Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, March 5, 2008 1:57 pm

 Verbally-Abusive Patterns of Speech: Dominance The Goal
 
In her remarkable book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans walks us “blow-by-blow” through transcripts illustrating how an individual can use verbal abuse to establish dominance over another person.
 
She states that the verbally abusive person sees every interaction as a contest for dominance. There is no equality. One person will be one-up, the other person one-down. Verbalizations are used with this purpose, constantly establishing dominance: “I am better than you. I am more powerful than you. I am saner than you. I am more worthy than you.”
 
Often the abuser is not shouting but presenting a “totally rational” view: “Why are you being so emotional?” “Everyone knows that you are too dramatic.” “Such-and-such expert does it my way,” “You made the same mistakes with your previous husband,” etc., etc.
 
Read the transcripts in the book to see how the other, who may be approaching the conversation with a more egalitarian, vulnerable point of view, cannot understand what is going on and comes to accept the blame, seeing him- or herself as crazy and bad.
 
Evans has a second book, Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try To Control You.
 
Taking a Focusing Turn: Immediately Acknowledging “Ownership”
 
On the contrary, in an interpersonal conflict, as soon as I initiate “taking a Focusing turn to ‘sense into’ ‘How is this whole thing FOR ME?'”, I move from dominance into vulnerability and the use of “personal power,” the congruence of my own inner truth, instead of coercion, convincing YOU what to think/feel. The language of Intuitive Focusing immediately points to the existence of a “felt sense” in me, an “intuitive feel” that I can explore:
 
“Being the kind of person I am, I find this kind of situation controlling. Let me ‘sense into’ how that is for me, where that feeling comes from.”
 
“I don’t know how you are seeing things, but, for me, this is scary and anxiety-provoking. Let me take some time to ‘sit with’ that whole thing in me, and then you can have a turn to say how it is for you.”
 
“Something is going on here, in this group, I don’t know what it is, but I’m finding myself all balled up, unable to think clearly. I’d like to sense into ‘that whole thing’ and see what my body has to say.”
 
Yelling At The Wall: Space for Irrationality Can Lead To Felt Sensing
 
Although I like the power of Marshall Rosenberg’s rubric for Non-Violent Communication in illustrating that we create our own “felt response” out of our interpretations of the behaviors of others, I find that trying to use such a rubric to frame my communications in the actual moment of confusing interaction is too intellectual for me. It takes me away from my “felt-sensing” of the situation, the place for Intuitive Focusing.
 
Sometimes, I actually need to be able to start out screaming in a blaming way: “You — You — You — !”. Once I have stepped into the “owning” position of my own Focusing Turn, I can yell these blaming statements at the wall. I am already owning that they are my own “reaction.” Perhaps a third person Listening Facilitator, using Focused Listening, can reflect them back to me so that I can begin to take the reaction back inside of myself, find the “intuitive feel” of “How this whole thing is for me, being the person I am”:
 
“So, Kathy, you are so furious that you feel that Sally is doing this on purpose.”
 
“So, Kathy, the way you are seeing it, Sally really is trying to steal your husband.”
 
“So, Kathy, I’m hearing that, because of the person you are, you are experiencing this situation as a manipulation. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SENSE INTO HOW THIS IS FOR YOU, WHAT COMES IN THE FOCUSING PLACE INSIDE?”. 
 
And, here, because a Focusing turn points to and assumes each person’s own inner experiencing as a ‘felt sense’ which underlies their way of being-in-a-situation, there is a natural movement into “owning” and the vulnerability of sharing that personal inner truth. Often, as soon as a Focuser turns from blaming the other to “This is how it is for me,” the Focuser’s anger turns into the vulnerability of tears and hurt. Seeing this vulnerability, the other person becomes much more likely to respond with empathy and a willingness to work toward a mutual solution.
 
The Interpersonal Focusing Protocol
 
So, I prefer the use of the Interpersonal Focusing protocol, Listening/Focusing Turns for each participant.
 
 Because this issue of Interpersonal Focusing is so important to me, I have made the entire Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and in Spanish, from my manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad) available as a free download through my blog (see link below). In the chapter, you will find :
 
A perspective for seeing an angry person as a hurting person
 
Martin Buber’s view that the only appropriate “confrontation” has the goal of moving from “I-It” to “I-Thou” relationship
 
Complete presentation of the actual protocol for Interpersonal Focusing
 
Many examples of “felt shifts” in relational difficulties through the exchange of Listening/Focusing Turns.
 
For your exercise today, please read the entire chapter as your best introduction to the actual practice of Interpersonal Focusing, which we will consider in Week Four of this cycle.

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package, multi-media help in learning Listening/Focusing Skills .

  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” and Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication )

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, March 2, 2008 5:02 pm

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package .

  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” )

USING NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC) FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

My comments below are based upon my introduction to Rosenberg’s work 30 years ago. I stick with them because his early rubric made the difference between actual observed behavior, a person’s interpretation of that behavior, and, BECAUSE OF THIS PERSONAL INTERPRETATION, a person’s emotional reaction to a behavior, so very clear.

However, you can catch up on Rosenberg’s many advances, new books, refinements of theory, and find workshops and teachers, all at www.cnvc.org . In particular, there has been great amplification of the Needs/Wants part of the rubric, and many teachers have explicitly incorporated Gendlin’s Focusing into their teaching of NVC
 
Marshall Rosenberg’s Basic Rubric:
 
“When you did (observable behavior), I thought (my interpretation), and THEREFORE I felt (my internal feeling state). I want (a specific action as a step in resolving the situation).”
 
In Interpersonal Focusing: This Flower is Beautiful TO ME Week One, I contrasted domination through “objective” statement of the “facts” or “blaming” through locating causation in the Other with empowering communication through “owning” and sharing one’s own more vulnerable subjective experiencing of situations.
 
In Interpersonal Felt Sensing: Exercise, I invited you to look for the “intuitive feel,” the experience in your own body, of being in up to five different “unresolved” interpersonal situations.
 
Today, I ask you to take these same five experiences and try formulating them in the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) paradigm of Marshall Rosenberg.
 
Marshall Rosenberg has been teaching his model for Nonviolent Communication since at least the 1970’s, when many of us involved in the original Changes Listening/Focusing Community also studied with him. He has refined his model over the years and published numerous books for applying NVC to relationships, parenting, and conflict resolution in organizations and the global community. But I am going to lay out his paradigm in the simple terms which have stuck with me for over thirty years.
 
A. Observable Behavior
 
The observable behavior of the other which led you to have an interpersonal “reaction.” This must be as specific, concrete, non-interpreted, and observable as you can make it. E.g., anyone could see the same behavior, although “interpretation” of it might vary:
 
“When you clinched up your teeth and shook your fist…”
“When you arrived one hour after our appointed time…”
“When you sat down next to Jane…”
“When you handed in your report two days early…”
When you borrowed $100 dollars from me and had not repaid it by Jan.1…”

B. Your Interpretation
 
Your interpretation of the observable behavior: What you thought:
 
“…I thought you were angry at me…”
“…I thought you didn’t care about me, didn’t respect my time…”
“…I thought you liked her more than me…”
“…I thought you were trying to earn brownie points…”
“…I thought you were never going to pay it back…”

C. Your Feeling “Reaction” To Your Interpretation

The feeling or “felt sense” that came inside of your body because of  this interpretation:
“…and THEREFORE I felt afraid…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt angry…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt jealous and insecure…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt fearful and like fighting back…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt insecure and angry…”
(see List of feeling words on NVC website for help)

D. Your Want or Need in This Situation

A specific action step you “want” to resolve the situation:
“I would like you to tell me if I did something specific to anger you.”
“I would like you to tell me how you do feel about me and what caused you to be late.”
“I want you to clarify how you feel about Jane and how you feel about me.”
“I want you to tell me your own thinking about handing the report in early.”
“I want you to tell me when and if you are planning to pay the money back.”
(see List of Wants/Needs on NVC website for help — actually, this step is more complicated, a deeper acknowledgment of your Core Beliefs and related Needs/Wants)

“Thinking” Masquerading as “Feeling”

I ask you to take your own specific unresolved interpersonal situations from last week’s Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise and try to formulate a sentence for each using Rosenberg’s rubric —
 
“When you (observable behavior)…I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt (internal feeling state)…I want (specific action).”
 
Please notice especially how often “thinking,” (“interpretation,” “blaming the other”) masquerades as “feeling” (an actual internal emotional experience, like sadness, anger, joy, elation, nervousness, fear, greed):
 
“I feel like you don’t care about me” = “I think you don’t care about me, and therefore I feel…”
 
“I feel like you are angry with me” = “I observe your clinched teeth, shaking fist, and I think you are angry with me, so I feel frightened…”
 
“I feel oppressed” = “I think I am being oppressed by you, and I feel small, paralyzed, angry…”
 
“I feel manipulated” = “I think you are manipulating me, and I feel anxious, powerless, angry…”
 
Next week I will tell why I prefer an Interpersonal Listening/Focusing exchange to pure use of Nonviolent Communication for problem resolution.
 
And, I am not an expert in NVC, especially the latest refinements (you might see Leona’s blogs on NVC for a more thorough version of the exercise above , including the relationship between Thinking Interpretations, Core Beliefs, and unmet Needs/Wants, and many other applications of NVC exercises to real life situations). But you will learn a lot if you just try the simple rubric —
 
“When you (specific behavior), I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt…I want…”

What were the specific behaviors I observed which I then interpreted?
What might be some alternate interpretations for those behaviors?
What do I learn about myself from my interpretations?
Can I see how I might use “blaming” interpretations of the other’s behavior as a mask over “owning” and sharing my more vulnerable feelings and needs?
How do my Core Beliefs about myself and my Wants/Needs color my interpersonal “reactions” and “interpretations”?

See top of this blog for links to download complete manual Chapter on Interpersonal Focusing in English or Spanish. 

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

Comments (0)

By Kathy McGuire, February 17, 2008 5:55 pm

 PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
 
This is the beginning of a new four week cycle. For four weeks, we practice an actual exercise in three different categories: An Instant “Ahah!” to integrate into your every day life at work and at home, a Felt Sensing exercise to practice this step of Focusing, and a Complete Focusing Session. Actually doing the exercise which  arrives in each e-newsletter insures that you can call upon these new skills when needed!
COMPLETE FOCUSING SESSION: SITTING WITH THE CREATIVE EDGE OF AN INTERPERSONAL SITUATION
 
Earlier this week you received Interpersonal Focusing : “This flower is beautiful To ME”, showing how owning our own reactions, instead of blaming them on the other, actually empowers us to begin to change interpersonal situations, and Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise, inviting you to find the bodily, “intuitive feel” of five unresolved interpersonal situations (that blog also contains links to downloads of Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing (Capitulo Cinco: El Proceso Interpersonal) from Dr. McGuire’s manual, Focusing In Community (Focusing en Comunidad).
 
In the Complete Focusing Session for each of the next four weeks, you will be invited to take one of these interpersonal situations and sense into, “sit with” it in a Focusing way, seeing what new information about yourself-in-this-situation can unfold. 
 
Throughout the month, we will also explore methods for communicating and using Listening/Focusing turns with the actual other person as a way of resolving interpersonal conflict. The “felt sense” in each person in an interpersonal situation contains a Creative Edge which, when shared,  can carry both problem solving and relationship forward.
 
But, in Complete Focusing, you are going more deeply into “owning” the personal dimension of the interaction for yourself, given the person that you are.
 
Focusing On A Specific Interpersonal Situation (20 minutes) Click the link to find the actual Complete Focusing exercise in our e-newsletter archive.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, February 12, 2008 6:18 pm

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve  interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing   Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal  Order the complete Self-Help Package .

  INTERPERSONAL FELT SENSING EXERCISE !!!!!  (Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” )

Exercise: The “Felt Sense” of Various Interpersonal Situations
 
In the Complete Focusing exercise for these four weeks, we will do an Intuitive Focusing process with a variety of Interpersonal Situations, hoping to experience a “felt shift,” a true “paradigm shift” in our experiencing of ourselves and the Other in such situations.
 
But, for today, I’m asking you just to make a map, or a list, of unresolved Interpersonal Situations you are carrying and to try to find a bodily “felt sense,” the “intuitive feel” and a “handle” word or image which can help you go back to each of these Interpersonal Situations during later Complete Focusing Sessions. I’m suggesting that you take some notes for later reference, on The Specific Situation/Person, the “whole body feel” of being in that situation/with that person, and some words/images/gestures which capture “the feel of it all.”
 
Initially, we will work internally, using Felt Sensing and Complete Focusing to clarify the interpersonal dimension of situations for ourselves. As we proceed, we will also study and practice procedures for resolving such situations with the other person, if necessary. However, you will not be asked or forced to speak about any of your material to another person if you choose not to!!!! A lot of “resolution” can be done internally. Sharing Interpersonal Focusing with another is for the purpose of increased bonding and support for change. It is not required.
 
Felt Sense of Interpersonal Situations Exercise (at least 20 minutes) Find and practice the exercise, with five unresolved interpersonal situations at this e-newsletter archive link.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, February 11, 2008 5:15 pm

Honoring “Subjectivity”: “This flower is beautiful TO ME”
 
We tend to use pseudo- objectivity, pseudo-factualism, pseudo-logic to assert our view of the world over others, to “win” arguments:  “Mine is the only, the right, the correct way of seeing. The way I see it is ‘the facts.'” This way of communicating either crushes The Other or makes them defensive. It does not encourage person-to-person communication and problem resolution.
 
Rollo May, a founder of the existentialist tradition in psychology and philosophy (May, R., Angel, E., and Ellenberger, H.F., Eds., Existence, p.63) states:
 
“Suzuki has remarked that in Eastern languages, such as Japanese, adjectives always include the implication of ‘for-me-ness.’ That is to say, ‘this flower is beautiful’ means ‘for me this flower is beautiful.'”
 
Self-Reflection Instead of Reaction: “Owning” Instead of “Blaming”
 
“You are a f_____b_____!” (to me)
“It’s not fair!” (from my point of view)
“You are hurting me!” (Something in me says “You are hurting me!”)
“I want to tear your eyes out!” (Something in me wants to tear your eyes out!)
“I am deeply offended by what you have done” (Being the kind of person I am, I am deeply offended by what you have done)
 
Just these little steps of self-ownership begin to locate our reactions to other people inside of ourselves, to turn them into “felt senses,” “intuitive feels” that we can work with in a Focusing way: “What is all of this TO ME?”  “What is the feel of this interaction from the inside?”  “How is it that this grabs me?” We can begin to become self-reflective rather than purely reactive, completely “controlled” by the other person and our situations.
 
Similarly , as a Focused Listener in an Interpersonal Focusing process, we can help the Focuser, the Speaker to “disidentify” from their projections upon The Other and to turn their attention, in an Intuitive Focusing way, toward the “feel of this interaction FOR ME,” the “felt sense” of how this situation is FOR ME.
 
The Focuser, the Speaker says “He did it on purpose. He is trying to control me!” The Listening Facilitator can reflect, “Something in you is saying, ‘He did it on purpose. He is trying to control me!’ Can you sense how that feels inside?” Or “Just say ‘Hello’ to that part of yourself.” Or “So the way you see it, he is doing it on purpose — Can you stop and sense into how that is for you?”
 
 “Dis-identifying” From Our Reaction To The Other
 
Ann Weiser Cornell has eloquently defined the importance of “dis-identifying” ourselves from the many different “parts” or “aspects” of our felt-experiencing. In her model, as we stand in a neutral position of Presence, not identified with any of the warring inner “parties,” we are able to acknowledge, to say “Hello” to, to make space for each of these. And, as we do, we can become aware of the “intuitive feel,” the “bodily-felt sense,” The Creative Edge of deeper meaning called forth by each.
 
Similarly, we can use “dis-identification” in separating ourselves from our reactions to other people, finding the “felt sense” within ourselves of an interpersonal situation.
 
Self-Empowerment and Hope For Communication
 
This step from reactivity to self-reflection empowers us. Instead of being “hooked,” a puppet on the strings of our triggers, we regain the power to change our interpersonal situations: “What is this all about FOR ME?”
 
Does this mean other people can’t hurt you, can’t be doing something to hurt you or make you angry? No it does not. It is possible for people to hurt each other, for someone to act in such a way as to hurt or humiliate another person. However, even if this is somewhat the case, screaming with blame “You are_____! You did____!” is not going to reach the other person, allow you to communicate. Even if you are sure you are “in the right,” the best way to communicate with the other is from the position of “owning”: “Because of the kind of person I am, I saw you as trying to control me — I’d like to explore that feeling in me and share with you in that way.”
 
A favorite image: Two cats, their hackles up, caught on the brink of attack, each totally “hooked in” to reactivity toward the other. Instead of attacking, one lies down on its back, bares its throat to the other, a posture of peace-making. The other is then allowed to relax, and confrontation is avoided.
 
So, by beginning to look inside of ourselves for the wider “felt sensing,” the “intuitive feel” of our interactions with others, we become equipped with a tool that is not just self-empowering but has the capacity for peacemaking.
 
Throughout the month, we will explore a variety of methods for finding the “felt sense” in the midst of interpersonal situations and using it effectively, for self-empowering “felt shifts” as well as conflict-resolving communication.

Try out the first Interpersonal Focusing exercise: Felt Sense of Interpersonal Situations in our e-newsletter archive.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

www.cefocusing.com

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way