CE Focusing Blog

The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way

relationships, sex | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY: SHARING YOUR DAY, FINDING YOUR PARTNER FASCINATING!

By Kathy McGuire, March 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Catch up on this cycle: Instant Intimacy Introduction Week One blog

Kathy’s Experiences:

So, this week my husband and I shared every day, using Instant “Ahah!” #8, as we always do. We shared in front of the fireplace, or by candle light, in the hottub, etc. We had a glass of wine, 20-40 minutes usually, shorter when we had spent the day together anyway. One night we had more wine, more conversation, and ended up in passionate love-making (this in addition to our “planned dates” for love making, a concept which I will introduce in next week’s e-newsletter).

Mind you, we have a 17-year old handicapped daughter who needs almost constant supervision. We put her on the treadmill or sat her down with her meal or set up a good movie. We used to do this with two children at home, one a teen with ADHD needing constant homework supervision. We still did it.

My husband gets up at 5:30AM to get my daughter to the bus, commutes an hour to and from a very responsible job, gets home around 5PM, we usually start sharing by 6PM, before dinner. He looks forward to it even more than I. We’ve been doing it for over 10 years (I had been divorced once, he twice. I said, “If we don’t do this, we will likely get divorced. He believed me.)

I know all about his job: the assessment committee he chairs, peer review evaluations, the Faculty Senate, the new dean and new department chair, faculty leaving and being hired, interpersonal dynamics among staff, his own plans for retiring, the courses he designs and runs, his 200 students and how their personal concerns enter into his teaching.

Mind you, he is a professor of business and, when we began, I actually had a prejudice against business, finding it “meaningless.”

I also know a lot about how wood twists if not used right away, why he uses screws instead of nails when making decks, the ins and outs of various light bulb choices, how many trips to the home center it takes to find just the right piece to fix a toilet or dripping sink, etc.

I also know all about the many “bells and whistles” on his new car, his excitement about them, what he is learning from reading the manual, what he learns from reading lots of manuals for cars, boats, computers, etc., which we have. I never read manuals.

Actually, there were years when I thought his day was too boring, that he should be a “deeper person” like me, be doing something more “meaningful.” (He is a Sensor on the MBTI, very tied to present reality through the five senses, an ISTJ Guardian, a Beaver; I am an Intuitive, tied to the sixth sense, an INFJ Idealist, a Dolphin. See Personality Tests at Creative Edge Focusing so you and your partner can take them). Then, I began to tackle my own inferior Sensing, learning how to deal with accomplishing things in reality. As I became more “boring” myself, I gained more respect for his way. And he learns about “intuition” from me.

He reminds me of intimate moments we have had which come back to him. He catches me up on his family in Holland and Oregon, interactions with our daughter’s teachers and other staff. He tells me how beautiful I am. Etc.

Actually, I just thought it would be quite difficult for him or anyone else doing “Sharing Your Day” to be having an affair and not telling, or to be keeping other secrets. We look into each other’s eyes while sharing.

Don’t most affairs happen because the Other Person “listens to me,” “finds me interesting, special,” as well as more sex? Let’s think of “Sharing Your Day,” and the increased intimacy leading to more sexuality it provides, as “Anti-Affair Innoculation”!

I’d be interested to know what my husband would tell you about me from our “Sharing Your Day.”: my night-time dreams, hypochondri -ical body sensitivities, the interpersonal interactions in the 10 organizations I belong to and 10 e-discussion lists, my website marketing learnings and hassles and problems, the battles I am fighting to make the world a better place (there are always several), my worries about our son’s little family, where I went shopping and what I bought, my gardening endeavors, etc., etc.

If you aren’t already, please get to know your significant other in this intimate way. Sensuous and sexual intimacy will follow.

Use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle (see recent blogs under Conflict Resolution), as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences to help you if you are “stuck.” And Instant “Ahah!” #1 to work on “What is in the way?” in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The “Sharing Your Day” Exercise Itself

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

Instant “Ahah!” # 8 :Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY

Comments (2)

By Kathy McGuire, March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

Instant “Ahah!” #8: Instant Intimacy: Sharing Your Day

This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.

But I will also teach what I know about finding a Focusing-Oriented partner.

Here is the basic exercise. It is extremely simple. Perhaps you are already doing this with your significant other. Perhaps all you have to say is “Let’s try this,” and you and your partner will make it happen. However, perhaps it will seem impossible to get from where you are now to this kind of sharing. Or maybe you don’t even have a significant other. We will spend four weeks working on overcoming these obstacles! For today, read with your significant other, if you have one, and start practicing as many days of the week as you can.

If you don’t have a significant other, or you can’t imagine bringing this idea up with yours, you can begin using Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering You to explore the “felt sense” of this whole issue for you, look at “What is in the way—?”,” and look for a possible first step:

instant “ahah!” 8

Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy

© Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com

Time = Love

     With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and “share your day.” Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.

     At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.

Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism

      Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes

     The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional “Wow!” or “How interesting!” or “Oh, no!” or “Yikes!”).

    Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person’s turn – same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.

No Problem Solving

     And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.

Intimacy = Sharing

     That’s it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.

     Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.

     Instant “Ahah!” s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the “center of attention” to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day.

Download complete Instant “Ahah!” Mini-Manual, in English and Spanish, from CEF Website

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

relationships | closeness, communication, Conscious Relationship, Creative Edge Focusing, Empathy, increasing sensuality and sexuality, intimacy, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, sharing

ABUSO VERBAL vs. FOCUSING INTERPERSONAL

http://www.cefocusing.com/

By Kathy McGuire, March 26, 2008 4:09 pm

capitulo-cinco-el-proceso-interpersonal.doc Link to Download Free Chapter as Word File

Patrones de Lenguaje Verbalmente Abusivos: La meta: el Dominio

En su memorable libro La Relación Verbalmente Abusiva (The Verbally Abusive Relationship), Patricia Evans nos conduce “golpe a golpe” a través de transcripciones que nos ilustran cómo un individuo puede usar abuso verbal para establecer dominio sobre otra persona

Ella afirma que la persona verbalmente abusiva ve cada interacción como una competencia por el dominio. No hay igualdad. Una persona estaré arriba, la otra, abajo. Las verbalizaciones son usadas con este propósito, constantemente estableciendo dominio “Yo soy mejor que tú”. “Soy más poderoso que tú”. “Soy más valioso que tú”.

A menudo el abusador no está quitando sino presentado una visión “totalmente racional”.

¿Por qué estás siendo tan emocional?”, “Todos saben que eres muy dramática”, “Tal y tal experto lo hacen a mi manera”, “Hiciste los mismos errores con tu marido anterior, etc, etc.

Lea las transcripciones en el libro para ver cómo el otro, quien pudiera estar enfocando la conversación con un punto de vista más equitativo, vulnerable, no puede entender qué está pasando y llega a aceptar la culpa viéndose a sí mismo como loco(a) ó malo(a).

Evans tiene un segundo libro “Controlando a la Gente: Como Reconocer, Comprender y Llevarse con Gente que Trata de Controlarlo.

Al tomar un Turno de Focusing, Inmediatamente Reconocer “Propiedad”

En un conflicto Interpersonal, tan pronto como inicio ‘tomar un turno’ de Focusing para ‘sentir adentro’ ¿Cómo es todo esto PARA MI?” hago lo contrario, Me muevo del dominio a la vulnerabilidad y el uso del “poder personal”; la congruencia de mi propia verdad interior, en lugar de la coerción, convenciéndolo a Ud. qué es lo que debe pensar/sentir. (¿)El lenguaje del Focusing Intuitivo apunta inmediatamente a la existencia de una ‘sensación sentida’ en mí, un “sentir intuitivo” que puedo explorar:

“Siendo la clase de persona que soy”, encuentro esta clase de situación controladora. Déjeme ‘sentir adentro’ cómo es esto para mí, de dónde sale este sentimiento”.

“No sé cómo ve Ud. las cosas, pero para mí esto me asusta y me provoca ansiedad. Permítame tomar un tiempo para ‘permanecer con ‘toda esa cosa en mí, y luego Ud. puede tener un turno para decir cómo es para Ud.”

“Algo pasa aquí en este grupo. No sé lo que es, pero me encuentro a mí misma toda enrollada, incapaz de pensar claramente”.

“Me gustaría sentir adentro de “toda esa cosa” y ver qué es lo que mi cuerpo tiene que decir!!”

EL GRITAR A UNA PARED: Hacer Espacio Para lo Irracional Puede Conducir a la Sensación Sentida.

Aunque me gusta el poder de título de Marshall Rosenberg y su “Comunicación no-violenta” para ilustrar que nosotros creamos nuestra propia “respuesta sentida” a partir de nuestras interpretaciones de otros; yo encuentro que el tratar de usar ese título, para configurar mis comunicaciones en el momento actual de interacción confusa, es muy intelectual para mí. Me aleja de mi “sensación sentida” de la situación, el lugar para el Focusing Intuitivo.

A veces, realmente necesito ser capaz de comenzar a gritar como culpando ” ¡Ud—Ud—Ud!—

Una vez que he tomado la posición de “apropiarme” de mi propio turno de Focusing, puedo gritar estas afirmaciones de culpa, a una pared. Ya estoy apropiándome de ellas, que ellas son mi propia “reacción”. Tal vez una tercera persona, el Facilitador de Escucha , usando Escucha Focalizada me las pueda reflejar de vuelta para que pueda comenzar a interiorizar la reacción y encontrar el “sentir intuitivo” de siendo la persona que soy, “cómo es toda esta cosa para mí”.

Así que, Kathy, estás tan furiosa que sientes que Sally lo hace a propósito”.

Así que, Kathy, de la manera en que lo ves, Sally realmente está tratando de robarte a tu esposo”.

Así que Kathy, estoy escuchando que debido a la persona que eres, estás experimentado esta situación como una manipulación.

¿LE GUSTARIA TOMAR UN MOMENTO PARA SENTIR ADENTRO COMO ES ESTO PARA UD?. ¿QUé VIENE EN EL LUGAR DE FOCUSING, ALLÍ, ADENTRO?

Y aquí, debido a que el turno de Focusing señala y asume el experienciar interno de cada persona como una ‘sensación sentida’ que subraya su manera de estar-en-una-situación, hay un movimiento natural hacia el ‘apropiarse’ y la vulnerabilidad de compartir esa verdad personal interna.

A menudo, tan pronto como un Focalizador hace un viraje, desde culpar al otro a “Esto es así, para mí”, la furia del Focalizador se convierte en vulnerabilidad con presencia de lágrimas y dolor. Al ver esta vulnerabilidad, la otra persona tiene más deseo de responder con empatía y con una necesidad de trabajar hacia una solución mutua.

Protocolo de Focusing Interpersonal

Prefiero el uso del protocolo de Focusing Interpersonal de Turnos de Escucha/Focusing para cada participante.

Debido a que este asunto de Focusing Interpersonal es tan importante para mí, he puesto a disposición de Uds. el Capítulo Cinco entero, del Manual: Focusing en Comunidad (Focusing in Community) en inglés y en español. Pueden bajarlo desde mi blog (vea el enlace más abajo) – En ese capítulo, Ud. encontrará:

– Una perspectiva para ver a una persona furiosa como a una persona herida.
– La visión de Martín Buber que la única confrontación apropiada tiene por meta el moverse desde la relación “YO – OBJETO” a la relación “YO – TU”.
– Una presentación completa del protocolo real para Focusing Interpersonal
– Muchos ejemplos de “cambios sentidos” en dificultades de relación a través del intercambio de Turnos de Escucha y Focusing.

Para su ejercicio de hoy día, por favor lea el Capítulo Completo como su mejor introducción a la práctica real de Focusing Interpersonal, el cual consideramos en la Semana Cuatro de este ciclo.

Baje a su computadora las instrucciones completas de cómo usar Focusing Intuitivo y Turnos de Escucha Focalizada para resolver conflictos interpersonales con creatividad: Capítulo Cinco: El Proceso Interpersonal. Ordene el Paquete de Auto-Ayuda, ayuda multi-media para aprender las destrezas de Escucha y Focusing.

(Lea la filosofía introductoria: “Esta flor es hermosa PARA MI y la Comunicación No-Violenta de Rosenberg.

Encuentre enlaces a los artículos gratuitos, tests de personalidad, entrenamiento de Auto-ayuda multi-media, Clases y Talleres.

Translation by Agnes Rodriguez, Certified Focusing Teacher, http://www.cefocusing.com/about/AgnesRodriguez_spanish.php

Dra. Kathy McGuire, Directora

Creative Edge Focusing TM

spanish translations | Comunicación No-Verbal de Marshall Rosenberg, Consiguiendo una Sensación Sentida, Focusing de Gendlin, Focusing Interpersonal, hacer la paz, Patricia Evans, Relaciones armoniosas, Relaciones Verbalmente Abusivas., resolución de conflictos, Soluciones de Problemas Interpersonales

INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING: THE ONE MINUTE APOLOGY

By Kathy McGuire, March 20, 2008 12:15 pm

THE ONE MINUTE APOLOGY

Ken Blanchard, creator of The One Minute Manager idea, and Margret McBride wrote a lovely short book called The One Minute Apology: A Powerful Way To Make Things Better (William Morrow, 2003). It’s for executives and others (and their employees and friends!) who have made a big mistake.

First, I am going to walk you through Blanchard and McBride’s method. Then I am going to invite you to use The Intuitive Focusing skill to “work” the method in a deeper way. Intuitive Focusing allows you to take any question inside and, instead of answering from the “already known,” to go deeper into making fresh words for the “intuitive feel” of it all that is “more-than-words.”

The book tells a parable about an assistant who sees that his boss has made this kind of mistake and is trying to cover it up. Through conversations with a number of helpful people, the assistant finds a way to help his boss “fess up” and fix the problem.

It’s a message for everyone, a great holiday gift for everyone you know. Although perhaps the method has a lot in common with the 12-Step approach to recovery from addiction, what is great is that the book sets a new norm. It provides a rationale, it makes it acceptable, it makes it possible for executives and others who find it difficult to acknowledge weakness and error to — just follow this simple method! Now, they could just walk into a Board Meeting and say, “I need to make a One Minute Apology.” The door has been opened.

Here is Blanchard’s summary of The One Minute Apology method:

“I ask myself the following questions, and answer truthfully:

What mistake did I make?
Did I dismiss another person, their wishes, feelings, or ideas?
Did I take credit when it wasn’t due?

Why did I do this?
Was it an impulsive, thoughtless act? Was it calculated?
Was it a result of my fear, anger, or frustration?
What was my motivation?

How long have I let this go on? Is this the first or repeated time?
Is this behavior becoming a pattern in my life?

What is the truth I am not dealing with?
Am I better than this behavior?

Then I do the following:

I begin my one minute apology with Surrender
I am truthful and admit to myself that I’ve done something wrong and I need to make up for it.
I take full responsibility for my actions and sincerely recognize the need to apologize to anyone I have harmed, regardless of the outcome
I have a sense of urgency about apologizing – I act as soon as possible
I tell anyone harmed specifically what I did wrong
I share how I feel about what I did with those harmed

I complete my one minute apology with Integrity
I recognize that what I did is inconsistent with who I want to be
I reaffirm I am better than my poor behavior and forgive myself
I recognize how much I have hurt another person by making amends and demonstrate my commitment not to repeat the act by changing my behavior

Use Intuitive Focusing As An Aid In A One Minute Apology?(20 minutes)

Intuitive Focusing can help you get to the deeper roots of a problem, to get below the rational thoughts that spin in your mind but don’t help you move forward or find out something new. Intuitive Focusing means pausing, for just a moment, and letting the “whole body feel,” the “right-brain, intuitive information” come as A Creative Edge, a something-more-than-words from which new, non-linear answers can come.

If this fits for you in anyway, you can use a modification of Instant “Ahah!” #1, Focusing: Find Out What Is Bothering to spend some time sitting with the “intuitive feel” that comes to Blanchard and McBride’s basic questions, and then use their action suggestions to facilitate an apology:

Set aside some uninterrupted time and take a seat in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes if you can be comfortable doing that. Otherwise just stare into space —

Notice the feel of your body everywhere that it touches the chair, your feet on the ground, as a beginning step in going inside, becoming aware of your whole-body “intuition” —

Now just pay attention to your breath, just noticing the breath going in — and out — in — and out — in — and out —
One minute
Now notice where you have tension in your body. Massage those spots a bit with your hands if you want — your head and face, your neck and shoulders, wherever —
One minute
Now imagine that all that tension becomes a stream of water, running down your arms and legs and out of your body — just letting go —
One minute
Now ask yourself, “What mistake have I made that could benefit from a One Minute Apology? —-
“Is there something I have done which I carry as a weight, a fear, an unresolved tension?” —
“Have I dismissed another person, their wishes, feelings, or ideas?” —
“Have I taken credit when it wasn’t due?” —
These are just possibilities. Ask yourself, “Is there a mistake I have made?” Just wait quietly, as long as a minute, for the “intuitive feel,” the “felt sense” of that “whole thing” to form in the center of your body:
One minute or more
Spend some time going back and forth between the “feel of it all” and words or images or gestures that might capture it, until your body-feel says, “Yes, that’s right. That captures it. That captures my mistake” —
One minute
Now, if it fits for you, ask Blanchard’s next question: “Why did I do this? Some suggestions: impulsivity, thoughtlessness? Calculated? Out of fear, anger, or frustration? But ask yourself, “What was my motivation?” and see what comes inside, the “intuitive feel,” the not-yet words about the motivation for this whole mistake —
One minute
And, again, take some time to go back and forth between the “feel of it all” and words, images, or gestures which capture it —
One minute
And now ask yourself Blanchard’s question, “How long have I let this go on? Is this the first or repeated time? Is this behavior becoming a pattern in my life?” and see what comes — again, not the words you already know but the “intuitive feel” of the answer: “Is this the first and only time? How widespread is this behavior in my life?” —
One minute
And again carefully find words or images to capture “all of that” —
One minute
And Blanchard’s next question: ‘What is the truth I am not dealing with?” or “Is there a truth I am not dealing with?” and see what comes —
One minute
Go back and forth between the “intuitive feel” and words and images until the symbols fit and capture the “feel of it all” and your body says, “Oh, yes. That.” —
One minute
And ask yourself Blanchard’s question: “Am I better than this behavior?” and see what comes — not the known words but the “intuitive feel” —
One minute
And go back and forth until you find words or images to capture that —
One minute
And now spend some time with Blanchard’s action steps as listed above, asking yourself each time, “Am I ready and able to do this?” “What would be needed for me to take this action? What kind of support or help, if needed?” and make a list of how you are going to carry out these action steps. And then start your One Minute Apology!!!

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

Business, conflict resolution, self-help skills | apologizing, CEO apology, fixing bad errors, Gendlin's Focusing, honesty, integrity, Interpersonal Focusing, Intuitive Focusing, Ken Blanchard, Margret McBride, recovering from mistakes, surrender, The One Minute Apology, The One Minute Manager

INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING: THE MYTH OF DOMINANCE

By Kathy McGuire, March 14, 2008 2:54 pm

Replacing The Myth of Dominance With The Personal Power of Focusing

In his book, Beyond The Myth Of Dominance: An Alternative To A Violent Society, Father Ed McMahon, co-founder of the Biospiritual Focusing approach, makes the same point as Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication: our greatest power in trying to persuade another is, not coercion, but personal power: sharing from our own inner experiencing.

McMahon makes the additional point that “personal power” comes from becoming congruent with our own inner Selves. We have to know our own Selves thoroughly in order to communicate honestly with the other and to take responsibility for moral action.

Trying To Dominate Ourselves, Our Familiars, Our Global Neighbors

McMahon questions the idea of dominance when applied at all levels:

Intrapsychically, we try to dominate our own inner selves, telling ourselves what we should feel, instead of turning a Caring Feeling Presence toward all the different aspects of ourselves, our conflicts, and using Focusing to let the “whole” story unfold from our body’s intuitive knowing of the whole situation, being honest with ourselves.

Interpersonally, we try to dominate other people by telling them what they should feel, instead of vulnerably sharing our own perspective through Intuitive Focusing and using Focused Listening to hear the perspective of another until a mutually-acceptable solution arises.

As whole cultures and communities, we try to force people to conform, tell them what they should feel, invite them to “give their personal power over” to us and our institutions, instead of encouraging and facilitating “inner congruence with one’s own truth,” the root of conscience and personal power.

Dominance Erodes The Basis Of Civilization

In describing the rise and fall of great previous civilizations, McMahon says:

“However, the dark side of such a basically closed system of authority residing not in the people but in the preservation of ritual and in the absolute powers of the leader was that corruption and the abuse of people soon wormed their way into the system. Disintegration of the culture was inevitably not far behind. In all these civilizations, there was really no empowerment given to the ordinary person, and thus no lasting source for continuing growth and health in the society. When the power source became corrupt, the civilization fell to pieces” (p. vi)

Dominance Includes Trying To “Fix” Others

And in describing even the attempts of “social activists” to “fix” the world by telling people what they “should” do, he quotes a feminist learning about using Focusing to turn a Caring Feeling Presence toward the inner experiencing of herself and others:

“I have been active in working for women’s rights for years, and I can see now what a difference it would make in our effectiveness if we were as committed to caring for and listening to our own anger and hurt as we are to this important cause. I think it would change the ‘feel’ people have when they encounter many of us, as well as our tactics in trying to bring justice and peace into the world.” (p. 92)

Approaching people with confrontation and antagonism and blaming makes people defensive. Dominance disempowers the other. Sharing from your own “personal power,” your own vulnerability and experience of being-you-in-the-world allows people to listen instead of arguing back. At the same time, it strengthens your own “congruence,” your own capacity to take a stand for your own point of view. And refusing to dominate strengthens the personal power of the other.

The Interpersonal Focusing Protocol

You can read the entire Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and in Spanish, from my manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad). Click here for a free download through my blog. It gives explicit instructions and examples. Also, you can read the Interpersonal Focusing Case Studies at www.cefocusing.com .

However, here is the simple Interpersonal Focusing Protocol as summarized in that chapter:
TABLE 5.1

HOW TO USE INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING

ALLOW TWO HOURS

FIRST STAGE: CLARIFICATION OF THE ISSUE
                             (several five or ten minute turns)

(a)    Owning instead of blaming:
       “I feel —” instead of “You are —”

(b)    Behavioral specificity instead of
       generalizations:
       “When you —” instead of “You are —”
       “When you do — , I feel —”

SECOND STAGE: GOING DEEPER
   (one or more twenty minute turns for
     each person)

(a)     Use Focusing on your own hurt feeling:
       “What’s in this for me?”

(b)    Honestly try to discover your own
        part in the interaction:
       “Why does this bother me so much?”

(c) The other person uses Focused Listening to respond

AN OPTION: USING A THIRD PERSON AS A LISTENING FACILITATOR
The Third Person uses Focused Listening to respond to each person in turn

                                   (a) Allows for the expression of angry
                                          feelings in a protected way

(c)     Protects against issues of distortion
       And mutual distrust

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

conflict resolution, relationships, self-help skills | , Beyond The Myth of Dominance, conflict resolution, Father Ed McMahon, Focused Listening, Gendlin's Focusing, Getting A Felt Sense, harmonious relationships, Interpersonal Focusing, interpersonal problem solving, Intuitive Focusing, Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication, peace making, Third-Person Facilitators

Learning Focusing, Listening, and Focusing Partnership Exchange

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By Kathy McGuire, March 6, 2008 1:33 pm

Capitulo Tres: El Intercambio de Escucha

Chapter Three: Listening/Focusing Exchange

Click links for free downloads of word file of manual chapter

THE LISTENING/FOCUSING EXCHANGE

The basic, core model for interpersonal forms of Gendlin’s Focusing is the Focusing Partnership: the equal exchange of turns between peer counselors. One person uses Focusing to pay attention to the murky “intuitive feel,” the “felt sense” of an issue or problem needing solving. The other person responds with Empathic Listening, simply trying to “say back” or “reflect” the words of the Focuser, with emphasis upon the “feeling tone” and the murky, unclear Edge. The Listener might also give Focusing Invitations to help the Focuser go more deeply into the “felt sense” of the issue.

Then, after the designated time is up, the two share feedback about being the Focuser and being the Listener in that turn, then switch roles. The first Focuser now becomes the Listener, and the initial Listener becomes the Focuser, for an equal period of time.

THE FOCUSING PARTNERSHIP PROGRAM

Gendlin’s international Focusing Institute offers a Focusing Partnership program, a way in which people can form Focusing Partnerships for face-to-face or phone Focusing Partnership sessions world-wide. Those with no initial Listening/Focusing training can participate in two paid training sessions in numerous languages and by phone. Then they can join the Focusing Partnership pool. Click here to find all about the Focusing Partnership Program at The Focusing Institute website.

SELF-HELP MANUAL TEACHING FOCUSING PARTNERSHIP

I have taught Focusing Partnership, which I have called the Listening/Focusing Exchange for thirty years, since my own initial experience of Focusing Partnership in the original Changes Listening/Focusing Community in Chicago starting in 1968. My manual, Focusing In Community: How To Start A Listening/Focusing Support Group (Focusing En Comunidad: Como Empezar Un Grupo De Apoyo De Escucha Y Focusing) includes thorough instructions in how to do Focusing Partnerships and how to include them within a Focusing Group/Team/Community.

Download the complete Chapter Three: The Listening/Focusing Exchange (Capitulo Tres: El Intercambio de Escucha) from the manual to begin exploring these wonderful self-help tools. Use the links at the top of this blog.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

core skills, Intuitive Focusing, LISTENING, self-help skills, support groups | Empathic Listening, Experiential Focusing, Focusing Communities, Focusing Partnership, Gendlin, peer counseling, Rogers, Self-Help Groups

VERBAL ABUSE VS. INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING

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By Kathy McGuire, March 5, 2008 1:57 pm

Verbally-Abusive Patterns of Speech: Dominance The Goal

In her remarkable book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans walks us “blow-by-blow” through transcripts illustrating how an individual can use verbal abuse to establish dominance over another person.

She states that the verbally abusive person sees every interaction as a contest for dominance. There is no equality. One person will be one-up, the other person one-down. Verbalizations are used with this purpose, constantly establishing dominance: “I am better than you. I am more powerful than you. I am saner than you. I am more worthy than you.”

Often the abuser is not shouting but presenting a “totally rational” view: “Why are you being so emotional?” “Everyone knows that you are too dramatic.” “Such-and-such expert does it my way,” “You made the same mistakes with your previous husband,” etc., etc.

Read the transcripts in the book to see how the other, who may be approaching the conversation with a more egalitarian, vulnerable point of view, cannot understand what is going on and comes to accept the blame, seeing him- or herself as crazy and bad.

Evans has a second book, Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try To Control You.

Taking a Focusing Turn: Immediately Acknowledging “Ownership”

On the contrary, in an interpersonal conflict, as soon as I initiate “taking a Focusing turn to ‘sense into’ ‘How is this whole thing FOR ME?'”, I move from dominance into vulnerability and the use of “personal power,” the congruence of my own inner truth, instead of coercion, convincing YOU what to think/feel. The language of Intuitive Focusing immediately points to the existence of a “felt sense” in me, an “intuitive feel” that I can explore:

“Being the kind of person I am, I find this kind of situation controlling. Let me ‘sense into’ how that is for me, where that feeling comes from.”

“I don’t know how you are seeing things, but, for me, this is scary and anxiety-provoking. Let me take some time to ‘sit with’ that whole thing in me, and then you can have a turn to say how it is for you.”

“Something is going on here, in this group, I don’t know what it is, but I’m finding myself all balled up, unable to think clearly. I’d like to sense into ‘that whole thing’ and see what my body has to say.”

Yelling At The Wall: Space for Irrationality Can Lead To Felt Sensing

Although I like the power of Marshall Rosenberg’s rubric for Non-Violent Communication in illustrating that we create our own “felt response” out of our interpretations of the behaviors of others, I find that trying to use such a rubric to frame my communications in the actual moment of confusing interaction is too intellectual for me. It takes me away from my “felt-sensing” of the situation, the place for Intuitive Focusing.

Sometimes, I actually need to be able to start out screaming in a blaming way: “You — You — You — !”. Once I have stepped into the “owning” position of my own Focusing Turn, I can yell these blaming statements at the wall. I am already owning that they are my own “reaction.” Perhaps a third person Listening Facilitator, using Focused Listening, can reflect them back to me so that I can begin to take the reaction back inside of myself, find the “intuitive feel” of “How this whole thing is for me, being the person I am”:

“So, Kathy, you are so furious that you feel that Sally is doing this on purpose.”

“So, Kathy, the way you are seeing it, Sally really is trying to steal your husband.”

“So, Kathy, I’m hearing that, because of the person you are, you are experiencing this situation as a manipulation. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SENSE INTO HOW THIS IS FOR YOU, WHAT COMES IN THE FOCUSING PLACE INSIDE?”.

And, here, because a Focusing turn points to and assumes each person’s own inner experiencing as a ‘felt sense’ which underlies their way of being-in-a-situation, there is a natural movement into “owning” and the vulnerability of sharing that personal inner truth. Often, as soon as a Focuser turns from blaming the other to “This is how it is for me,” the Focuser’s anger turns into the vulnerability of tears and hurt. Seeing this vulnerability, the other person becomes much more likely to respond with empathy and a willingness to work toward a mutual solution.

The Interpersonal Focusing Protocol

So, I prefer the use of the Interpersonal Focusing protocol, Listening/Focusing Turns for each participant.

Because this issue of Interpersonal Focusing is so important to me, I have made the entire Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing, in English and in Spanish, from my manual, Focusing in Community (Focusing en Comunidad) available as a free download through my blog (see link below). In the chapter, you will find :

A perspective for seeing an angry person as a hurting person

Martin Buber’s view that the only appropriate “confrontation” has the goal of moving from “I-It” to “I-Thou” relationship

Complete presentation of the actual protocol for Interpersonal Focusing

Many examples of “felt shifts” in relational difficulties through the exchange of Listening/Focusing Turns.

For your exercise today, please read the entire chapter as your best introduction to the actual practice of Interpersonal Focusing, which we will consider in Week Four of this cycle.

Download complete instructions on using Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening Turns to resolve interpersonal conflicts, turning conflict into creativity: Chapter Five: Interpersonal Focusing Capitulo Cinco El Proceso Interpersonal Order the complete Self-Help Package, multi-media help in learning Listening/Focusing Skills .

(Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” and Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication )

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

conflict resolution, relationships, self-help skills | conflict resolution, Gendlin's Focusing, Getting A Felt Sense, harmonious relationships, Interpersonal Focusing, interpersonal problem solving, Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication, Patricia Evans, peace making, verbally abusive relationship

INTERPERSONAL FOCUSING: ROSENBERG’S NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION

By Kathy McGuire, March 2, 2008 5:02 pm

(Read introductory philosophy “This flower is beautiful TO ME” )

USING NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC) FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

My comments below are based upon my introduction to Rosenberg’s work 30 years ago. I stick with them because his early rubric made the difference between actual observed behavior, a person’s interpretation of that behavior, and, BECAUSE OF THIS PERSONAL INTERPRETATION, a person’s emotional reaction to a behavior, so very clear.

However, you can catch up on Rosenberg’s many advances, new books, refinements of theory, and find workshops and teachers, all at www.cnvc.org . In particular, there has been great amplification of the Needs/Wants part of the rubric, and many teachers have explicitly incorporated Gendlin’s Focusing into their teaching of NVC

Marshall Rosenberg’s Basic Rubric:

“When you did (observable behavior), I thought (my interpretation), and THEREFORE I felt (my internal feeling state). I want (a specific action as a step in resolving the situation).”

In Interpersonal Focusing: This Flower is Beautiful TO ME Week One, I contrasted domination through “objective” statement of the “facts” or “blaming” through locating causation in the Other with empowering communication through “owning” and sharing one’s own more vulnerable subjective experiencing of situations.

In Interpersonal Felt Sensing: Exercise, I invited you to look for the “intuitive feel,” the experience in your own body, of being in up to five different “unresolved” interpersonal situations.

Today, I ask you to take these same five experiences and try formulating them in the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) paradigm of Marshall Rosenberg.

Marshall Rosenberg has been teaching his model for Nonviolent Communication since at least the 1970’s, when many of us involved in the original Changes Listening/Focusing Community also studied with him. He has refined his model over the years and published numerous books for applying NVC to relationships, parenting, and conflict resolution in organizations and the global community. But I am going to lay out his paradigm in the simple terms which have stuck with me for over thirty years.

A. Observable Behavior

The observable behavior of the other which led you to have an interpersonal “reaction.” This must be as specific, concrete, non-interpreted, and observable as you can make it. E.g., anyone could see the same behavior, although “interpretation” of it might vary:

“When you clinched up your teeth and shook your fist…”
“When you arrived one hour after our appointed time…”
“When you sat down next to Jane…”
“When you handed in your report two days early…”
When you borrowed $100 dollars from me and had not repaid it by Jan.1…”

B. Your Interpretation

Your interpretation of the observable behavior: What you thought:

“…I thought you were angry at me…”
“…I thought you didn’t care about me, didn’t respect my time…”
“…I thought you liked her more than me…”
“…I thought you were trying to earn brownie points…”
“…I thought you were never going to pay it back…”

C. Your Feeling “Reaction” To Your Interpretation

The feeling or “felt sense” that came inside of your body because of this interpretation:
“…and THEREFORE I felt afraid…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt angry…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt jealous and insecure…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt fearful and like fighting back…”
“…and THEREFORE I felt insecure and angry…”
(see List of feeling words on NVC website for help)

D. Your Want or Need in This Situation

A specific action step you “want” to resolve the situation:
“I would like you to tell me if I did something specific to anger you.”
“I would like you to tell me how you do feel about me and what caused you to be late.”
“I want you to clarify how you feel about Jane and how you feel about me.”
“I want you to tell me your own thinking about handing the report in early.”
“I want you to tell me when and if you are planning to pay the money back.”
(see List of Wants/Needs on NVC website for help — actually, this step is more complicated, a deeper acknowledgment of your Core Beliefs and related Needs/Wants)

“Thinking” Masquerading as “Feeling”

I ask you to take your own specific unresolved interpersonal situations from last week’s Interpersonal Felt Sensing Exercise and try to formulate a sentence for each using Rosenberg’s rubric —

“When you (observable behavior)…I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt (internal feeling state)…I want (specific action).”

Please notice especially how often “thinking,” (“interpretation,” “blaming the other”) masquerades as “feeling” (an actual internal emotional experience, like sadness, anger, joy, elation, nervousness, fear, greed):

“I feel like you don’t care about me” = “I think you don’t care about me, and therefore I feel…”

“I feel like you are angry with me” = “I observe your clinched teeth, shaking fist, and I think you are angry with me, so I feel frightened…”

“I feel oppressed” = “I think I am being oppressed by you, and I feel small, paralyzed, angry…”

“I feel manipulated” = “I think you are manipulating me, and I feel anxious, powerless, angry…”

Next week I will tell why I prefer an Interpersonal Listening/Focusing exchange to pure use of Nonviolent Communication for problem resolution.

And, I am not an expert in NVC, especially the latest refinements (you might see Leona’s blogs on NVC for a more thorough version of the exercise above , including the relationship between Thinking Interpretations, Core Beliefs, and unmet Needs/Wants, and many other applications of NVC exercises to real life situations). But you will learn a lot if you just try the simple rubric —

“When you (specific behavior), I thought (interpretation)…and THEREFORE I felt…I want…”

What were the specific behaviors I observed which I then interpreted?
What might be some alternate interpretations for those behaviors?
What do I learn about myself from my interpretations?
Can I see how I might use “blaming” interpretations of the other’s behavior as a mask over “owning” and sharing my more vulnerable feelings and needs?
How do my Core Beliefs about myself and my Wants/Needs color my interpersonal “reactions” and “interpretations”?

See top of this blog for links to download complete manual Chapter on Interpersonal Focusing in English or Spanish.

Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director