{"id":24,"date":"2007-10-25T14:47:22","date_gmt":"2007-10-25T18:47:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/?p=24"},"modified":"2007-10-25T14:47:22","modified_gmt":"2007-10-25T18:47:22","slug":"active-listening-short-circuit-angry-confrontations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/active-listening-short-circuit-angry-confrontations\/","title":{"rendered":"ACTIVE LISTENING: Short-Circuit Angry Confrontations"},"content":{"rendered":"<h2 class=\"orange\"><strong>Reflect, Don\u2019t React<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Someone comes at you, seemingly out of the blue, absolutely furious. You are stunned and want to fight back. Instead, you can diffuse the other person\u2019s anger by simply responding in an Active Listening way:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">\u201cWow, something is really upsetting you\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re saying you are absolutely furious that I forgot to show up for lunch\u201d<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">\u00a0\u201cYou are really upset because you are not getting the service you expected\u201d<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">\u00a0\u201cYou are really mad that you\u2019ve had to go through four other departments just to reach me\u201d<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">\u00a0\u201cIt really bothers you when you have to go through all those mechanical phone responses just to get to a human being\u201d\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Yes, this is the behavior which I wish customer service representatives had all been taught so that, when I call them, furious, they would just respond,\u201d I\u2019m sorry that you are so upset. Tell me more about what is bothering you so we can fix it,\u201d instead of adopting that rigid, \u201cI\u2019m just following the rules,\u201d \u201cWe never make mistakes,\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s really not anything I can do for you\u201d \u00a0attitude that just makes me more and more angry!<\/p>\n<p>Bottom Line: deflect and diffuse anger by simply responding with empathy: \u201cBoy, I can see how this is hard for you,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m really hearing how frustrating this has been for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"orange\"><strong>Reflect the Words\u2026and the Feeling Tone\u2026<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>As opposed to Passive Listening, where you simply give your silent attention to the other, at the most saying \u201cUmmmhmmm\u201d or \u201cAh, hah!\u201d or \u201cWow!\u201d, in Active Listening, you set aside all your typical responses (advice, argument, opinions, problem-solving, judgments) and simply try to say back what the other person is saying, with an emphasis on the feeling tone, if you pick up any:<\/p>\n<p class=\"orange\"><strong>Example One: Customer<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Customer: \u201cI\u2019ve just had to wade through 16 phone messages to get to you, and I was cut off and had to start all over. It\u2019s taken me ten minutes already.\u201d<br \/>\nCustomer Service: \u201c Wow! I\u2019m so sorry! You\u2019ve already been through ten minutes of frustration, and I\u2019m the first person you\u2019ve gotten to talk to.\u201d<br \/>\nCustomer: \u201cWhy can\u2019t there just be a simple way to talk to a human being?!! I hate these phone messages!!\u201d<br \/>\nCustomer Service: \u201cIt is so frustrating to you to have to go through this waiting and confusion everywhere you go.\u201d<br \/>\nCustomer: \u201cDamn right! Okay, let\u2019s get on with it. This is the problem. I changed my mailing address for my bills, and they are still going to the wrong address, and then I end up getting late fees.\u201d<br \/>\nCustomer Service: \u201cOkay, let me take a look at your account right now and see what we can do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"orange\"><strong>Example Two: Spouse<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Wife: \u201cHow could you have forgotten that we had a dinner engagement at 6PM with the Smiths???!!!!!!!!<br \/>\nHusband: \u201cWow! You are really angry. I must have slipped up somewhere. You\u2019re saying I forgot a dinner engagement with the Smiths?\u201d<br \/>\nWife: \u201cYes, you idiot! It was at 6PM, and I\u2019ve been trying to reach you on your cell phone. How humiliating!!!!! Where were you?!!!!!\u201d<br \/>\nHusband: \u201cSo you\u2019ve been trying to reach me ever since 6PM, and it\u2019s been embarrassing for you, having to make excuses to the Smiths. And you\u2019re wondering where I was.\u201d<br \/>\nWife: \u201cHow could you not answer your cell phone!!!! That is what they are for, emergencies like this one!!!!!<br \/>\nHusband: \u201cSo, to you, this really was an emergency, and no way to get through to me. You\u2019re wondering why I didn\u2019t answer my cell phone and where was I anyway!!!!!!\u201d<br \/>\nWife: \u201cYes, that is exactly right! So, where were you?\u201d<br \/>\nHusband: \u201cOkay, I am so sorry. Let\u2019s try to figure out how this happened. I got held up at an emergency meeting with my boss, and I couldn\u2019t answer my cell phone. He would have gotten even madder at me\u2026.I guess I was so upset by this confrontation with him that I just absolutely forgot about the Smiths\u2026..I should have had the dinner in my Palm Pilot, but I guess I didn\u2019t hear that either\u2026I was just driving and thinking about what to do with the work situation. What can I do to make this better now? Do you want me to call the Smiths and make another plan?\u201d<br \/>\nWife: \u201cOh, that\u2019s okay. It\u2019s over now. Why don\u2019t you tell me what happened at work while I find you something to eat\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"orange\"><strong>Example Three: Child<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Child: \u201cI hate school, and I\u2019m never going again. Teachers are all idiots!!!!\u201d<br \/>\nParent: \u201cWow, something is really upsetting you today. Sounds like a teacher did something stupid that bothered you\u2026\u201d<br \/>\nChild: \u201cNo, it didn\u2019t bother me!!!! I\u2019m not going to get bothered by fools like that. I don\u2019t care what they think!!!!! I\u2019m just not going anymore!!!!!!\u201d<br \/>\nParent: \u201cSo, it didn\u2019t bother you. You\u2019re not going to be bothered by fools like that. You don\u2019t even care what they think. And, right now, you\u2019re saying you are never going again.\u201d<br \/>\nChild: (tears of hurt coming) \u201cShe said I\u2019ll never be a writer\u2026that I don\u2019t even know punctuation (crying).\u201d<br \/>\nParent: \u201cSo your teacher said, \u2018You\u2019ll never be a writer\u2026you can\u2019t even do punctuation,\u201d and that is really hurting you. Writing is very important to you.\u2019<br \/>\nChild: (more tears) \u201cThere is more to writing than punctuation\u2026.what I\u2019m saying is way more important\u2026.I\u2019m pouring my heart out.\u201d<br \/>\nParent: \u201cSo, for you, writing is not about punctuation but about what you are saying, that you can really pour your heart out. That\u2019s what\u2019s important.\u201d<br \/>\nChild: \u201cYes (fewer tears)\u2026that\u2019s what matters to me. Next time, will you help me with the punctuation so that she can\u2019t make fun of me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Believe it or not, this diffusion of anger, usually to hurt, will happen. And what have you got to lose by trying? There really isn\u2019t any other miracle way in these situations!<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps the idea of just \u201creflecting\u201d the other person seems silly to you, like a parrot. However, when you are on the receiving end, just hearing your own words back without judgment or \u201cfixing,\u201d you will be amazed at what a rare blessing and relief it is just to be heard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Learn The Focused Listening Skill<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The Focused Listening Core Skill of PRISMS\/S at Creative Edge Focusing (TM)\u00a0is more than just reflecting.\u00a0 You will learn many nuances:<\/p>\n<ul type=\"disc\">\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">how to \u201cask for more\u201d about words with \u201cneon lights\u201d around them,<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">how to use Focusing Invitations to help the speaker sit quietly and \u201csense into\u201d the \u201cfeel of it all,\u201d facilitating a Paradigm Shift, and<\/li>\n<li class=\"orangebullet\">how, sometimes, you can offer your own Personal Sharings (advice, information, own similar experiences), as long as you go back to Active Listening, reflecting the impact of your words on the other person.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>However, always, simple Active Listening, saying back, reflecting the words of the other, remains the core \u2013 the one, simple, most powerful thing you can do to increase communication with another person, while, at the same time, helping them to find their own solutions to their problems.<\/p>\n<p>Learn more about Focused Listening at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/coreconcepts\/1a2.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/coreconcepts\/1a2.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Apply Active Listening as &#8220;Five-Minute\u00a0Grieving,&#8221;\u00a0when patient, friend or colleague starts crying:\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/freeresources\/2a1d.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/freeresources\/2a1d.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Try &#8220;Passive Listening Turns,&#8221; a simple turn-taking protocol to turn arguments with significant others into creative problem solving: <a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/freeresources\/2a1c.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/freeresources\/2a1c.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>See examples of \u00a0Interpersonal Focusing for conflict resolution: <a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/casestudies\/6a3.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/casestudies\/6a3.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Purchase the Self-Help package of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) to learn how to apply all of these skills in friendship, love relationships, support groups, and work teams: <a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/services\/5b1.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/services\/5b1.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Find Certified Focusing Professionals offering Classes or Workshops in core Listening\/Focusing skills\u00a0World-Wide, in many languages at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.focusing.org\/trainers_search.asp\">http:\/\/www.focusing.org\/trainers_search.asp<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Find Coaching, Classes and Workshops with Dr. McGuire and Creative Edge Associates at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/store\/categories.php\">http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/store\/categories.php<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Dr. Kathy McGuire<\/p>\n<p>Creative Edge Focusing (TM)<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/\">www.cefocusing.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Reflect, Don\u2019t React Someone comes at you, seemingly out of the blue, absolutely furious. You are stunned and want to fight back. Instead, you can diffuse the other person\u2019s anger by simply responding in an Active Listening way: \u201cWow, something is really upsetting you\u2026\u201d \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re saying you are absolutely furious that I forgot to show [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,14,13,11],"tags":[741,748,747,745],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cefocusing.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}