that they have little attention for anyone else. Or they dress up their child as an image of what they themselves wish they had become. They exhaust us with their selfishness.

We think of narcissists as being “full of themselves,” but actually they are empty shells, desperately trying to fill a void inside. The psychological term is “narcissistically wounded.” At the time in childhood when they were supposed to be the center of attention, much admired, they did not get “filled up” with reflected images of their wonderfulness. Throughout their lives, they then seek this affirmation from outside, having no positive self-image inside.

Youngsters need lots of praise and encouragement to develop a good image of themselves. Contrary to popular thought, it is too little positive attention in childhood, not too much, which leaves behind the emptiness of the narcissistic wound. 
Forming Your Child’s “Self-Image”
Especially from birth to 3, and actually extending through age 6 or 7, children are incapable of seeing something fromthe point of view of another. Simple experiments show that if you ask such children to draw a picture as it would be seen by someone standing at another viewpoint, they are unable to do so. They are “ego-centered.”
Actually, it’s not accurate to say a child is self-centered at the earliest ages. The infant is not aware of being a self at all. Self and other are all mixed up in one soup. “Mother’s milk is my milk; mother’s anxiety is my anxiety.”

A separate self arises only as children are mirrored back to themselves by the surrounding environment.  Mother does not come when called, and the infant begins to see her as a separate person. The crawler bumps into an immovable object and learns, “Oh, this is not me.” But much of our mirroring comes from the words of our parents: “Oh, you’re such a good walker. I see you’re really trying! …What a good idea! …You’re so nice to share. ..What a helpful boy. ..I’m so glad you’re here. .. You’re such a sweetie. ..I love you how you keep trying.”

 I remember my child toddling into view, filled with pride in some small accomplishment, and I would simply say, much to his delight, “I see you!”

Filling Your Child’s Self-Esteem To The Brim

What you put into a child is exactly what you get back. Reflect to your child. “Oh, you’re so cooperative. ..You’re being so gentle with kitty …What a good plan. .. You’re really thinking!” and you get a cooperative, gentle child, confident in his or her ability to think and plan. Reflect to your child, “You’re so stupid…How could you do that?…You’re ugly. ..Who would want you? …What a dumb thing to do,” and you’ll get a child who feels stupid and ugly,  with no confidence, sure to fail and behave inappropriately.

The child filled to the brim with admiration in the early years has self-esteem over- flowing and therefore is able to give to others. Self-confident, he or she can share the limelight. The child who was not admired spends a lifetime seeking attention, good or bad.

The Reflection Must Be Accurate

Reflective feedback needs to relate specifically to the behavior of your child. Be on the lookout for positive behavior and congratulate it. The reflection needs to be an accurate mirror, evidence that you see your child’s uniqueness. Saying “You look like a model” to an ordinary child or “You’re a great athlete” to one better at math than sports will never fool the child, who will realize, “You don’t see me. You only see what you want to see,” the parent’s own narcissistic reflection.

Trying to make your child a mirror of yourself creates the narcissistic wound. You are trying to fill the child up with your own image, not his or her own. Trying to make your child a great ballerina or a great football player to fulfill your own dream, when the child’s talents and interests lie in a different direction, is an attempt to use your child as a reflection of yourself and leaves your child empty inside.

Healing Your Own Wounded Inner Child

What gets in the way of giving reflective attention to your children? Your own wounded child inside who says jealously, “I never got any attention. Why should she or he? Pay attention to me! Me!”

Almost all of us have a narcissistically wounded child inside. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our parents or grandparents grew up in large families, pools of farm la- borers, extensions of their parents. It’s only as families have gotten smaller that parents
have had time to give attention to each unique child. None of us is filled up. We don’t have to berate ourselves for being needy. But we can take steps to nurture ourselves so that we can turn our mirroring attention toward our children and break the cycle of narcissism.

Here are some steps you can take to “fill up” yourself:

1. Spend time each day doing something that lets you feel competent and good about yourself. Spend time nurturing yourself. Work toward having a minimum of four hours a day separate from your child, time to give attention to yourself and to have your competence reflected by friends or co-workers. Use extended family, start a baby-sitting
   cooperative, use the various relief nurseries, get a part-time job, and use preschool or day care. Even folding laundry or going grocery shopping by yourself can feel like luxurious time alone.
2. Couples arrange time to be together without your children, mirroring yourselves to each other.
3. Read books about the inner child (John Bradshaw’s Homecoming and Margaret Paul’s Healing Your Aloneness are a good start) and do some of the exercises for nurturing your own inner child. Go to an inner child workshop. Learn to play.
4. Join a support group (Adult Children of Alcoholics, Birth To Three, a divorce or single parenting support group,  etc.) where you can share your feelings and ideas with adults who can mirror you.
5. Get yourself reflected by other adults who can really see and appreciate you so that you can turn your parenting attention to reflecting the positive behavior of your child. It’s never too late. I’m over 40 and would be delighted to have my parents say “I see you!”
6. Visit Interest Area: Positive Parenting at Creative Edge Focusing ™ , www.cefocusing.com to join our e-discussion/ support group and find other projects.
7. Purchase The Self-Help Package at www.cefocusing.com so you can create your own Listening/Focusing Partnerships and Support groups.

Read more about Positive Parenting

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency” .

Spend some fun time taking some of the Personality Tests and discovering your “differing gifts,” your Temperaments, your varying Multiple Intelligences, your Shadow Side in the Enneagram.

–Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

Download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (”Ajas” Instantaneos en espanol) for ten exercises bringing Listening and Focusing into your everyday life starting today.

Download our complete Intuitive Focusing Instructions to start practicing Relaxation, Getting a Felt Sense, and Intuitive Focusing today!

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, December 30, 2007 4:52 pm

For background, read previous blogs on Creative Edge Education, especially for ADHD, or visit Interest Area: Education at Creative Edge Focusing (TM)’s website.

Here are ten suggested first steps for bringing a Creative Edge Focusing approach into school systems:

1. If you are not a teacher or school administrator, brainstorm with any you know about Creative Edge Focusing as “human literacy” and how to interact effectively with school systems to propose a Creative Edge Focusing curriculum
2. Collaborate with others at Creative Edge Focusing™ to create a Creative Edge Focusing™ curriculum for each level of education, from pre-school through graduate school.
3. Offer a power point presentation on Creative Edge Focusing™, with PRISMS/S and The Creative Edge Pyramid of skills and methods to a Parent Teacher Organization meeting. Interface the core skills with Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence work.
4. Offer to follow up with a ten-week Focusing Group/Team training with interested staff and parents ( or separate groups for parents and school personnel, if this is more comfortable for those concerned), to learn the core Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening skills  and Interpersonal Focusing and Collaborative Decision Making skills and to problem solve on how to bring Creative Edge Focusing™ into their school or school system. Make a plan and help carry it out.
5. Offer a similar presentation at higher levels in the school system hierarchy, for instance, district-wide teacher inservice days, Education Collaboratives funded to offer training to teachers, education conferences, teacher training programs in Universities, followed up with a Focusing Group ten-week training.
6. Offer Focusing Groups as a burn-out prevention method for teachers and as a first step in their learning Listening/Focusing skills to turn around and teach to students.
7. Offer to start a peer counseling training program at a school or school system, training selected students in Listening, Focusing, Interpersonal Focusing and Collaborative Decision Making who can then serve as peer counselors to other students and to mediate interpersonal conflicts and facilitate group decision making when needed (as in a Student Court, for instance). Peer counseling is an established practice in some schools that can be built on. Google it and network with others using this approach in schools, try to get a grant….
8. Find ten foundations which sponsor innovations in education (such as George Lucas’ foundation and Gardner’s Project Zero. Approach each with a proposal for integrating “human literacy” training through Creative Edge Focusing™ into some chosen schools (e.g., Head Start, Career Academies, Waldorf, or other innovative kinds of schools)
9. Approach Business Schools with an “emotional intelligence/human literacy” Creative Edge Focusing™ curriculum of PRISMS/S and The Creative Edge Pyramid. This would  prepare business students for Focused Listening to clients, Intuitive Focusing for creative problem solving, Interpersonal Focusing for conflict resolution, and Collaborative Edge Decision Making for productive team/group meetings.
10. Find ten foundations which sponsor education-based interventions in impoverished areas, such as the Peace Corps and Vista. Propose that they incorporate “human literacy” through Creative Edge Focusing™ into their programs.

Just ideas! As a psychologist/consultant and parent of two children with special learning needs, I have lots of experience interacting with school systems, but I’m not a teacher or administrator. I would like to see ideas from inside of these systems for integrating “human literacy” into curriculum. Please join our e-discussion/support group for continued collaboration on Creative Edge Focusing and Education. 

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency” .

Spend some fun time taking some of the Personality Tests and discovering your “differing gifts,” your Temperaments, your varying Multiple Intelligences, your Shadow Side in the Enneagram.

–Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

Download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (”Ajas” Instantaneos en espanol) for ten exercises bringing Listening and Focusing into your everyday life starting today.

Download our complete Intuitive Focusing Instructions to start practicing Relaxation, Getting a Felt Sense, and Intuitive Focusing today!

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, December 19, 2007 10:59 am

Core Concepts

1. Educating for human literacy: “Emotional” and “Social” Intelligence

Specific to the Creative Edge Focusing™ model, the core “human literacy” skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening can be integrated into education along with the traditional literacy of reading, writing, and arithmetic.

Basic to the many aspects of “emotional” and “social” intelligence outlined in Daniel Goleman’s books, Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, the core of the PRISMSS Problem Solving Process, are two simple, self-help skills that everyone can learn. They translate into every sphere of home and work life, from personal growth and creativity to interpersonal relationship and conflict resolution to collaborative work in groups and teams to problem solving in our local, national, and global communities.

Through The Creative Edge Pyramid of seven applied methods , every student can learn, in about forty hours of instruction and in preschool through post-graduate education, how to:

• Create new ideas
• Change problem behaviors
• Listen to another

• Resolve interpersonal conflicts
• Start a support group
• Build supportive community

• Create win/win decisions in groups
• Create innovative solutions
• Motivate others for collaborative action

Basic philosophy:  Each child has a unique inner blueprint. Education serves, not to fill the child with “content,” but to facilitate the unfolding of his or her unique interests and talents and to teach communication, team-work, and creative problem-solving skills.
See also Interest Area: Positive Parenting

2. Creative Edge Education is active, hands-on, always striving to engage The Creative Edge of each child

In Creative Edge Organizations, every worker is engaged at the Creative Edge of their own “intuitive felt sensing,” their specific motivating passion of the moment. So, too, in Creative Edge Education, each student should be actively engaged, actively interested, actively motivated to create out of their own Creative Edge, their own “intuitive sensing.”

In Business Schools, at the undergraduate and graduate level, hiring companies want employees skilled in working in collaborative teams. They have pushed professors from passive lecturing to aiding students to work in groups and teams. Students work on real-life, hands-on projects, including computer-generated business simulation “games” as well as actual business projects.

So, too, in our elementary and secondary education, if we want to educate future workers for creativity and innovation, students need to be taught to be active learners, to be engaged at their Creative Edge, and to work in groups and teams on collaborative, real-life projects. Read More about Focusing in Education.

Download Dr. McGuire’s article, “Don’t Fight ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Community-Wide Intervention for ADHD, School Failure, and Juvenile Delinquency”.

Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, December 14, 2007 2:02 pm

Love Relationships

 Perhaps there is no more important place for the use of Empathic Listening and Experiential Focusing skills than in love relationships.

When we “fall in love,” we are drawn to something in the Other that intrigues and fascinates us.  Unfortunately, as time goes by, the stresses of day-to-day living and, perhaps, specific areas of conflict with our partner, wear away that romantic, in-love feeling.  We can even come to “forget” whatever drew us to this other person in the first place, and our sexual feelings for the other can become submerged as well!!

 Exchanging Listening/Focusing Turns with our beloved, significant other can be a way of recovering the feelings of love which initially drew us together.  In Listening/Focusing turns, each person can drop the defensive layers that hide the true, inner Self from the other.  When that inner Self stands exposed, that vulnerable Inner Child becomes visible, we “fall in love” all over again, remembering who it is that really lives inside of your partner. Then, it becomes much more simple to work out the more superficial, behavior-level problems that irritate or cross us in every day life. Read more about Inner Child Empathy.

Friendships As A Way To Grow

Hopefully, we all have some friends whom we can lean on when things get hard, friends who are good listeners, who just let us have our say and don’t judge or criticize us when we are down. In these times, we don’t really want someone to try to fix us or to give us advice or opinions. We just want them to listen and support us. It is just this non-judgmental listening and total, unconditional acceptance that makes the most solid and fulfilling friendships.

It is just such friends who could form the basis of your own Listening/Focusing Community.

Furthermore, if you have stresses or misunderstandings with any of your friends, you can also use the Listening/Focusing skills to work out these conflicts and end up even closer, using the Interpersonal Focusing method. See Focusing Friendships for more on incorporating Creative Edge Focusing into your friendship network.

From Focusing Class To Focusing Support Group

The other main way of finding a Listening/Focusing Partnership or starting a Listening/Focusing Support Group is to participate in a Listening/Focusing Training Class or Workshop in your area. Then, hopefully, you can carry on in a self-help way with other participants you have met at the workshop, or join an existing Changes Group in your geographical area. Again, go to Free Resources to learn about all the available options. Find additional classes and workshops internationally at www.focusing.org .

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshopsDr. Kathy McGuire, Director

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By Kathy McGuire, December 13, 2007 3:05 pm

The Way of Relationship

Intimate relationships can be seen as a spiritual path, The Way of Relationship. Relationships can be a self-therapy. Relationships will point up your “blind spots” or “shadow sides” more effectively (or shall I say more quickly, anyway!) than psychotherapy.

The Way of Relationship can be practiced between lovers. The experiences of empathy which arise during the exchange of Listening/Focusing turns lead to increased emotional and physical intimacy.

The Way of Relationship can also be practiced between friends or in a spiritual or other community. The experiences of empathy, of individual uniqueness as well as common humanity common in Listening/Focusing Exchanges, can be a spiritual experience of the love called Agape, or Buber’s “I-Thou” vs. “I-It” relationship.

Harville Hendrix’ book, Getting The Love You Want, was an early one stating that it’s okay for your relationship to be “therapy.” We are attracted to people who have the capacity to heal us in some way, to move us on our journey toward wholeness.  Hendrix calls it The Imago, a kind of template of the kind of person needed for your healing. Ideally, you will find a person enough like your parent to offer the experiences needed healing but also capable of going through this healing journey with you . At www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com , you will find more books and training programs connecting you to a network of people, through Imago Relationships International, who are committed to conscious relationship.

Gay and Kathleen Hendricks’ book, Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment, namesthe bedrock of good relationship as complete, absolute, and utter honesty at all times. This book and their many other books and workshops  through the Hendricks Institute, www.hendricks.com , give many concrete techniques and practices for conscious relationship.

Although there are many wonderful, established programs for Conscious Relationship such as the two above, Intuitive Focusing, as aided by Focused Listening, is the missing link in almost every program, the one thing that is usually not taught but makes all the difference in terms of whether people actually succeed in the programs or not.

Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, used in Focusing Partnerships and Interpersonal Focusing, are the bedrock self-help skills which provide a way through. They help you to stick with it when buttons get pushed. They tell you how to mine the treasure in “confrontations.”  These are really confrontations with your own shadow side– the parts of yourself you can’t see – the positive aspects you devalue as well as negative aspects you do not want to accept.

The goal for everyone is “wholeness,” the integration of positive and negative shadow aspects, and we choose friends and partners who will push us toward wholeness.

Read more about Conscious Relationship, including the First Ten Steps to bring Listening/Focusing into your relationships.

Order our Self-Help Package and join our Creative Edge Practice E-Group for hands-on demonstrations and practice of Listening and Focusing self-help skills.

Subscribe to our Instant “Ahah”s E-Newsletter and immediately download our Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol), ten self-help practices to add to your life at home and work.

Explore using Interpersonal Focusing sessions by phone with Dr. McGuire to practice listening/focusing in sorting through relationship difficulties.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, December 6, 2007 3:01 pm

This is my favorite question ever!  What is “right” in terms of a Listening Response, a Reflection? I’d love it if everyone would jump in with their answer to this question, regardless of teaching experience or just experience! 
 
For me, the only “right” that really matters is when the client/Focuser says, “Yes. That is exactly right. That fits” with sighs, tension release, other signs that this is the body’s response: “Yes. That is right. It captures the ‘feel of it all’ completely.” 
 
The point or goal of Focusing Turns, or Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT) IS to empower the Focuser to gain confidence and skill in allowing answers and next steps to come from within their own experiencing of their own unique situation. 

IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO EMPOWER THE CLIENT TO TRUST THEIR OWN JUDGMENT THAN TO CONVINCE THEM OF SOMETHING THAT MAY BE THEORETICALLY “CORRECT.”
 
Carl Rogers was so emphatic about this empowering that he would do NOTHING but reflect, not wanting to give the client any temptation to rely upon him as “expert” rather than their own inner experiencing and problem solving.
 
So, if a reflection/interpretation/evocative technique does not “fit” in the moment, does not touch the Focuser’s present felt experiencing in a way that allows carrying-forward, new next steps from inside, to unfold, draws the Focuser out into discussion, disagreement, or argument with the Listener — then, it is not “right” in this moment — although it may become “right” at a later point when the Focuser has moved forward to a new felt Edge that can take it in in a resonating way—
 
Most everything else, I guess, is helpful or unhelpful!  Helpful can be getting it “wrong” in a way that helps the Focuser say more what “it” is like: “No, it’s not that. It’s more like this—” (This can happen even when the Listener says back exactly the Focuser’s words, seemingly perfectly “right”!).
 
Helpful is always going back, after any intervention, especially one that seemed “wrong” in terms of getting the Focuser off the track of felt-sensing, into confusion or arguing or theorizing with the Listener instead of continuing to pay attention to finding words or images for, the present “felt sense.”
 
My articles Caring Confrontation and Focusing Inner Child Work With Abused Clients (free PDF downloads from www.cefocusing.com )trace my attempts to grapple with this issue, of how hard to press, how often to come back to, a “felt experiencing” I have in relation to the client which I think is “Correct” in some way but they say is not “Right.”
 
This is such a great question, I would invite everyone to jump in with their own answer, their own way of saying what is “right” in terms of a Listening Response.

Learn more about Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening and Experiential Focusing Therapy at Creative Edge Focusing’s website, filled with free downloads on creativity, spirituality, collaborative thinking, parenting, innovation in business, and many other aspects of application of Focusing and Listening skills at home, at work, in your community, and globally.

See actual demonstrations of Listening/Focusing in our Self-Help package, a manual in English or Spanish, four CDs of Focusing Instructions, and a DVD with four demonstrations of actual listening/focusing sessions — everything you need to start your own Listening/Focusing Partnership or Support Group or to incorporate these basic self-help skills into existing support groups.

In the side bar at Creative Edge Focusing, subscribe to our free e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice Relaxation and Focusing exercises and join our free yahoo group, Creative Edge Practice, for ongoing demonstrations, practice, and support.

Find classes/workshops/phone coaching in our Listings section or Coaching/Classes/Consulting with Dr. McGuire

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, December 2, 2007 2:54 pm

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after.  Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!!  You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points.  And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life, including sexuality between partners and children turning to their parents when needing help.

Find this exercise as #8, p. 27, in the Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol) free download at Creative Edge Focusing website. There, in the sidebar, you can subscribe to our e-newsletter, for weekly advice and e-reminders to try out the exercises.

Need more help getting agreement with your significant other to move into more intimate sharing? You can try Interpersonal Focusing phone sessions with Dr. McGuire or find a Focusing-Oriented Therapist  in your area through listings at The Focusing Institute

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, November 29, 2007 1:11 pm

1. Focusing – Individualmente,  con un Entrenador de Borde Creativo o con un Terapeuta de Focusing Experiencial.

Cualquiera que sabe que Focusing Intuitivo es lo básico del Proceso de Solución de Problemas PRISMAS/S, puede usarlo en cualquier momento para dar un nuevo paso seguro, desde la tensión o confusión hasta  la  solución del problema.  Este será un nuevo “¡Ajá!”. Físicamente experimentado en su totalidad por el cuerpo, el cual asiente y relaja la tensión diciendo: “¡Sí, eso es exactamente! “, “¡Ahora puedo actuar!”

En mi ejemplo de abajo, primero uso Focusing Intuitivo por mi cuenta, luego,  generalmente, contrato la ayuda de un Escuchador Focalizado, en este caso, mi esposo.  Tengo la suerte de tener un esposo entrenado pero con él, me gusta compartir un turno igual de escucha.

Ejemplo del Caso:

Por varias semanas he estado dándole vueltas a un problema relacionado con el trabajo; he estado tensa, bloqueada, con noches sin dormir, obsesiva.  Estoy preocupada por que si tomo alguna acción me pueden demandar, pero no quiero echarme para atrás. 

He estado dando algunos pasos y  gastando dinero tratando de protegerme legalmente.  Pero la tensión, el insomnio y la obsesión continúan.  Me encuentro a mí misma imaginándome cómo  voy a defenderme en la Corte. Avanzo con esfuerzo, pero el costo es muy alto.  Todo el proyecto se ha vuelto agotador.

Finalmente, después de semanas me doy cuenta que debo  sentarme en silencio y usar Focusing Intuitivo acerca del asunto. Entonces, cierro mis ojos y sigo mi respiración por un momento a manera de relajación para llegar a un “espacio claro” y silencioso adentro— Suspiro…, dejo salir un poco la tensión…me pregunto: “Realmente ¿de qué se trata todo esto?…” Espero silenciosamente que algo nuevo aparezca…, un sentir intuitivo… o un Borde Creativo…para mí…, este Borde Creativo generalmente viene no a mi cabeza sino al centro de mi cuerpo…, alrededor de mi corazón…, a la cavidad del pecho…

Cuando viene un “sentir intuitivo”  busco silenciosamente unas palabras o una imagen que comiencen a asirlo.  “No quiero dar mi brazo a torcer…”, “No quiero ser derrotada…” (Hay un sentimiento con lágrimas aquí) “Tengo el derecho de hacerlo…” Respiro un poco más, revisando estas palabras frente a este “sentir intuitivo”…suspiro…dejo salir un poco de tensión.

En respuesta a estas palabras, viene un nuevo “sentir intuitivo” al centro de mi cuerpo, cerca del área del pecho…le presto atención, buscando palabras o una imagen que pudiera capturarlo…No puedo seguir así.  Es demasiada tensión…Me siento en silencio manteniendo estas palabras frente al Borde Creativo, el “sentir intuitivo…”

Al usar el Paso de Preguntar de Focusing Intuitivo,  se me viene la pregunta: “¿Qué puedo hacer para hacer que esto tenga menos tensión…?”…Permanezco con esta pregunta, prestándole atención al centro de mi cuerpo… y en lugar de contestar desde mi cabeza…, desde lo ya conocido…, espero que se forme un “sentir intuitivo” de una respuesta…Cuidadosamente busco palabras o imágenes que capturen el sentir intuitivo…suspiro, relajando la tensión.

En respuesta, consigo unas palabras, las cuales se sienten como un nuevo”Ajá” “¡Oh!, se trata de esta pequeña parte del proyecto…No tengo que renunciar a todo lo demás…, tal vez solamente  a esa pequeña parte para reducir la tensión…

Reviso estas palabras frente al “sentir intuitivo”…  Sí, ¡hay una relajación allí!

 Estoy sacudiendo mi cabeza: “¡Sí!, ¡eso es!”… “¡eso relajaría la tensión!”, “¡el miedo!…”

Me siento emocionada aquí.  Es difícil concentrarse.  Quiero levantarme y caminar ansiosamente… ¡no puedo hacer Focusing por mucho tiempo!  Le pregunto a mi esposo que está entrenado en Escucha Focalizada si él estaría disponible; sí, él será mi Escuchador Focalizado mientras yo continúo este proceso de Focusing Intuitivo.  Nos tomará de 10 a 20 minutos.  ¡A él le gusta hacerlo!…

Cierro los ojos y permanezco en este nuevo lugar, “Es solamente acerca de este pequeño lugar…” suspiro relajando la tensión…

Mi esposo refleja: “Así que es realmente sólo esta pequeña parte que tienes que cambiar.  No tienes que dejar todo…sólo esa parte…”

Estoy asintiendo otra vez, todo mi cuerpo dice:   “¡Sí!, puedo hacer eso realmente…,” “sí…, me libraré de ese miedo, esa tensión agotadora!…” Continúo revisando esa posible solución frente al “sentir intuitivo” y todo mi cuerpo sigue diciendo, “Sí, todo eso está bien conmigo.  Puedo hacerlo sin sentirme derrotada”.

  Mi esposo refleja: “Así que estás revisando y todo tu cuerpo te  dice: “Sí eso podría estar bien”…. “Puedo hacer eso sin sentirme derrotada”.  Sigo asintiendo, “Sí, eso podría estar bien…” suspiro…, relajando la tensión…

Seguimos por un rato, yo ahora en la modalidad de resolver problemas, intentando posibles opciones nuevas y diferentes; continúo  revisando con el “sentir intuitivo”, El Borde Creativo: “¿Está esto realmente bien?”… “¿Seré capaz de dormir en la noche si hago esto?…” Mi esposo continúa usando Escucha Focalizada para reflejar lo que yo digo,…dejándome revisar y aclarar…

Finalmente decido mantener esa pequeña parte ahora, siempre y cuando me prepare a mí misma para dejarla si es que tengo la necesidad de hacerlo....Esto parece ser una buena solución (Estoy moviendo la cabeza asintiendo y suspirando, relajando la tensión, es la manera que tiene mi cuerpo de decir:  “¡Sí!, ¡esto realmente encajó…!” “… ¡Tú puedes hacer esto realmente…!” Seguidamente,  terminamos el turno de Escucha/Focusing de manera formal.

En los próximos días, tengo menos tensión.  En las noches siguientes puedo dormir, surgen nuevas ideas, alternativas para reemplazar esa pequeña parte, etc. Tengo nueva energía para seguir adelante con todo el proyecto.  La posibilidad de “pequeños cambios” me da también la oportunidad de permitir que entren otras personas en mi proyecto sin que me asalte toda esa ansiedad y miedo que me han mantenido aislada, incapaz de compartir mis ideas con otras personas.

Si su meta es solamente utilizar Focusing para Ud. mismo, puede tomar una clase o un taller de entrenamiento en Focusing de un profesional de Focusing que Ud. puede encontrar en nuestra sección de Recursos Gratis.

Si desea ayuda de Escucha Focalizada de manera consistente y  sin tener que devolver el servicio como Escuchador (que es lo que sucede en las Parejas de Focusing como mencionamos mas abajo), entonces Ud. puede contratar un Entrenador de Focusing de Borde Creativo o un Terapeuta de Focusing Experiencial (Ver listados en la sección de Recursos Gratis).

Si Ud. ya tiene  una relación de Entrenamiento, puede concertar una cita para Escucha Focalizada por teléfono; a menudo, podría ya comenzar  a Focalizar simplemente  escribiendo un correo a su Entrenador expresándole acerca de su asunto o preocupación, poniendo atención a su interior, usando respuestas de Focusing Intuitivo. El Entrenador puede enviarle un correo de vuelta con respuestas de Escucha Focalizada.  ¡De esta manera Ud. recibe ayuda instantánea a mitad de precio!

Este material es ofrecido solamente como destrezas de autoayuda.  Al proveerlos, la Dra. McGuire no se compromete en rendir servicios psicológicos, financieros, legales u otros servicios profesionales.  Si se necesita la asistencia de un experto o de un consejero, se debe buscar los servicios de un profesional competente.

TESTIMONIO

“Siempre que  hago Focusing, estoy sorprendida de ver cuán rápido surge el asunto, y cómo, con la ayuda de un Escuchador, hay una transformación que va desde la confusión  hacia la comprensión y finalmente la solución.”

( Profesional asociado con una organización sin fines de lucro).

Translation by Agnes Rodriguez, Certified Focusing Professional and Creative Edge Associate offering Listening and Focusing training by phone in English and Spanish. See Agnes Rodriguez.

See also The Focusing Institute for articles in Spanish by Eugene Gendlin, creator of Focusing, and Spanish-speaking Focusing Teachers world-wide.

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, November 27, 2007 7:25 pm

In the example below, taken from the Case Studies area at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), the Focuser goes from unspecified, work-related anxiety and sleeplessness to being able to name the problem and begin problem solving, using Intuitive Focusing:

 1. Focusing — Alone Or With A Creative Edge Coach or Experiential Focusing Therapist

Anyone who knows Intuitive Focusing, as the core of the PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process,  can use it any time to go from confusion and tension to an absolute sureness of a next step of problem resolution.  This will be a physically experienced “Ahah!”, indicated by the whole body nodding and releasing tension, saying “Yes, this is exactly it! I can act now.”

In my example below, first I use Intuitive Focusing on my own, then, at a certain point, I contract for Focused Listening help from another, my husband in this case. I’m lucky enough to have a trained husband (I trained him!), but, with him, eventually I will want to give equal time:

Case Example:

For several weeks I have been stewing about a work-related problem, stymied, tense, sleepless nights, obsessing. I am concerned that I might be sued if I take a certain action, yet I don’t want to back down. I have even taken steps and spent money to try to protect myself legally. Yet the tension, sleeplessness, obsessing continue. I find myself imagining how I would defend myself in court. I forge ahead, but the emotional cost is very high. The whole project has become draining.

Finally, after weeks, I have the sense to sit down quietly and actively use Intuitive Focusing on the issue. I close my eyes and follow my breathing for a while as a way of relaxing and coming to a quiet, “clear space” inside……I sigh, let go of some tension…..I ask myself, “What is this all about, really?”….I wait quietly for something new, an “intuitive feel” or Creative Edge to come…for me, this Creative Edge usually comes in the center of my body (not my head!), around my heart, chest cavity…..

When an “intuitive feel” comes, I quietly look for some words or an image which begin to grasp it:  “I don’t want to give up….I don’t want to be beaten (there is a teary feeling here)….I have a right to do this”…..I breath some more, checking these words against the “intuitive feel”……I sigh, release some tension……

A new “intuitive feel” comes in the center of my body, around the chest area, in response to these words….I pay attention to it, looking for words or an image that might capture it…….”I can’t go on like this. It is too stressful….”….I sit quietly, holding these words against The Creative Edge, the “intuitive feel”…..

I use the Asking Step of Intuitive Focusing and a question comes: “What can I do to make this less stressful?”….I sit with this question, paying attention in the center of my body…instead of answering from my head, the already-known, I wait for an “intuitive feel” of an answer to form …….I carefully look for words or images to capture the intuitive feel……..I sigh, releasing tension…

I get words in answer which feel like a new “Ahah!”: “Oh, it’s really just about this one small part of the project…….I don’t have to give up everything else, but maybe just that one small part, to reduce the tension”….I check these words against the “intuitive feel”….there is an easing there. I am nodding my head: “Yes, that is really it…That would release the tension, the fear…..”

I get sort of excited here. It’s hard to concentrate. I want to get up and walk anxiously around….I’m not good at doing Focusing alone for very long. I ask my husband, who is trained in Focused Listening and available, if he will be a Focused Listener while I continue this Intuitive Focusing process. It will take 10-20 minutes. He is willing to do this……

I close my eyes and sense into this new place, “It’s really only about this small part”…..I sigh, releasing tension….My husband reflects: “So it’s really only that small part  you have to change. You don’t have to give up the whole thing….Just that part.”……

I’m nodding again, my whole body saying, “Yes, I can really do that if it will get rid of this fear, this draining tension”…..I continue checking this possible solution against the “intuitive feel,” and my whole body keeps saying, “Yes, that much is okay with me. I can do that without feeling beaten.” My husband reflects, “So you are checking, and your whole body says, ‘Yes, that would be okay. I could do that…without feeling beaten’”…….I keep nodding, “Yes, that would be okay.”…I sigh, releasing tension….

We go on for a while, me in problem solving mode now, trying out possible different new choices, continuing to check with the “intuitive feel,” The Creative Edge: “Is this really okay?…Will I be able to sleep at night if I do this?” My husband continues using Focused Listening to reflect what I say, letting me check and clarify….

I finally decide a way that I can keep even that small part now, as long as I prepare myself to give it up later if I have to ……..This seems a good solution (I’m nodding and sighing, releasing tension, my body’s way of saying, “Yes, this really fits. You can really do this.”). We end the formal Listening/Focusing turn.

Throughout the next few days, I have less tension. I can sleep at night. New ideas keep popping up: possible replacements for that “one small part,” etc. I have new energy to move ahead with the whole project. This “small change” possibility also gives me a way to let other people in on my project, without raising the whole anxiety and fear issue, which had been keeping me isolated, unable to share my ideas with other people.

If your goal is only to use Focusing by yourself, you can take a Focusing Training class or workshop from a Focusing Professional found in our Free Resources section.

If you want consistent Focused Listening help, without reciprocating as a Listener in a Focusing Partnership as below, then you can  hire a Creative Edge Focusing Coach  or an Experiential Focusing Therapist (See Listings in Free Resources Section) as a consistent Focused Listener.

If you have a Coaching relationship, you can arrange for Focused Listening by phone, but you can often start Focusing simply by starting to write an email to your Coach on the issue or concern, paying attention inside, using Intuitive Focusing…then, the Coach can send an email back, with Focused Listening responses. This will give you instant help at half the cost!

 Email Dr. McGuire to explore Focusing Coaching or Focusing Partnership phone sessions or to set up a free 20-minute Trial Session. You can explore options and prices in The Store

See our website for many descriptions and exercises for learning Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, to subscribe to our free e-course/e-newsletter, and to join our online Creative Edge Practice yahoo group for free, supervised practice of actual listening/focusing skills.

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, November 26, 2007 7:13 pm

MEDICAL CHANGE EVENT: FROM MIGRAINE TO TEARS OF MEANING
 
While Instant “Ahah!” # 4, Five-Minute Grieving,  specifically addresses what to do if a patient, friend, or co-worker begins to cry, the excerpt below shows how using Intuitive Focusing to “sit with” the “intuitive feel” of a physical symptom can allow that symptom to open into an “Ahah!” of deeper meanings, with a sheen of tears in the eye often the body’s signpost of a place to stop and go deeper into “the feel of the whole thing.”
 
The excerpt is a tiny portion of a Focusing Partnership session. The Focuser is experienced in using Intuitive Focusing. Early on, as the Focuser talks about waking with the beginnings of a migraine headache and related issues, the Listener notices a faint “shimmer of tears.”

She suggests that the Focuser stop and “sense into” the place of tears. By the end of the session, the Focuser has moved through deep sobbing about the heavy burden of depression she has carried “for soooo long” and experiences the liveliness of a “felt shift,” “being lighter, wanting to dance!” She states that the migraine has abated.
 
The session begins with Focuser and Listener in chairs facing each other. The Focuser, because of her comfort with the Experiential Focusing process from past practice, chose to keep her eyes closed throughout the session, attending to her inner experiencing. The Listener, Dr. McGuire, begins:
 
Listener: “So, just feel comfortable closing your eyes and going inside, coming in tune with whatever is there—Let me know if you need some help or when you’re ready to begin speaking—
 
Focuser: (10 second pause)—“—This morning when I awakened, I  had a headache on the left side of my head, and I thought, ‘Oh, it’s  migraine coming on’— so I’m just sensing into what that was  about, um, like, my body was really full of toxins, like I just wanted to kind of shake the toxins out.”
 
Listener: “So, even on waking, you noticed there was the beginning of a headache on the left side of your head, and you spent some time with it, just sensing into it, and the feeling was of toxins in your body, and you just wanted to shake them out, shake them out.”
 
Focuser: (30 second pause) ——- “And I notice that my throat is stopped up this morning, and that’s something I’ve been working on, we’ve been working on together—something deep emotional there in my throat, getting kind of choked up.”  
 
[The Focuser is doing the first step of Experiential Focusing, “clearing a space,” noticing and naming the various issues she is carrying so she can choose one to work on]
 
Listener: “Yea, so you’re aware of that now, too, your throat getting choked up, and that’s something we’ve worked on before, and it’s connected to deep emotional things—and it seemed like I even saw a shimmer of tears as you described that—maybe just be with that, sit with that ‘choked up.'”
 
[The Listener notices the beginnings of tears and gives an Experiential Focusing Instruction, suggesting that the Focuser stop talking and pay attention to the “felt sense.”] 
 
Focuser: (tears visible under closed eyelids, face reddening, voice thickening) “What bothers me about it is I keep trying to clear my throat, and it doesn’t clear. I keep trying to clear it, and it prevents me from speaking the way I want to speak, and it’s annoying to people, I think.”
 
Listener: “Uhhuh.”
 
Focuser: “It somehow prevents me from projecting my voice—” 
 
Listener: “Umhm.”
 
Focuser: “I keep trying to get it out, and it just stays there, it’s uh—”
 
Listener: “Umhm—so what bothers you is you keep trying to clear it out, and it won’t go, and you also think it makes it difficult for other people. You want to project your voice and get it out, and that’s hard for the other people, too, you can’t really speak.”
 
Focuser: “That really prevents communication.”
 
You can read the entire excerpt, with commentary, and see the “felt shift” for yourself in Medical Change Events Through Experiential Focusing. You can view the entire 12-minute session in the DVD Listening/Focusing Demonstrations, also part of The Self-Help Package. Download “Being Touched and Being Moved: The Spiritual Value of Tears for many examples of how tears and Focusing interrelate.
Download “Finding The Meaning In Tears” for exercises for using Focusing to find the meaning in your tears. Both articles are packed with real-life examples of how tears “touch us” and “move us” in positive ways.

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com