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By Kathy McGuire, November 10, 2007 6:03 pm

Focusing On the Creative Edge

Intuitive Focusing is one-half of the two Core Skills you are learning at Creative Edge Focusing (TM), www.cefocusing.com . Focusing can be used any time to find out what is bothering you. Focusing specializes in sitting with the vague, wordless intuitive sense that there is something….something you can’t quite put your finger on or put into words, but something definitely determining your behavior or how you feel or the inkling of an idea or solution……

Focusing can be used not just for personal problem-solving but for sitting with The Creative Edge of anything: a piece of creative art or writing, an exciting professional problem to solve, a good feeling that has a spiritual edge…

The Crux of Change

In the 1960’s research showed that the single most important variable in predicting success in psychotherapy was, not what the therapist was doing, but the client’s own ability to speak from present, felt experiencing rather than intellectualization. Eugene Gendlin decided we’d better learn how to teach that skill to people. He called it Focusing and broke it down into six steps for teaching it in a self-help way. His book, Focusing (Bantam, 1981), has been translated into over 15 languages and is used throughout the world. Focusing-Oriented Therapy incorporates Focusing into the psychotherapy process.

Description of Gendlin’s Six Step Focusing Process

First, I will describe Gendlin’s  process, then I will walk you through some actual instructions below. Here are Gendlin’s six steps for use of this inner, meditation-like problem-solving process in a self-help way:

1. Clearing a Space: setting aside the jumble of thoughts, opinions, and analysis we all carry in our minds, and making a clear, quiet space inside where something new can come.
2. Getting a Felt Sense: asking an open-ended question like “What is the feel of this whole thing (issue, situation, problem)?” and, instead of answering with one’s already-known analysis, waiting silently as long as a minute for the subtle, intuitive, “bodily feel” of “the whole thing” to form.
3. Finding a Handle: carefully looking for some words or an image that begin to capture the “feel of the whole thing,” the Felt Sense, The Creative Edge: “It’s ‘jumpy;’” “It’s scared;” “It’s like the dew of a Spring morning;” “It’s like macaroni and cheese – comforting,” “It’s like jet propulsion! Something new that needs to spring forth!”
4. Resonating and Checking: taking the Handle words or image and holding them against the Felt Sense, asking “Is this right? Is it ‘jumpy’?”, etc. Finding new words or images if needed until there is a sense of “fit” – “Yes, that’s it. Jumpy.”
5. Asking: asking open-ended questions (questions that don’t have a “Yes” or “No” or otherwise fixed  or “closed” answer) like “And what is so hard about that?” or “And why does that have me stuck?” or “What was so beautiful about that moment?” or “And how does this apply to everything else?” and, again, instead of answering with already-known analysis, waiting silently for the whole-body-sense, the Felt Sense, to arise.

At each Asking, the Focuser also goes back to steps (2), (3) and (4) as necessary, waiting for the Felt Sense to form,  finding Handle words, Resonating and Checking until there is a sense of “fit”: “Yes, that’s it.” This often physically-felt experience of tension release and easing in the body, this sense of having found the right words, is called a Felt Shift by Gendlin.

Dr. McGuire, calls it a Paradigm Shift. It can be a small step of “Yes, that’s it” or a larger unfolding, a huge insight, with many pieces of the puzzle suddenly falling into place, with a flow of new words and images and possible action steps. Sometimes there is also a flood of tears of acknowledgment and relief or the release of other pent-up emotions.

     6.  Receiving: at each new step, each Felt Shift,  taking a moment to sit with the new “intuitive feel,” simply acknowledging and appreciating your own inner knowing for this new insight. Then, you can start again at step (5), Asking another open-ended question, (“And what is so important about this?”; “And why did that have me stuck?”; “And where does my mother come into all of this?”, etc.). And, again, step (2), waiting for the Felt Sense to form, step (3) finding a Handle, step (4) Resonating and Checking until there is a Felt Shift, a sense of “That’s it.”

You can always use “Clearing a Space” from the FREE Instant “Ahah!”s Mini-Manual as a first step of Focusing, especially if you have a difficult time relaxing, being able to feel your body from the inside. Clearing a Space is particularly handy if you walk around with your body like cement a lot of the time!! However, a formal Clearing a Space takes a good twenty minutes, just in itself.

However, there are less time-consuming ways to get ready to start Focusing, “clearing a space” through relaxation or imagery work. We’ll give one of those a try below. The CD in our Self-Help Package, Complete Focusing Instructions (or the free download, Complete Focusing Instructions), includes many exercises for relaxation and imagery work as a first step of Intuitive Focusing.

A First Attempt: Find Out What Is Bothering You

Set aside at least 30 minutes for this first attempt. Remember, Focusing is a skill usually taught in 10 two-hour classes or two weekend workshops —so, if it doesn’t work for you immediately, don’t give up! Find a nearby teacher from the Focusing Institute Listings or arrange for phone sessions with Dr. McGuire or another Creative Edge Consultant.

But, some people are natural Focusers and just say, “Oh, yes. I’ve been doing this all my life. Now, I can just do it better, more predictably, whenever I want. Give it a try:

(You can read the instructions below to yourself now or into a tape recorder for playback — or purchase the Self-Help Package with Focusing Instruction CD. Leave at least one minute of silence between each instruction)

Step One: Clearing A Space (Relaxation exercise in this case)

Okay…first, just get yourself comfortable…feel the weight of your body on the chair…loosen any clothing that is too tight….
(one minute…)

Spend a moment just noticing your breathing….don’t try to change it….just notice the breath going in….and out…..
(one minute…)

Now, notice where you have tension in your body (pause)…..
(one minute…)

Now, imagine the tension as a stream of water, draining out of your body through your fingertips and feet (Pause)….
(one minute…)

Let yourself travel inside of your body to a place of peace…..
(one minute…)

Step Two: Getting A Felt Sense

Now, bring to mind an incident or a situation that was troublesome for you this week (pause as long as necessary)…Think about it or get a mental image of it……
(one minute…)

Now, try to set aside all of your thoughts about the situation, and just try to bring back the feeling you had in that situation (pause)….not words, but the “intuitive feel” of yourself in that situation……
(one minute)

Step Three: Finding A Handle

Now, carefully try to find words or an image for that feeling……

Step Four: Resonating and Checking

Go carefully back and forth between any words and the “intuitive feel of the whole thing” until you find words or an image that are just right for it……..
(one minute…)

Step Five: Asking

Now, gently ask yourself, “What is so hard about this situation for me?”, and wait, at least a minute, to see what comes in your wordless intuition, your whole-body sense….

Again, carefully find words or an image that exactly fit that whole feeling…..going back and forth until the symbols are “just right.”
(one minute…)

Now, imagine what the situation would be like if it were perfectly all right……
(one minute…)

Now, ask yourself, “What’s in the way of that?” and, again, don’t answer from your head, what you already know, but wait, as long as a minute, for something new to come in the center of your body, more like a wordless intuition or whole-body sense………
(one minute…)

Again, carefully find words or an image for that, “whatever is in the way”…..go back and forth until the symbols are “just right.”
(one minute…)

Now, see if you can find some small step you might be able to take to move yourself in a positive direction….again, don’t answer from your head, the already known, but wait as much as a minute for the wordless, intuitive “feel,” the bodily felt sense of an answer to arise……..
(one minute…)

Take a moment, again, to carefully find words or an image for this possible next step…..go back and forth until the symbols are “just right.”
(one minute…)

Check with your “intuitive feel,” “Is this right? Is this really something I could try doing?”…If your “intuitive feel” says, “Yes (some sense of release, relaxation), I could try that,” then you can stop here. If your “felt sense”  says “No, I can’t do that” or “That won’t work,” then ask yourself again, “What small step in the positive direction would work?”, again, waiting quietly, as much as a minute for an intuitive answer to arise, then making words or an image for it…….going back and forth until the symbols are “just right.”
(one minute…)

Step Six: Receiving

Keep at this as long as you are comfortable, but, if no clear next step arises, just remind yourself that, at least you have gotten a clearer sense of the problem, and, because you have spent Focusing time with “the whole thing,” maybe later something new will pop up….
(one minute or more…)

Appreciate yourself and your body for taking time with this, trusting that taking time is the important thing — solutions can then arise later.
(one minute…)

Remember, Intuitive Focusing is often taught as a twenty-hour course, so don’t be discouraged if you didn’t experience a dramatic Paradigm Shift this first time. Work through the Mini-Manual and Complete Focusing Instructions downloads, with support and help from our e-newsletter and e-discussion list, order the Self-Help Package with manual, CD, and DVD, or purchase Focusing Coaching by phone.

Subscribe to e-newsletter for weekly reminders to practice relaxation, getting a “felt sense,” and Focusing and download the Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manaul (Ajas Instantaneos en espanol) of 10 everyday ways to add Listening and Focusing to your home and work:   

http://visitor.constantcontact.com/optin.jsp?&m=1101671080238&ea=

Join our e-support groups for hands-on practice of Listening and Focusing and receive The Complete Focusing Instructions manual in a return email from Yahoo Groups: http://www.cefocusing.com/focusingcontact.php

Work with Dr. McGuire through Coaching or Consulting: http://www.cefocusing.com/store/categories.php

Find a Focusing Class or Focusing Coach/Trainer world-wide in many languages: http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/index.php#listings_pros

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

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By Kathy McGuire, November 9, 2007 11:41 am

ESCUCHA PASIVA:   SOLAMENTE MANTENERSE EN SILENCIO, ¡NO INTERRUMPIR!     Esto va a ser extremadamente básico…y tal vez ¡extremadamente difícil!!!  Todo lo que Ud. va a hacer es intercambiar turnos de escucha pasiva con otras personas en lugar de discutir.  Estos turnos de escucha tienen que ser iguales y controlados por reloj.

     Puede resultar también, una intervención extremadamente poderosa y exitosa que Ud. puede hacer en sus relaciones con las personas, así que, inténtelo por favor.

     Mediante los Ajás Instantáneos del Mini Manual Gratis, nuestro paquete de Autoayuda o Consultas o Entrenamiento Telefónico, Ud. aprenderá otras destrezas poderosas de Escucha Focalizada que van más allá  de la escucha pasiva. Pero, por ahora, Ud. solamente va a practicar la escucha pasiva – estar en silencio, escuchando, sin interrumpir.  Intente imaginar ¡cómo sería este  mundo si tan sólo todos supieran esta simple destreza  de autoayuda!!!

Acuerdo sobre una Señal Durante un Momento de Paz

     Puede ser de gran ayuda el tener un acuerdo previo con la otra persona  para permitir intentar este proceso.  Invite a sus personas significativas a leer con Ud. estas instrucciones  cuando no haya una batalla de por medio – en un momento de paz, sin conflictos y vea si logran ponerse de  acuerdo para intentarlo.

     Seguidamente Ud. necesita estar de acuerdo con una señal que usarán cuando las papas quemen, cuando es el momento de intentar este procedimiento – alguna palabra, acción o simple gesto que uno puede  usar para detener la discusión y comenzar el nuevo proceso acordado.

     Así que Uds. dos necesitan estar de acuerdo en una palabra, gesto o  acción que será capaz de interrumpir la discusión y traer la atención de Uds – como “¡Turnos!”, ó “¡Sillas!”,  “¡Papas Fritas!” o cualquier otra cosa ridícula o algo que pueda interrumpir la intensa energía y recordar a ambos el acuerdo de intentar un TURNO DE ESCUCHA PASIVA

Marque el Tiempo y Tome Asiento

     Aquí tenemos todo lo que Ud. necesita hacer-  Consígase  un cronómetro o un reloj para tenerlo a la mano y póngalo para marcar cinco minutos.

     Tomen asiento en sillas o en el suelo, de frente, el uno al otro, pero a una distancia segura, cómoda. Comiencen entonces turnos ininterrumpidos, primero una persona habla sin interrupción hasta que se venza el tiempo; programe el cronómetro otra vez y cambien de lugar para que la otra persona hable sin interrupciones.

           USE EL CRONOMETRO PARA MANTENER LOS TIEMPOS EXACTAMENTE IGUALES.  NO SE PERMITE CONTACTO FISICO

Grite a una Pared en Blanco

     Si inicialmente hay mucha ira, puede ayudar el que cada persona vire hacia una pared en blanco y le grite, en lugar de hacerlo a la otra persona….Es mucho más fácil escuchar el sentido de la ira de una persona cuando esta no está siendo dirigida exactamente a Ud. paralizándolo.

     Mientras cada persona continúa tomando turnos, la bravata inicial seguirá su curso, y una parte más vulnerable, más creativa, más flexible aparecerá. Comenzarán a aparecer posibilidades y soluciones nuevas y creativas y hasta sentimientos cálidos hacia la otra persona.

Siga así

      Sigan intercambiando turnos iguales, controlados por reloj hasta que lleguen a algún lugar.  ¡Y lo harán!!!  Al escuchar simplemente lo que la otra persona tiene que decir, en lugar de discutir, Ud. comenzará a comprender nuevas razones para el comportamiento o la posición de la otra persona…y esto sucederá en ambas direcciones.

      Y el hablar simplemente, sin ser discutido o “corregido” le permite estar por encima de su reacción inicial y ver los significados más profundos de su respuesta al otro.

      Una clave: debajo de toda furia, casi siempre hay una herida muy vulnerable, hasta lágrimas -cuando éstas salen, es muy fácil amar a la  otra persona.  Debajo de una víctima indefensa-con lágrimas, a menudo hay furia.  Eso también, puede hacer que el comportamiento de la otra persona sea más comprensible

Precaución: ¿Necesita Ayuda Profesional?

     Precaución: Si ninguno de Uds. dos está de acuerdo en dejar de discutir y tomar TURNOS DE ESCUCHA PASIVA iguales como describimos anteriormente, entonces puede haber un problema más serio que necesita ser dirigido a un profesional ya sea entrenador o consejero.  Las personas no pueden permanecer iguales todo el tiempo, por lo tanto, puede  haber situaciones en las que se debe utilizar ayuda profesional. La Dra. McGuire le puede indicar como proceder.

Pero, nuevamente, imagínese  cómo sería el mundo si todos supieran esta simple destreza de “educación humana” y lo usara tan  automáticamente como el leer y escribir para neutralizar molestas situaciones donde la ira está presente.

Estos materiales son ofrecidos solamente como destrezas de autoayuda.  Al proveerlas, la Dra. McGuire no está comprometida en rendir servicios psicológicos, financieros, legales u otros.  Si se necesita la asistencia o consejo de un experto, deben buscarse los servicios de un profesional competente.

Translation kindly provided by Agnes Rodriguez, Certified Focusing Professional, who offers listening/focusing training for a reasonable cost in English and Spanish. Use the Contact form at http://www.cefocusing.com/contact.php to find Agnes’ email address. (Any mistakes in transcribing translation above are mine! Kathy)

Find more Spanish translations at http://www.cefocusing.com/freedownloads/index.php

Download the entire Ajas Instantaneous Mini-Manual at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/Mini_Manual_Ajas_Instantaneos.pdf

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

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By Kathy McGuire, November 8, 2007 4:27 pm

Please download the exercise from the sidebar at Creative Edge Focusing right now so you can read through. Consider whether, if everyone learned this simple structure for stopping arguments from birth, could we change the world? Here is how it begins:

“Passive Listening: Just Being Quiet, Not Interrupting!

     This is going to be extremely basic. And, maybe, extremely difficult!! All you are going to do is exchange equal, timed, passive listening turns with the other person, instead of arguing. Passive listening means you don’t say a thing, just let the other person speak without interruption.

     You are just going to practice Passive Listening – being quiet, listening, not interrupting. Try to imagine what the whole world could be like if everyone knew just this one, simple self-help skill!”

Stop for a moment to read the rest of the exercise from the download at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1c.php

Please add your comments below. Do you think this would work? Have you tried it with your partner, child, friend, co-worker? Do you think “passive listening turns” could save the world?

See also Active Listening: Short-circuit Confrontations at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1b.php

Focused Listening Instructions at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php

Positive Parenting: Listening To Yourself, Listening To Your Partner, Listening To Your Child at http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1d3.php

Further training through the Self-Help Package at http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b1.php

or Classes/Workshops Internationally at http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b2.php

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

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By Kathy McGuire, October 31, 2007 12:38 pm

Community: Core Creative Edge Focusing ™ Concepts

• Sharing from The Creative Edge creates feelings of empathy, a deep understanding of the validity of the other person’s unique point of view
• Sharing from The Creative Edge also creates feelings of connection, a deep understanding that, underneath our uniqueness, we share a common humanity
• The Focusing Partnership method creates a sense of community and shared humanity similar to the Greek concept of the love called Agape, the Christian love of The Christ Within each person, and the compassion of the Buddha for the Universal Oneness underlying everything
• This Agape is the glue which binds us into a human community, providing the motivation for overcoming conflict at all levels in society
• This creation of Agape, creation of love, can happen when the Focusing Partnership method is used for the purpose of building Focusing Groups/Teams  or Focusing Communities, or it can arise in Creative Edge Organizations as Focusing Groups/Teams do problem-solving toward a common goal
• Call it “buy-in,” “commitment,” “loyalty,” “full engagement,” but an essential by-product of shared creativity and collaboration is a sense of being deeply connected to other people and working toward a common goal
• The creation of Community has benefits for conflict resolution within interpersonal relationships but also within organizations and at the national and  international level      (See Creating At The Edge/Culture of Creativity at  http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a11.php for full underlying concepts of Creative Edge Focusing™ )

Building Supportive Community

The Building Supportive Community Project brings the Creative Edge Focusing ™  Model, with its two Core Skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, and seven Applied Methods of The Creative Edge Pyramid, into existing support groups and communities, as well as starting new Focusing Communities.

Some applications are 12-Step Groups, Support Groups, Community Mental Health , Religious and Spiritual Communities,  Hospitals , Prisons , Schools , Conflict Resolution, Participatory Democracy ,  and Collaborative Work Groups and Collectives. See (PDF file) Focusing and Twelve Step by Steve Crawford , http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2F2p_Experiential_Focusing_Twelve_Step_Recovery_Work_Steve_Crawford.pdf and  Recovery Focusing by Suzanne Noel at  http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/3a1bNoelRECOVERY_FOCUSING_final_2.pdf for an integration of Gendlin’s Focusing theory and the 12-Steps.

Community means a felt-experience of interconnection and mutual support as well as the capacity to work together toward a common cause. In a community everyone can belong, respected for their uniqueness or their role but working toward the common good.  For community to work, people need ways to respect and to capitalize on differences and to resolve interpersonal conflicts.

Community can be built starting with people who initially come together for mutual emotional support, as in a support group. That experience of sharing can build outward into an actual community which can organize toward a common goal, for instance, advocacy.

Or, community can be built starting with people who initially come together to accomplish a shared goal, as in a grass-roots campaign or a non-profit or for-profit organization. The good feelings created through collaboration can end up having also created feelings of mutual care and supportive community.  

Dr. McGuire’s  manual, Focusing In Community: How To Start A Listening/Focusing Support Group (in Spanish, Focusing en Comunidad: Como Empezar un Grupo de Apoyo de Escocha Y Focusing)teaches the basic skills needed.  Audio and video tapes and phone sessions and workshops enhance this learning.  The Creative Edge e-discussion/support group connects you with other people throughout the world who belong to Focusing Communities (join from the sidebar at www.cefocusing.com .

The above is excerpted from Creative Edge Focusing’s website. Continue reading about Building Supportive Community in both Support Groups and Task-Oriented Groups at http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1b.php

You can also read the following articles:

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing TM

www.cefocusing.com

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By Kathy McGuire, October 29, 2007 4:30 pm

Finding The Meaning Of Tears

“Being Touched” and “Being Moved” : The Spiritual Value of Tears

Download the above articles to learn more about the use of Intuitive Focusing to unravel the meanings signalled by tears.

“Opening Up”, Not “Breaking Down”

Most of the time, we walk around “being” our symptoms instead of “relating” to them. The physician’s office is a place where accidental openings into the “felt senses” underlying symptoms have an increased likelihood of happening. It thus becomes important for physicians, and other health professionals, to capitalize on these moments where the defenses fall, and the preverbal felt experiencing underlying symptoms, becomes available for transformation.

Inter-office conflict or stress at home can also cause a co-worker or employee to “break down” and start crying. Or a friend may become teary while sharing. Instead of being afraid of a “break down,” see it as an “opening up,” an opportunity to unblock and build anew. See Culture of Creativity to understand the Creative Edge Core Principles underlying growth and creativity.

People Are Skilled At “Not Crying”

Five minute grieving is based upon the following premises, drawn from my 25-year experience as a psychotherapist and peer counseling teacher:

• In general, people do not fall apart and cry and cry without stopping. In general, people do not cry for more than a few minutes at a time.
• If tears are present, it is healthier for body and mind to allow their expression than to repress them. Tears also are the doorways into The Creative Edge, the possibility for change.
• In general, people have a life-time of experience in being able to call up their defenses again, and go on as needed after a few moments of crying.
• In the few cases where crying is uncontrollable, it is better to discover this vulnerability and get help, by referring to a counselor for psychotherapy and/or a psychiatrist for exploration of the appropriateness of anti-depressant medication.
• In general, spending a few minutes making words for the “intuitive sense” underlying the tears will bring relief to the person, energy to the Listener, and a deep feeling of bonding and care between the two.
• Allowing the tears also actually releases energy, letting the person go on to next steps of problem solving and action to be taken.

Here follows a first step into the Creative Edge Focusing ™ Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening which I call “Five Minute Grieving,” especially for health professionals, but also for co-workers and friends in a pinch, if someone tears up or starts crying.  

FIVE MINUTE GRIEVING

Example from a physician’s office:

You have just told a patient that tests have shown her to be infertile. Tears well up in her eyes.

1. Invite her to cry. Say something like the following:
   • “In a minute we can discuss options, but let’s make room for your tears.”
   • “It’s okay with me to let your tears come.”
   • “It’s okay to cry.”
   • “You don’t have to hold back your tears.”
   • “It’s important to let yourself cry.”
   • “Just be gentle with yourself. Put your arms around yourself.”
2. Empathize with the feeling without trying to “fix” it or take it away:
   • “I know it seems bleak right now.”
   • “I know it’s hard.”
   • “I see your sadness.”
   • “I’m sorry for your sadness.”
3. Help her to find words or images for the tears. After she has cried for a while or at a natural pause in her tears, say something like:
   • “What are the words for your sadness?”
   • “Are there any words or images with your tears? It helps to get a handle on the feeling.”
   • “Can you say what’s the worst of it?”
   • “Can you say what you’re thinking?”
4. Just be quiet and give the person some time to grope for words.
   • Empathize again, often by paraphrasing:
   • “So it’s (her words: “the fear that you’ll never be a mother;” “feeling like a dried up stick,” etc.) that’s hard.”
5. Continue Steps 1-4 as long as makes sense.
   • Establish closure:
   • “We have to stop now.”
   • “We only have a minute before we have to stop.”
   • “I have to go, but you’re welcome to sit here for a minute until you’re ready to go.”
   • Or, if you are now going to continue with other aspects of the visit, “Let’s see if we can put aside the tears for now so that I can give you some more information and we can look for solutions to your situation.”
   • Orient the person, if necessary, by doing a “present time” exercise:
   • “I want to make sure you’re back out in the world before I send you off to drive home (or before we continue talking) . How about if you name all the circular (or orange, or striped, etc.) things in the room?”
   • At the end of the appointment, make a referral to a counselor or support group as appropriate and/or make arrangements for the person to check back with you for a future appointment.

Of course, Five Minute Grieving  is just a first step toward fully incorporating Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening into your personal and professional life. I hope it will whet your appetite to pursue further training in PRISMS/S and the Creative Edge Pyramid for application of Listening and Focusing at all levels and at home as well as work  at www.cefocusing.com .

You can begin with Free and Purchased resources by clicking on the Icons in the right sidebar on the main page. Helping professionals can order Dr. McGuire’s manual, The Experiential Dimension in Therapy and, in a Free Phone Consult with Dr. McGuire, can explore our Experiential Focusing Professional Training Program.

Comments (1)

By Kathy McGuire, October 28, 2007 2:42 pm

Translation by Agnes Rodriguez, Certified Focusing Professional and Creative Edge Focusing Associate. Agnes offers inexpensive phone sessions of Active (empathic listening) so you can try it out and learn how to do it. Go to http://www.cefocusing.com/contact.php  and look at bottom for email address to contact Agnes.

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

http://www.cefocusing.com/

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By Kathy McGuire, October 25, 2007 2:47 pm

Reflect, Don’t React

Someone comes at you, seemingly out of the blue, absolutely furious. You are stunned and want to fight back. Instead, you can diffuse the other person’s anger by simply responding in an Active Listening way:

• “Wow, something is really upsetting you…”
•  “You’re saying you are absolutely furious that I forgot to show up for lunch”
•  “You are really upset because you are not getting the service you expected”
•  “You are really mad that you’ve had to go through four other departments just to reach me”
•  “It really bothers you when you have to go through all those mechanical phone responses just to get to a human being” 

Yes, this is the behavior which I wish customer service representatives had all been taught so that, when I call them, furious, they would just respond,” I’m sorry that you are so upset. Tell me more about what is bothering you so we can fix it,” instead of adopting that rigid, “I’m just following the rules,” “We never make mistakes,” “There’s really not anything I can do for you”  attitude that just makes me more and more angry!

Bottom Line: deflect and diffuse anger by simply responding with empathy: “Boy, I can see how this is hard for you,” “I’m really hearing how frustrating this has been for you.”

Reflect the Words…and the Feeling Tone…

As opposed to Passive Listening, where you simply give your silent attention to the other, at the most saying “Ummmhmmm” or “Ah, hah!” or “Wow!”, in Active Listening, you set aside all your typical responses (advice, argument, opinions, problem-solving, judgments) and simply try to say back what the other person is saying, with an emphasis on the feeling tone, if you pick up any:

Example One: Customer

Customer: “I’ve just had to wade through 16 phone messages to get to you, and I was cut off and had to start all over. It’s taken me ten minutes already.”
Customer Service: “ Wow! I’m so sorry! You’ve already been through ten minutes of frustration, and I’m the first person you’ve gotten to talk to.”
Customer: “Why can’t there just be a simple way to talk to a human being?!! I hate these phone messages!!”
Customer Service: “It is so frustrating to you to have to go through this waiting and confusion everywhere you go.”
Customer: “Damn right! Okay, let’s get on with it. This is the problem. I changed my mailing address for my bills, and they are still going to the wrong address, and then I end up getting late fees.”
Customer Service: “Okay, let me take a look at your account right now and see what we can do.”

Example Two: Spouse

Wife: “How could you have forgotten that we had a dinner engagement at 6PM with the Smiths???!!!!!!!!
Husband: “Wow! You are really angry. I must have slipped up somewhere. You’re saying I forgot a dinner engagement with the Smiths?”
Wife: “Yes, you idiot! It was at 6PM, and I’ve been trying to reach you on your cell phone. How humiliating!!!!! Where were you?!!!!!”
Husband: “So you’ve been trying to reach me ever since 6PM, and it’s been embarrassing for you, having to make excuses to the Smiths. And you’re wondering where I was.”
Wife: “How could you not answer your cell phone!!!! That is what they are for, emergencies like this one!!!!!
Husband: “So, to you, this really was an emergency, and no way to get through to me. You’re wondering why I didn’t answer my cell phone and where was I anyway!!!!!!”
Wife: “Yes, that is exactly right! So, where were you?”
Husband: “Okay, I am so sorry. Let’s try to figure out how this happened. I got held up at an emergency meeting with my boss, and I couldn’t answer my cell phone. He would have gotten even madder at me….I guess I was so upset by this confrontation with him that I just absolutely forgot about the Smiths…..I should have had the dinner in my Palm Pilot, but I guess I didn’t hear that either…I was just driving and thinking about what to do with the work situation. What can I do to make this better now? Do you want me to call the Smiths and make another plan?”
Wife: “Oh, that’s okay. It’s over now. Why don’t you tell me what happened at work while I find you something to eat….”

Example Three: Child

Child: “I hate school, and I’m never going again. Teachers are all idiots!!!!”
Parent: “Wow, something is really upsetting you today. Sounds like a teacher did something stupid that bothered you…”
Child: “No, it didn’t bother me!!!! I’m not going to get bothered by fools like that. I don’t care what they think!!!!! I’m just not going anymore!!!!!!”
Parent: “So, it didn’t bother you. You’re not going to be bothered by fools like that. You don’t even care what they think. And, right now, you’re saying you are never going again.”
Child: (tears of hurt coming) “She said I’ll never be a writer…that I don’t even know punctuation (crying).”
Parent: “So your teacher said, ‘You’ll never be a writer…you can’t even do punctuation,” and that is really hurting you. Writing is very important to you.’
Child: (more tears) “There is more to writing than punctuation….what I’m saying is way more important….I’m pouring my heart out.”
Parent: “So, for you, writing is not about punctuation but about what you are saying, that you can really pour your heart out. That’s what’s important.”
Child: “Yes (fewer tears)…that’s what matters to me. Next time, will you help me with the punctuation so that she can’t make fun of me?”

Believe it or not, this diffusion of anger, usually to hurt, will happen. And what have you got to lose by trying? There really isn’t any other miracle way in these situations!

Perhaps the idea of just “reflecting” the other person seems silly to you, like a parrot. However, when you are on the receiving end, just hearing your own words back without judgment or “fixing,” you will be amazed at what a rare blessing and relief it is just to be heard.

Learn The Focused Listening Skill

The Focused Listening Core Skill of PRISMS/S at Creative Edge Focusing (TM) is more than just reflecting.  You will learn many nuances:

• how to “ask for more” about words with “neon lights” around them,
• how to use Focusing Invitations to help the speaker sit quietly and “sense into” the “feel of it all,” facilitating a Paradigm Shift, and
• how, sometimes, you can offer your own Personal Sharings (advice, information, own similar experiences), as long as you go back to Active Listening, reflecting the impact of your words on the other person.

However, always, simple Active Listening, saying back, reflecting the words of the other, remains the core – the one, simple, most powerful thing you can do to increase communication with another person, while, at the same time, helping them to find their own solutions to their problems.

Learn more about Focused Listening at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php

Apply Active Listening as “Five-Minute Grieving,” when patient, friend or colleague starts crying: http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1d.php

Try “Passive Listening Turns,” a simple turn-taking protocol to turn arguments with significant others into creative problem solving: http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1c.php

See examples of  Interpersonal Focusing for conflict resolution: http://www.cefocusing.com/casestudies/6a3.php

Purchase the Self-Help package of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) to learn how to apply all of these skills in friendship, love relationships, support groups, and work teams: http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b1.php

Find Certified Focusing Professionals offering Classes or Workshops in core Listening/Focusing skills World-Wide, in many languages at http://www.focusing.org/trainers_search.asp

Find Coaching, Classes and Workshops with Dr. McGuire and Creative Edge Associates at http://www.cefocusing.com/store/categories.php

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, October 24, 2007 6:42 pm

PDF : PROCESO DE SOLUCION DE PROBLEMAS  PRISMAS/S at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/PROCESO%20DE_SOLUCION_DE_PROBLEMAS_PRISMA.pdf

Reflecting Before Acting or Reacting

The radical contribution of Gendlin’s Focusing (Bantam, 1981) and McGuire’s Creative Edge Focusing ™ is that the problem solver makes the explicit choice to pause and take some moments for silent reflecting before acting or reacting.

Instead of simply repeating past reactions, the Focuser can create new, completely innovative solutions and behaviors from the “intuitive feel” of the whole situation.

A quiet pause is needed in order to sense into the “intuitive feel,” The Creative Edge, of problems. Whether in private or in group decision making settings, these opportunities for pauses to contact and articulate the Creative Edge are what allow the creation of totally new ideas and solutions. No pauses, no creation of the new!!!!!

Using the PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process is like passing light through a prism. A few moments of pondering, and The Creative Edge opens into a whole spectrum of new possibilities and action steps.

Pausing To Ponder: From Problems To Possibilities

The PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process includes seven ingredients of predictable “Ahah!” experiences using Creative Edge Focusing ™. With its Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening , PRISMS/S is based upon Eugene Gendlin’s “A Theory of Personality Change” (  http://www.focusing.org/gendlin/docs/gol_2145.html ) and his Focusing self-help book (Bantam, 1981, 1984), as well as Dr. McGuire’s thirty years of  experience integrating Listening/Focusing skills into task-oriented groups and supportive communities.

PRISMS/S can be used on one’s own or with the help of Focused Listening in a Creative Edge Focusing Partnership, Focusing Group or Team, or Focusing Community. In any case, problem solving goes through the following steps:

Pausing :  Clearing A Space for Problem Identification
Reflecting: Listening To Oneself or Focused Listening from Another 
Intuitive Focusing:  Back-and-Forth Between Symbols and Intuition
Shifting:  The Kaleidoscope Turns And A New Paradigm Arises
Movement:  Innovative Solutions and Action Steps Arise Spontaneously
Satisfaction:  Tension Releases in the Sureness of “Ahah! That’s It!”
Support: Listening/Focusing Partnerships Build Empathy and Community

Pausing:  Clearing A Space For Problem Identification  

As the first step of PRISMS/S, the Focuser sits down and takes a quiet moment to pay attention to the “intuitive feel,” the Creative Edge of consciousness.

Right-brain Problem Solving Is Non-Linear

Right-brain problem solving is non-linear. Wherever you start, you may find totally new directions, ideas, possibilities arising. This is exactly what you want!!!! But it means a relaxation around having to know exactly what the problem is and how it is going to come out before you begin!…….read more about PRISMS/S at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a3.php

Dr. Kathy McGuire

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, October 23, 2007 1:04 pm

“Core Concepts of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) approach to parenting: 

• In order to raise children for today’s world, parents must “mentor” their children for independent and flexible problem solving and decision making.  Children need guides, mentors : Yoda of Star Wars, not authoritarian police man.

• Children have natural access to the “intuitive sensing” central to Intuitive Focusing . This inner guide leads to independent decision making, having a “conscience,” and having a satisfying life which fulfills one’s unique “blueprint,” specific talents and aspirations.

• Positive Parenting helps children maintain and develop this “inner guide.” Using Focused Listening,  parents learn to help children find their own solutions to problems.

• Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse are the enemy of developing this inner sensing, this conscience and guide for independent decision making.  They exactly teach children to dissociate from their bodies, from their “felt experiencing” or “intuitive feel.”

• Educating parents for child rearing is not enough; parents must heal their own “Inner Children” before they can radically alter their behavior toward their children. The PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process, with Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening,  is needed for change at the level of Paradigms, cognitive/emotional/behavioral “schemata” that determine behavior, emotions, and thinking. The kaleidoscope has to turn….

• Parents can learn to use Focused Listening and Intuitive Focusing in their own relationship. The Creative Edge Pyramid includes applications of PRISMS/S at many levels. Parents can help each other with Inner Child healing through Focusing Partnership turns. They can also use Interpersonal Focusing to resolve conflicts between themselves in terms of parenting styles

• Parenting support groups are absolutely essential. Parents sharing with other parents can help them weather crises in their marriages or single parenthood. The essence of support groups is (a) you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing these things (b) you are all experts. Using the resources among you, you can solve problems, move mountains. Focusing Groups and Focusing Communities provide self-help, peer counseling models for support groups.

Four Applications of Listening/Focusing to Parenting

The Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening  can be applied to parenting in four different ways, two primarily for your children, and two primarily for yourselves as parents. I call this Inner/Outer Parenting…….”

Read more, with links to self-help skills mentioned above, and download articles on

“Parents As Mirrors: Preventing Narcissism,”

“Setting Limits While Allowing Choices” 

“Positive Parenting: Listening to Your Self, Listening to Your Partner, Listening to Your Child”

at Creative Edge Focusing, Interest Area: Positive Parenting, http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1d.php

Three other interesting sites about Positive Parenting:

Jane Nelson (author of Positive Discipline, my favorite book on parenting)’s site, www.positivediscipline.com

The Parent To Parent Training Program at CHADD (national organization for Children and Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder, www.chadd.org

Resources and training from the Positive Parenting program, www.positiveparenting.com

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

Comments (5)

By Kathy McGuire, October 14, 2007 3:18 pm

I first came upon the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator when my adopted son entered public school as a first grader. Immediately, he was diagnosed as Attention Deficit Disorder With Hyperactivity (ADHD).

 Here I had been living with this vastly entertaining, golden boy for seven years (from birth) and, suddenly, because he could not sit still at a desk and listen to a teacher talk, there was something really wrong with him, something needing medication.

Although I am a clinical psychologist, I am not a big fan of medication as the first choice for everything (absolutely, there are times when it is life-saving, can save lives with depression or bopolar and help greatly with ADHD). And, being a client-centered (based upon the work of Carl Rogers) therapist, I believe that every person has a unique path, unique talents, a unique acorn that will grow into a unique tree.

So I started looking for a way to describe all of my child’s positive strengths to his teachers, e.g., no, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he could do puzzles way better than most children. No, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he could put objects together and fix machinery. No, he didn’t sit still, but, yes, he was an amazing athlete, always friendly and happy, etc.

The best tool I found was Keirsey & Bates, Please Understand Me (Prometheus Nemesis Book Co.,1984), still my favorite inexpensive, user-friendly introduction to personality differences. There is a modified version of the MBTI in the front with scoring sheet and explanations of the sixteen personality types generated.

I identified my son as an EST(F)P, an “artisan,” an “active, hands-on learner.” (see the tables included at the end of  my short article, “Jung, MBTI, and Experiential Theory”, http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2f1n_Jung_MBTI_Exp_Theory.pdf, for Thumbnail descriptions of each of 16 MBTI “types”). I then could use the classroom-oriented work of Thomas Armstrong (ADD/ADHD Alternatives in the Classroom, ASCD, 1999) and Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences theory and many other tools to fight for active, hands-on learning options for my child at school.

As a single mom, I also started to apply the MBTI to my understanding of relationships. At one point, thinking I had honed in on the problem, I posted newspaper “personal ads” saying I was looking for an “NF” (iNtuitive Feeler) partner. I found one, and it didn’t work out! Maybe we were too similar!

Instead, I found an ISTJ partner, a wonderful compliment to my INFJ  type. Right from the beginning, I shared MBTI understandings with him.  We knew we shared an Introverted (I)love of quiet alone time and a Judging (J) love of organization and structure. His Sensing (S), reality-oriented common sense balances my iNtuitive (N) “sixth sense” global  imagination. His Thinking (T) ability to be objective and analytical actually complements and balances my Feeling (F) ability to be subjective, relational, and empathic.

However, without the MBTI understanding of our difference, we might have floundered, him finding me “overly emotional, ” me finding him “overly intellectualized,” him finding me “unrealistic,” me finding him “boring and mundane.” 

As a “mature” couple (he on his third marriage, I my second), perhaps we had also realized that compromise, appreciation, and mutual respect for difference were key to continuing relationship. We discussed how our former spouses, both P’s, had brought spontaneity and fun, but also lateness and disorganization that we couldn’t tolerate.

What does the MBTI understanding do for you? When your child or partner does something that makes you think, “This person must be from a different planet,” or “This person is crazy,” or “This person is evil,” looking at MBTI differences can help you see that, yes, this person is radically different from you, but he is like a whole lot of other people, a whole “type” of people with unique talents and unique “gifts” to bring to the table.

A few examples:

I am rushing to get my son to the bus for a winter retreat with his church group, up on a mountain. Arriving early (which, as a J, I like to do), I look down and see that, on his feet, he has no socks and flipflops, his only shoes for the trip. I am screaming at him as I rush home for “appropriate shoes,” “How could you……?!!!!!” Then, I realize, for someone who is “spontaneous, lives-in-the-moment, is the life of the party,” thinking ahead to a snow-covered mountain was just not in his repertoire.

One of my husband’s former wives gave him this reason when, after 15 years, announcing “out of the blue” that she was leaving him: “Remember that time we were moving, and I wanted to stop to say goodbye to friends (F) and you said we couldn’t, we had to stay on schedule so we could return the van on time(TJ) ? That’s why.”

When I am caught up in too much feeling (F), my husband can steady the ship with an “objective analysis” of what is happening (T).

Enough for today. Main point: people really are different and, rather than hate them for it, embrace these many “gifts” by using tools like the MBTI.