INTEREST AREA: Building Supportive Community – Ten First Steps

By , October 31, 2007 12:38 pm

Community: Core Creative Edge Focusing ™ Concepts

  • Sharing from The Creative Edge creates feelings of empathy, a deep understanding of the validity of the other person’s unique point of view
  • Sharing from The Creative Edge also creates feelings of connection, a deep understanding that, underneath our uniqueness, we share a common humanity
  • The Focusing Partnership method creates a sense of community and shared humanity similar to the Greek concept of the love called Agape, the Christian love of The Christ Within each person, and the compassion of the Buddha for the Universal Oneness underlying everything
  • This Agape is the glue which binds us into a human community, providing the motivation for overcoming conflict at all levels in society
  • This creation of Agape, creation of love, can happen when the Focusing Partnership method is used for the purpose of building Focusing Groups/Teams  or Focusing Communities, or it can arise in Creative Edge Organizations as Focusing Groups/Teams do problem-solving toward a common goal
  • Call it “buy-in,” “commitment,” “loyalty,” “full engagement,” but an essential by-product of shared creativity and collaboration is a sense of being deeply connected to other people and working toward a common goal
  • The creation of Community has benefits for conflict resolution within interpersonal relationships but also within organizations and at the national and  international level      (See Creating At The Edge/Culture of Creativity at  http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a11.php for full underlying concepts of Creative Edge Focusing™ )

Building Supportive Community

The Building Supportive Community Project brings the Creative Edge Focusing ™  Model, with its two Core Skills, Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, and seven Applied Methods of The Creative Edge Pyramid, into existing support groups and communities, as well as starting new Focusing Communities.

Some applications are 12-Step Groups, Support Groups, Community Mental Health , Religious and Spiritual Communities,  Hospitals , Prisons , Schools , Conflict Resolution, Participatory Democracy ,  and Collaborative Work Groups and Collectives. See (PDF file) Focusing and Twelve Step by Steve Crawford , http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2F2p_Experiential_Focusing_Twelve_Step_Recovery_Work_Steve_Crawford.pdf and  Recovery Focusing by Suzanne Noel at  http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/3a1bNoelRECOVERY_FOCUSING_final_2.pdf for an integration of Gendlin’s Focusing theory and the 12-Steps.

Community means a felt-experience of interconnection and mutual support as well as the capacity to work together toward a common cause. In a community everyone can belong, respected for their uniqueness or their role but working toward the common good.  For community to work, people need ways to respect and to capitalize on differences and to resolve interpersonal conflicts.

Community can be built starting with people who initially come together for mutual emotional support, as in a support group. That experience of sharing can build outward into an actual community which can organize toward a common goal, for instance, advocacy.

Or, community can be built starting with people who initially come together to accomplish a shared goal, as in a grass-roots campaign or a non-profit or for-profit organization. The good feelings created through collaboration can end up having also created feelings of mutual care and supportive community.  

Dr. McGuire’s  manual, Focusing In Community: How To Start A Listening/Focusing Support Group (in Spanish, Focusing en Comunidad: Como Empezar un Grupo de Apoyo de Escocha Y Focusing)teaches the basic skills needed.  Audio and video tapes and phone sessions and workshops enhance this learning.  The Creative Edge e-discussion/support group connects you with other people throughout the world who belong to Focusing Communities (join from the sidebar at www.cefocusing.com .

The above is excerpted from Creative Edge Focusing’s website. Continue reading about Building Supportive Community in both Support Groups and Task-Oriented Groups at http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1b.php

You can also read the following articles:

  • The Focusing Community at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2F1gTheFocusingCommunity.pdf
  • Changes: A Peer Counseling Model for Community Mental Health at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2F2qChangesPeerCounselingModelOfCommunityMentalHealthFinal.PDF
  • Listening and Focusing In Supportive Community at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/2F2lListeningFocusingInSupportiveCommunityFinal.PDF
  • Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

    Creative Edge Focusing TM

    www.cefocusing.com

    COLLABORATION = CREATIVITY AND INNOVATION IN THE MARKETPLACE

    By , October 30, 2007 10:24 am

    Empowerment Organization: Motivating from the bottom up

    Motivation = Engagement : Apathy Is The Enemy!

    You are charged with finding that “one small thing” which will get every employee or volunteer or citizen fully engaged in your larger projects. No apathy allowed in a Creative Edge Organization! You want to become alert to noticing apathy, people at any level who are not caring, not involved, and then work at involvement. You want every person actively involved at The Creative Edge, the lively, creative, energized “intuitive feel” of being a living, thinking, involved  Co-Creator or Collaborator.

    Finding “One Small Thing”

    In the ongoing life of your Creative Edge community or organization, the weekly exchange of Listening/Focusing turns in Focusing Partnerships and  Focusing Groups or Teams will keep individuals involved at their own personal, unique Creative Edge. See Interest Area: Creative Edge Organization at http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1a.php for a full introduction to the model.  

    However, in addition, or perhaps first or independently, you can use the “One Small Thing” method to find one over-arching project that will get everyone involved.

    You want to find “One Small Thing” that every person in the community or organization can become involved in with minimal effort but maximum sense of satisfaction in contributing something to the larger mission.  If the first step of involvement is too big, too difficult, then most people won’t be willing to do it.

    So, you have to keep looking until you find something so small that everyone can do it, easily, willingly, yet so important that it will feel like a real contribution, a first step of commitment to the larger cause. Then, you can invite these involved, engaged people into further Collaborative Decision Making about the project.

    If your “One Small Thing” project is not having the desired effect, then the step is too big, requires too much motivation or commitment. If that is the case, then you need to look for a smaller step until you find the one that works.

    Example One: Achieving Corporate Buy-In

    At Old Navy (Business Week, June,19, 2006), Innovation Champion Ivy Ross, catching the MySpace-type lifestyle of today, used a facebook-style CD in an effort to bind old and new employees into one new group. Every employee filmed three minutes of “something so personal it would take years to discover it.” Ross had new and old employees hungrily viewing the CD. They quickly became bonded into one, new group, “infused…with a close tightness essential for innovation.” Ross had found the “One Small Thing.”

    Example Two: Revitalizing the PTO at a public school

    The PTO of a public school was languishing. A handful of parents wer doing all the work. A new property tax bill dramatically cut funding to the public schools, wiping out PE teachers, art, music, librarians, nurses….The parents suddenly had to raise a whole lot of money from a population of middle to low income parents.

    The small group of committed parents started selling Grocery Store Gift Certificates. The PTO could purchase the “scrip” at a 5% discount, resell it to parents to use to buy groceries, and make a 5% profit on something parents had to buy anyway. Everyone had to buy groceries!  They sold “scrip” in the front hallway before school and at school events and PTO meetings.

    Suddenly, everyone was buying “scrip” – grandparents, neighbors, as well as parents and teachers. People were coming into the school to purchase “scrip” and staying to paint walls or help with reading. The only people who were unhappy were parents who were on food stamps – they were furious that they couldn’t contribute!!!! The PTO had found the One Small Thing that allowed everyone to become involved.

    Now, parents had a “stake” in how the money would be spent. Attendance at PTO meetings grew to thirty, making decisions about how to distribute the funds, how to enlarge the “scrip” program. Teachers came to present proposals for funding.

    In the first year, the PTO raised $11,000 (at the 5% net profit, gross sales of $220,000!) to hire a part-time PE teacher who would teach the other teachers how to run PE classes. The “scrip” program spread to other public schools and, ten years later, a large banner in front of the town high school reads “Buy Grocery Scrip”.

    But, more importantly, the entire school was revitalized.  The parents had to establish a “volunteer lounge” at the school to accommodate all the volunteers!

    Hypothetical Example: Global Warming

    You are Al Gore.  You want to get every day citizens involved in the issue of Global Warming. But most people feel apathetic: “Oh, there is nothing that one person can do…it is up to governments.”

    Well, maybe it is up to governments…but non-apathetic, engaged citizens are the ones to put pressure on governments.  So, you are looking for that “one small thing.” “What is one small thing that masses of people would be willing to do and which would act as a first step toward full engagement?”

    Here’s a possibility:  Purportedly, “idling” your car greatly increases the output of pollutants. Yet, everyone, without giving it a thought, “idles” at drive-up banks, fast food take-outs, school pick ups. What about a “Stop Idling! Stop Greenhouse Gases” campaign? With bumper stickers, flyers on car windows or handed out at drive-up locations….the double-entendre “Don’t idle and don’t be idle!”……

    If you can get people, all over the world, to “Stop Idling!”, you will have them engaged in thinking about global warming every day…and primed to engage in other actions which you initiate.

    Intuitive Focusing on “What is the One Small Thing?”

    Your Turn

    So, let’s use the Intuitive Focusing skill to find the “one small thing” to engage and motivate your target audience, be it consumers, citizens, volunteers, or employees. This could be the most important decision you make, so, one small session may not be enough, but it will start you thinking about Creative Edge engagement. It will put the pot on the burner so that creative insights can arise now or later.

    You can do this first step alone, by yourself, but even more productively with the appropriate group of problem solvers, benefiting from the Creative Edge Collaborative Thinking of many people.

    However, the best way to generate ideas for the “one small thing” is to initiate a Listening/Focusing Brainstorming process with the people at the bottom! We are not going to do that here, but it is essential to the process of motivating from the bottom up.

    As a group or individually, sit down and get comfortable, preparing to spend up to  twenty minutes letting right- and left- brain problem solving interact. Add another twenty minutes for group sharing. Keep a blank pad of paper in front of each person for gathering ideas.

    In a group, have one person read the following instructions aloud to everyone else. Everyone except the reader, close your eyes, focusing inward, on The Creative Edge…or, at least, look off “into space”. You want to access right-brain, intuitive thinking before you turn to more traditional “brainstorming” methods.

    Upon hearing the instructions, pay attention, inside, looking for the “intuitive feel” of answers – not what is immediately, intellectually known, but the right-brain, intuitive, murky, vague feel of what you know that is “more than words”…..leave at least a minute of silence between each instruction….(read more and find the actual Focusing Instructions at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1f.php)

    Dr. Kathy McGuire

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

    Five-Minute Grieving: What to do if a patient, friend, coworker starts crying

    By , October 29, 2007 4:30 pm

    Finding The Meaning Of Tears

    “Being Touched” and “Being Moved” : The Spiritual Value of Tears

    Download the above articles to learn more about the use of Intuitive Focusing to unravel the meanings signalled by tears.

    “Opening Up”, Not “Breaking Down”

    Most of the time, we walk around “being” our symptoms instead of “relating” to them. The physician’s office is a place where accidental openings into the “felt senses” underlying symptoms have an increased likelihood of happening. It thus becomes important for physicians, and other health professionals, to capitalize on these moments where the defenses fall, and the preverbal felt experiencing underlying symptoms, becomes available for transformation.

    Inter-office conflict or stress at home can also cause a co-worker or employee to “break down” and start crying. Or a friend may become teary while sharing. Instead of being afraid of a “break down,” see it as an “opening up,” an opportunity to unblock and build anew. See Culture of Creativity to understand the Creative Edge Core Principles underlying growth and creativity.

    People Are Skilled At “Not Crying”

    Five minute grieving is based upon the following premises, drawn from my 25-year experience as a psychotherapist and peer counseling teacher:

    • In general, people do not fall apart and cry and cry without stopping. In general, people do not cry for more than a few minutes at a time.
    • If tears are present, it is healthier for body and mind to allow their expression than to repress them. Tears also are the doorways into The Creative Edge, the possibility for change.
    • In general, people have a life-time of experience in being able to call up their defenses again, and go on as needed after a few moments of crying.
    • In the few cases where crying is uncontrollable, it is better to discover this vulnerability and get help, by referring to a counselor for psychotherapy and/or a psychiatrist for exploration of the appropriateness of anti-depressant medication.
    • In general, spending a few minutes making words for the “intuitive sense” underlying the tears will bring relief to the person, energy to the Listener, and a deep feeling of bonding and care between the two.
    • Allowing the tears also actually releases energy, letting the person go on to next steps of problem solving and action to be taken.

    Here follows a first step into the Creative Edge Focusing ™ Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening which I call “Five Minute Grieving,” especially for health professionals, but also for co-workers and friends in a pinch, if someone tears up or starts crying.  

    FIVE MINUTE GRIEVING

    Example from a physician’s office:

    You have just told a patient that tests have shown her to be infertile. Tears well up in her eyes.

    1. Invite her to cry. Say something like the following:
      • “In a minute we can discuss options, but let’s make room for your tears.”
      • “It’s okay with me to let your tears come.”
      • “It’s okay to cry.”
      • “You don’t have to hold back your tears.”
      • “It’s important to let yourself cry.”
      • “Just be gentle with yourself. Put your arms around yourself.”
    2. Empathize with the feeling without trying to “fix” it or take it away:
      • “I know it seems bleak right now.”
      • “I know it’s hard.”
      • “I see your sadness.”
      • “I’m sorry for your sadness.”
    3. Help her to find words or images for the tears. After she has cried for a while or at a natural pause in her tears, say something like:
      • “What are the words for your sadness?”
      • “Are there any words or images with your tears? It helps to get a handle on the feeling.”
      • “Can you say what’s the worst of it?”
      • “Can you say what you’re thinking?”
    4. Just be quiet and give the person some time to grope for words.
      • Empathize again, often by paraphrasing:
      • “So it’s (her words: “the fear that you’ll never be a mother;” “feeling like a dried up stick,” etc.) that’s hard.”
    5. Continue Steps 1-4 as long as makes sense.
      • Establish closure:
      • “We have to stop now.”
      • “We only have a minute before we have to stop.”
      • “I have to go, but you’re welcome to sit here for a minute until you’re ready to go.”
      • Or, if you are now going to continue with other aspects of the visit, “Let’s see if we can put aside the tears for now so that I can give you some more information and we can look for solutions to your situation.”
      • Orient the person, if necessary, by doing a “present time” exercise:
      • “I want to make sure you’re back out in the world before I send you off to drive home (or before we continue talking) . How about if you name all the circular (or orange, or striped, etc.) things in the room?”
      • At the end of the appointment, make a referral to a counselor or support group as appropriate and/or make arrangements for the person to check back with you for a future appointment.

    Of course, Five Minute Grieving  is just a first step toward fully incorporating Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening into your personal and professional life. I hope it will whet your appetite to pursue further training in PRISMS/S and the Creative Edge Pyramid for application of Listening and Focusing at all levels and at home as well as work  at www.cefocusing.com .

    You can begin with Free and Purchased resources by clicking on the Icons in the right sidebar on the main page. Helping professionals can order Dr. McGuire’s manual, The Experiential Dimension in Therapy and, in a Free Phone Consult with Dr. McGuire, can explore our Experiential Focusing Professional Training Program.

    ESCUCHA ACTIVA

    By , October 28, 2007 2:42 pm

    ESCUCHA ACTIVA

    Corte por lo Sano Confrontaciones Molestas

    REFLEJE, NO REACCIONE

    Alguien viene a Ud. furioso, completamente fuera de sus casillas, aparentemente sin haber sido provocado.  Ud. está sorprendido y desea devolver la agresión.

    En lugar de ello, Ud. puede neutralizar la furia de la otra persona simplemente respondiéndole de esta manera: (Escucha Activa)

    • – ¡Caray!! Algo te está perturbando realmente…”
    • – “¡Dices que estás completamente furiosa porque me olvidé aparecerme para el almuerzo!”
    • – “Ud. está molesto porque no está recibiendo el servicio que esperaba”
    • – “Ud. está muy molesto porque tuvo que pasar por otras oficinas antes de llegar a encontrarme”
    • – “Le molesta sobremanera el tener que pasar por todas esas respuestas telefónicas mecánicas, antes de poder hablar con un ser humano”

    Sí; este es el comportamiento que yo desearía que todos los representantes del servicio al cliente tuvieran para que cuando yo les llame furiosa, me respondan simplemente: “Siento mucho que esté tan perturbada” , “Dígame un poco más acerca de lo que le está molestando para poder ayudarla”, en lugar de adoptar el rígido: “Sólo estoy siguiendo las reglas de la compañía!”, o “Nunca cometemos errores!” ó, “Realmente no hay nada que pueda hacer por Ud.!”; actitud que me pone cada vez más furiosa!

    DESVIE Y NEUTRALICE la ira respondiendo simplemente con empatía:

    “Mire, me doy cuenta lo difícil que es esto para Ud”, “Realmente,  estoy escuchando lo frustrante que esto debe haber sido para Ud.”

    REFLEJE LAS PALABRAS….Y EL TONO EMOCIONAL…

    En oposición a la Escucha Pasiva donde Ud. simplemente ofrece su atención silenciosa al otro, diciendo mayormente: “Hmm”, ó, “Oh!”, ó “Já!”, etc., en la Escucha Activa, Ud. pone de lado todas sus típicas respuestas  (consejo, argumento, opiniones, solución de problemas, juicios) y simplemente intenta decir de vuelta lo que la otra persona está diciendo con un énfasis en el tono emocional si puede captar alguno.

    Ejemplo Uno: Cliente

    Cliente:  Me han colgado varias veces y después de sortear 16 mensajes telefónicos, tuve que comenzar de nuevo.  ¡Ya estoy en ese plan 10 minutos!

    Representante del Servicio al Cliente: “¡Oh. Lo siento mucho!”  ¡Ud. ha pasado 10 minutos frustrado y yo soy la primera persona con quien logra hablar!”

    Cliente: ¡¿Por qué no hay una manera sencilla de hablar con un ser humano?!!  ¡Odio esos mensajes telefónicos!!

    Servicio al Cliente: “¡Es muy frustrante para Ud.  tener que esperar y sobre todo la confusión por todos lados!”

    Cliente: “¡Ud. tiene razón!”

    ¡Bueno, vamos al asunto!: Este es el problema: Cambié mi dirección postal para los cobros y las facturas todavía están llegando a la dirección equivocada.  Sigo recibiendo un recargo por los pagos atrasados.

    Servicio al Cliente: “Bueno, ¡déjeme echarle un vistazo a su cuenta ahora mismo para ver qué podemos hacer!”

     Ejemplo Dos: Esposa

    Esposa: ¿Cómo pudiste olvidarte que teníamos un compromiso para comer con los Gonzáles a las 6 p.m.?

    Esposo: ¡Caray!  ¡Estás bien enfadada!  Debo haberme confundido en algún momento.  ¿Dices que olvidé el compromiso con los Gonzáles?

    Esposa: ¡Sí, tonto! Eran pasadas las seis y ¡estuve tratando de ubicarte con el celular! ¡Qué humillante!, ¿Dónde estabas?

    Esposo: “Así que estuviste tratando de ubicarme desde las seis y tuviste vergüenza de tener que pedir disculpas a los Gonzáles!”  Te preguntabas ¡dónde me habría metido!

    Esposa: “¡¿Por qué no contestabas tu celular?!!!”  “¡Para eso son!…para Emergencias como esta!”

    Esposo: “¡Entonces para ti fue una Emergencia y no había como ubicarme!  “Te preguntabas porqué no contestaba y dónde me había metido”.

    Esposa: “¡Sí!; ¡exactamente es eso lo que pasó!”  “¿Dónde estabas?”

    Esposo: “Bueno, ¡lo siento mucho!”  Vamos a ver qué fue lo que pasó.  Me quedé retenido por una reunión de Emergencia con mi jefe y no pude contestar el celular, ¡se hubiera puesto aún más molesto conmigo!  Creo que estaba tan contrariado con este enfrentamiento que se me olvidó completamente lo de los Gonzáles…Debí haber  tenido anotada la cena en mi Palm, pero creo que ni siquiera escuché el mensaje.  Estuve manejando, pensando qué hacer acerca de mi trabajo. ¿Qué puedo hacer para resolver el problema con los Gonzáles?  ¿Quieres que los llame para que nos reunamos otro día?

    Esposa: “¡Oh!, ¡no importa!”, “¡Ya pasó!”

      ¿Por qué no me dices qué fue lo que pasó en el trabajo mientras busco algo que podamos comer…?”

    Ejemplo Tres: Hijo

    Hijo: “¡Odio la escuela!  ¡No voy a regresar nunca más!  ¡Las maestras son todas unas tontas!!!

    Madre: ¡Caray! ¡Parece que algo te está perturbando mucho hoy día!” Tu maestra dijo algo tonto que te molestó…”

    Hijo: “¡No!,” “¡No me molestó a mí!”!  ¡”No me voy a molestar con tontas como esa!”.  ” ¡No me importe lo que piense!” “¡Simplemente no voy más!”

    Madre: “¡Así que no te molestó!”  No te van a molestar tontas como esa.  Ni siquiera te importa lo que piense.  Y ahora, tu dices que no vas a volver nunca más.”

    Hijo: (Lágrimas de dolor) “Ella dijo que nunca seré escritor…que ni siquiera sé puntuación (llorando)”

    Madre:”Así que tu maestra te dijo: “Nunca vas a ser escritor…”, “ni siquiera sabes puntuación…” y eso te está doliendo realmente!” “¡El escribir es muy importante para ti!”

    Hijo: (más lágrimas) “¡Para escribir se necesita algo más que puntuación!”  “Lo que estoy diciendo es mucho más importante… ¡estoy poniendo mi corazón en ello!”

    Madre: “Así que para ti, el escribir no es acerca de puntuación, sino acerca de lo que estás diciendo, que tú realmente puedes poner tu corazón en ello.  ¡Eso es lo que es importante!”

    Hijo: ¡Sí! (menos lágrimas), ¡eso es lo que me importa a mí!  La próxima vez, ¿me puedes ayudar con la puntuación para que ella no se burle de mí?

    Créalo o no, esta dispersión de la ira, hacia el dolor,  sucederá generalmente.  Y ¿qué puede perder Ud. si lo intenta?  En estas situaciones, no hay realmente ninguna otra forma milagrosa para enfrentarlas.

    La Escucha Focalizada, Destreza Básica de PRISMAS/S ES MUCHO MáS QUE solamente REFLEJAR.  En el Instituto de Focusing, o a través del manual, CD y DVD o su Paquete de Auto-Ayuda, Ud. aprenderá muchos matices:

    Cómo “pedir más” acerca de palabras que resaltan como si tuvieran luces de neón.

    Cómo usar Invitaciones al Focusing para ayudar al que habla a sentarse en silencio y “sentir adentro” del “sentimiento total” facilitando el Cambio del Paradigma, y

    Cómo, a veces, Ud. puede ofrecer su propio Compartir Personal (consejo, información, experiencias similares propias) siempre que regrese a la Escucha Activa, reflejando el impacto de sus palabras en la otra persona.

    Sin embargo, la simple Escucha Activa, el decir de vuelta las palabras del otro,  parece ser siempre lo más importante -lo único, simple y poderoso que Ud. puede hacer para aumentar la comunicación con la otra persona, mientras que, al mismo tiempo, le ayuda a encontrar sus propias soluciones a los problemas.

    Translation by Agnes Rodriguez, Certified Focusing Professional and Creative Edge Focusing Associate. Agnes offers inexpensive phone sessions of Active (empathic listening) so you can try it out and learn how to do it. Go to http://www.cefocusing.com/contact.php  and look at bottom for email address to contact Agnes.

    Dr. Kathy McGuire

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    http://www.cefocusing.com/

    COLLABORATIVE EDGE SEXUALITY: HEALING SEXUAL ABUSE

    By , October 27, 2007 5:24 pm

    Kathy’s Inner ChildrenKathy’s Favorite Childhood Photo: Undaunted!

    FOCUSING INNER CHILD WORK

    Focusing Inner Child Work With Abused Clients 

    (download this PDF file to see Dr. McGuire’s approach)

        Yes, if we are to work on healthy sexuality, we will have to look at the wide prevalence of sexual abuse, the wounds of which will crop up all around sexuality.

        What is the statistic? Is it 1 out of 2 women  and 1 out of 3 men report some kind of unwanted touching by age 21? Whatever the factual statistics, the number is huge, huge, enough that everyone needs an awareness of past abuse creeping into present relationships.

       Alice Miller, in her books including For Your Own: Hidden Cruelty In Childhood and the Roots of Violence, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/103-5665581-7820613?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Alice+Miller+For+Your+Own+Good&Go.x=12&Go.y=12, was one of the first to “tear the covers off” the culturally-accepted practices and mythology surrounding the physical and sexual abuse of children.

        I have had women tell me laughingly over lunch, “Oh, I even take my showers with my clothes on!” or “I’ve never had an orgasm. It’s fine with me and fine with my husband.”

        Equally likely, flashbacks to sexual abuse begin when  someone finally finds a loving relationship, enough safety to begin to let down defenses and begin to re-feel — and, bam, memories from the past arise because of this new-found safety.

       In this self-help context, I can only issue a warning to be on the lookout for signs and to seek appropriate help. The official “diagnosis” is often Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the same kind of intense “flashbacks” and other anxiety-related symptoms that Vietnam vets called to our attention.

       One finding about  PTSD from warfare was that soldiers who had already experienced trauma in childhood had an intensified likelihood of PTSD in wartime.

       Much research also substantiates that a huge percentage of those in prison, men and women, were victims of childhood physical and sexual abuse.

       Intellectual understanding is not sufficient for healing. Nor is it necessary or productive to be “re-traumatized” through the unsafe recall of memories. Therapies are body-centered, helping the client to pay attention to  “present bodily experience,” Gendlin”s “felt sensing,” the crux of Focusing. They also use “anchoring” and other techniques to produce a therapeutic setting where memories can be “re-experienced” within a safety that allows for “carrying forward.”

       There are also approaches to treatment which emphasize supporting couples working through sexual abuse issues. One such is Laura Davis, Allies In Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child. Read inspiring reviews of this book and the comfort it brings at http://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/customer-reviews/0060968834/ref=cm_cr_acr_dp_top/105-0394208-4450814?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&customer-reviews.start=1&qid=1193519753&sr=1-1#customerReviews

    You’ll find more books here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-0394208-4450814?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Sexual+Abuse+Couples+Therapy&Go.x=8&Go.y=13

       Some therapies that are especially useful in helping people to work through flashbacks and other symptoms, with empathy and support are:

    Focusing-Oriented Therapy (FOT): read about Focusing and Trauma at http://www.focusing.org/trauma.html and find additional Certified Professionals who do FOT  at http://www.focusing.org/trainers_search.asp

    Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing at http://www.traumahealing.com/

    Mary Armstrong’s work on Focusing and EMDR at http://www3.sympatico.ca/m.armstrong

    Hakomi Body-Centered Therapy: description at http://www.prajna-flowingriver.org/hakomi.htm. Hakomi Institute at www.hakomiinstitute.com and  Hakomi Resources at http://www.gregjohanson.net/page.asp?ID=4

    Find links to free articles, personality tests, multi-media Self-Help training, Classes and workshops

    Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

    The site of new insights and creative solutions is at the edge of what is already known. This edge, The Creative Edge, holds implicit within it all past and future knowing about the problem, more than could ever be put into words in a linear way 

    PADRES CRIANDO POSITIVAMENTE

    By , October 26, 2007 6:21 pm

     Conceptos Básicos de Focusing de Borde Creativo para Padres que Crían de Manera Positiva. 

    • ·        Para criar niños en el mundo de hoy, los padres deben ser “mentores” de sus hijos, para que sean independientes y flexibles en la solución de sus problemas y en la toma de decisiones.  Los niños necesitan guías, mentores como el personaje Yoda en StarWars, no personas autoritarias. 
    • ·        Los niños tiene un acceso natural al “sentir intuitivo” que es básico de Focusing Intuitivo.  La guía interna conduce a la toma de decisiones de manera independiente, tener una “consciencia” y tener una vida satisfactoria la cual satisface el proyecto detallado de vida en cuanto a  talentos específicos y a  aspiraciones únicas.
    • ·        La crianza positiva ayuda a los niños a mantener y desarrollar esta “guía interna”.  Al usar la Escucha Focalizada, los padres aprenden a ayudar a los niños a encontrar su propia solución a los problemas. 
    • ·        El abuso físico, sexual y emocional son el enemigo para desarrollar este sentido interno, esta consciencia y guía para la toma independiente de decisiones. Ellos enseñan a los niños a disociarse de sus cuerpos, desde su “experiencia Sentida” o su “sentir intuitivo”.
    •  ·        Educar a los padres para que críen a sus hijos no es suficiente; los padres deben sanar su propio “Niño Interno” antes de que puedan alterar su comportamiento hacia sus hijos.  El Proceso de Solución de Problemas PRISMAS/S con su destrezas básicas Focusing Intuitivo y Escucha Focalizada son necesarios para el cambio a nivel de Paradigmas cognitivos/emocionales/esquemas de comportamiento que determinan la conducta, las emociones y el pensamiento.       El kaleidoscopio tiene que virar…
    •  ·        Los padres pueden aprender a usar Escucha Focalizada y Focusing Intuitivo en su propia relación.  La Pirámide de Borde Creativo incluye aplicaciones de PRISMAS/S en muchos niveles.  Los padres pueden ayudarse unos a otros con la curación de su Niño Interno a través de turnos de Focusing en Pareja. Pueden usar también Focusing Interpersonal para resolver conflictos entre ellos mismos en cuanto a estilos de crianza. 
    • ·        Los Grupos de Apoyo en la crianza son absolutamente necesarios.  Cuando los padres comparten con otros padres pueden tener ayuda en épocas de crisis ya sea en sus matrimonios o como padres solteros.  La esencia de los grupos de apoyo consiste en (a) Ud. no está sólo, Ud. no es el único experimentando esas cosas, (b) Todos Uds. son expertos.  Al usar sus propios recursos pueden solucionar sus problemas, pueden mover montañas.  Los Grupos de Focusing y la Comunidades de Focusing proveen auto-ayuda, modelos de consejo de pares para grupos de apoyo. 

     CUATRO APLICACIONES DE LA ESCUCHA/FOCUSING PARA PADRES QUE CRIAN:Las destrezas básicas Focusing Intuitivo y Escucha Focalizada pueden ser aplicadas a la crianza de cuatro maneras diferentes, dos primariamente para sus hijos, y dos para Uds. como padres.  Le llamo a esto “Crianza Interna/Externa…” Lea más acerca de las destrezas arriba mencionadas y baje artículos a su computadora como: “Padres como Espejos: Previniendo el Narcisismo”. “Poniendo Límites Mientras se Permiten Elecciones” “Crianza Positiva: Escucharse a Sí Mismo, Escuchar a su Pareja, Escuchar a su Hijo” En: Creative Edge Focusing (Focusing de Borde Creativo)Área de Interés (Positive Parentering) Crianza Positiva http/: www.cefocusing.com/isthis you/3a1d.php 

    • Otros sitios web interesantes: 

    Jane Nelson (autora de Disciplina Positiva, mi libro favorito sobre crianza)

    www.positivediscipline.com 

    Programa de Entrenamiento Padre a Padre en CHADD (organismo nacional para Niños y Padres con Desorden de Déficit Atencional)

    www.chadd.org 

    Recursos y

    Entrenamiento del programa de crianza positiva

    www.positiveparenting.com   

    DRa. Kathy McGuire, Directora

     CREATIVE EDGE FOCUSINGTM  

    • www.cefocusing.com   
    • TraducciónAgnes Rodríguez. 

    PERSONALITY TESTS

    By , October 26, 2007 3:37 pm

    The Enneagram: Looking At Your Shadow Side 

    While the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (see description and tests at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2e.php#2e4 )stresses the positive, our “differing gifts,” The Enneagram helps us to take a brave look at our shadow side, our personal demon, and the motivations driving us.

    I find it interesting that, even if someone’s MBTI is exactly the same as mine, the person can seem to be very different from me in how they behave. Especially if I am getting into conflict with the person, I often try to figure out their Enneagram as well to see if that sheds light on the situation.

    There are nine basic personality types, refined by degree of interaction with the other types.  They are The Reformer, The Helper, The Motivator, The Artist, The Thinker, The Loyalist, The Generalist, The Leader, and The Peacemaker. However, complexities involve leaning toward one”wing” or the other and passing into a different type when ideal vs. under stress, etc.

    Riso’s book, Discover Your Personality Type: The New Enneagram Questionnaire (Houghton Mifflin, 1995) provides a simple description and test for exploring your Enneagram profile. However, Helen Palmer’s work with the Enneagram can lead to somewhat different results. Again, try several tests and see what you learn:

    More Personality Tests and a philosophy for conflict resolution through understanding Individual Differences at http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2e.php#2e4

    Dr. Kathy McGuire

    Director

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

    ACTIVE LISTENING: Short-Circuit Angry Confrontations

    By , October 25, 2007 2:47 pm

    Reflect, Don’t React

    Someone comes at you, seemingly out of the blue, absolutely furious. You are stunned and want to fight back. Instead, you can diffuse the other person’s anger by simply responding in an Active Listening way:

    • “Wow, something is really upsetting you…”
    •  “You’re saying you are absolutely furious that I forgot to show up for lunch”
    •  “You are really upset because you are not getting the service you expected”
    •  “You are really mad that you’ve had to go through four other departments just to reach me”
    •  “It really bothers you when you have to go through all those mechanical phone responses just to get to a human being” 

    Yes, this is the behavior which I wish customer service representatives had all been taught so that, when I call them, furious, they would just respond,” I’m sorry that you are so upset. Tell me more about what is bothering you so we can fix it,” instead of adopting that rigid, “I’m just following the rules,” “We never make mistakes,” “There’s really not anything I can do for you”  attitude that just makes me more and more angry!

    Bottom Line: deflect and diffuse anger by simply responding with empathy: “Boy, I can see how this is hard for you,” “I’m really hearing how frustrating this has been for you.”

    Reflect the Words…and the Feeling Tone…

    As opposed to Passive Listening, where you simply give your silent attention to the other, at the most saying “Ummmhmmm” or “Ah, hah!” or “Wow!”, in Active Listening, you set aside all your typical responses (advice, argument, opinions, problem-solving, judgments) and simply try to say back what the other person is saying, with an emphasis on the feeling tone, if you pick up any:

    Example One: Customer

    Customer: “I’ve just had to wade through 16 phone messages to get to you, and I was cut off and had to start all over. It’s taken me ten minutes already.”
    Customer Service: “ Wow! I’m so sorry! You’ve already been through ten minutes of frustration, and I’m the first person you’ve gotten to talk to.”
    Customer: “Why can’t there just be a simple way to talk to a human being?!! I hate these phone messages!!”
    Customer Service: “It is so frustrating to you to have to go through this waiting and confusion everywhere you go.”
    Customer: “Damn right! Okay, let’s get on with it. This is the problem. I changed my mailing address for my bills, and they are still going to the wrong address, and then I end up getting late fees.”
    Customer Service: “Okay, let me take a look at your account right now and see what we can do.”

    Example Two: Spouse

    Wife: “How could you have forgotten that we had a dinner engagement at 6PM with the Smiths???!!!!!!!!
    Husband: “Wow! You are really angry. I must have slipped up somewhere. You’re saying I forgot a dinner engagement with the Smiths?”
    Wife: “Yes, you idiot! It was at 6PM, and I’ve been trying to reach you on your cell phone. How humiliating!!!!! Where were you?!!!!!”
    Husband: “So you’ve been trying to reach me ever since 6PM, and it’s been embarrassing for you, having to make excuses to the Smiths. And you’re wondering where I was.”
    Wife: “How could you not answer your cell phone!!!! That is what they are for, emergencies like this one!!!!!
    Husband: “So, to you, this really was an emergency, and no way to get through to me. You’re wondering why I didn’t answer my cell phone and where was I anyway!!!!!!”
    Wife: “Yes, that is exactly right! So, where were you?”
    Husband: “Okay, I am so sorry. Let’s try to figure out how this happened. I got held up at an emergency meeting with my boss, and I couldn’t answer my cell phone. He would have gotten even madder at me….I guess I was so upset by this confrontation with him that I just absolutely forgot about the Smiths…..I should have had the dinner in my Palm Pilot, but I guess I didn’t hear that either…I was just driving and thinking about what to do with the work situation. What can I do to make this better now? Do you want me to call the Smiths and make another plan?”
    Wife: “Oh, that’s okay. It’s over now. Why don’t you tell me what happened at work while I find you something to eat….”

    Example Three: Child

    Child: “I hate school, and I’m never going again. Teachers are all idiots!!!!”
    Parent: “Wow, something is really upsetting you today. Sounds like a teacher did something stupid that bothered you…”
    Child: “No, it didn’t bother me!!!! I’m not going to get bothered by fools like that. I don’t care what they think!!!!! I’m just not going anymore!!!!!!”
    Parent: “So, it didn’t bother you. You’re not going to be bothered by fools like that. You don’t even care what they think. And, right now, you’re saying you are never going again.”
    Child: (tears of hurt coming) “She said I’ll never be a writer…that I don’t even know punctuation (crying).”
    Parent: “So your teacher said, ‘You’ll never be a writer…you can’t even do punctuation,” and that is really hurting you. Writing is very important to you.’
    Child: (more tears) “There is more to writing than punctuation….what I’m saying is way more important….I’m pouring my heart out.”
    Parent: “So, for you, writing is not about punctuation but about what you are saying, that you can really pour your heart out. That’s what’s important.”
    Child: “Yes (fewer tears)…that’s what matters to me. Next time, will you help me with the punctuation so that she can’t make fun of me?”

    Believe it or not, this diffusion of anger, usually to hurt, will happen. And what have you got to lose by trying? There really isn’t any other miracle way in these situations!

    Perhaps the idea of just “reflecting” the other person seems silly to you, like a parrot. However, when you are on the receiving end, just hearing your own words back without judgment or “fixing,” you will be amazed at what a rare blessing and relief it is just to be heard.

    Learn The Focused Listening Skill

    The Focused Listening Core Skill of PRISMS/S at Creative Edge Focusing (TM) is more than just reflecting.  You will learn many nuances:

    • how to “ask for more” about words with “neon lights” around them,
    • how to use Focusing Invitations to help the speaker sit quietly and “sense into” the “feel of it all,” facilitating a Paradigm Shift, and
    • how, sometimes, you can offer your own Personal Sharings (advice, information, own similar experiences), as long as you go back to Active Listening, reflecting the impact of your words on the other person.

    However, always, simple Active Listening, saying back, reflecting the words of the other, remains the core – the one, simple, most powerful thing you can do to increase communication with another person, while, at the same time, helping them to find their own solutions to their problems.

    Learn more about Focused Listening at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a2.php

    Apply Active Listening as “Five-Minute Grieving,” when patient, friend or colleague starts crying: http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1d.php

    Try “Passive Listening Turns,” a simple turn-taking protocol to turn arguments with significant others into creative problem solving: http://www.cefocusing.com/freeresources/2a1c.php

    See examples of  Interpersonal Focusing for conflict resolution: http://www.cefocusing.com/casestudies/6a3.php

    Purchase the Self-Help package of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) to learn how to apply all of these skills in friendship, love relationships, support groups, and work teams: http://www.cefocusing.com/services/5b1.php

    Find Certified Focusing Professionals offering Classes or Workshops in core Listening/Focusing skills World-Wide, in many languages at http://www.focusing.org/trainers_search.asp

    Find Coaching, Classes and Workshops with Dr. McGuire and Creative Edge Associates at http://www.cefocusing.com/store/categories.php

    Dr. Kathy McGuire

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

    PRISMS/S PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS

    By , October 24, 2007 6:42 pm

    PDF : PROCESO DE SOLUCION DE PROBLEMAS  PRISMAS/S at http://www.cefocusing.com/pdf/PROCESO%20DE_SOLUCION_DE_PROBLEMAS_PRISMA.pdf

    Reflecting Before Acting or Reacting

    The radical contribution of Gendlin’s Focusing (Bantam, 1981) and McGuire’s Creative Edge Focusing ™ is that the problem solver makes the explicit choice to pause and take some moments for silent reflecting before acting or reacting.

    Instead of simply repeating past reactions, the Focuser can create new, completely innovative solutions and behaviors from the “intuitive feel” of the whole situation.

    A quiet pause is needed in order to sense into the “intuitive feel,” The Creative Edge, of problems. Whether in private or in group decision making settings, these opportunities for pauses to contact and articulate the Creative Edge are what allow the creation of totally new ideas and solutions. No pauses, no creation of the new!!!!!

    Using the PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process is like passing light through a prism. A few moments of pondering, and The Creative Edge opens into a whole spectrum of new possibilities and action steps.

    Pausing To Ponder: From Problems To Possibilities

    The PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process includes seven ingredients of predictable “Ahah!” experiences using Creative Edge Focusing ™. With its Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening , PRISMS/S is based upon Eugene Gendlin’s “A Theory of Personality Change” (  http://www.focusing.org/gendlin/docs/gol_2145.html ) and his Focusing self-help book (Bantam, 1981, 1984), as well as Dr. McGuire’s thirty years of  experience integrating Listening/Focusing skills into task-oriented groups and supportive communities.

    PRISMS/S can be used on one’s own or with the help of Focused Listening in a Creative Edge Focusing Partnership, Focusing Group or Team, or Focusing Community. In any case, problem solving goes through the following steps:

    Pausing :  Clearing A Space for Problem Identification
    Reflecting: Listening To Oneself or Focused Listening from Another 
    Intuitive Focusing:  Back-and-Forth Between Symbols and Intuition
    Shifting:  The Kaleidoscope Turns And A New Paradigm Arises
    Movement:  Innovative Solutions and Action Steps Arise Spontaneously
    Satisfaction:  Tension Releases in the Sureness of “Ahah! That’s It!”
    Support: Listening/Focusing Partnerships Build Empathy and Community

    Pausing:  Clearing A Space For Problem Identification  

    As the first step of PRISMS/S, the Focuser sits down and takes a quiet moment to pay attention to the “intuitive feel,” the Creative Edge of consciousness.

    Right-brain Problem Solving Is Non-Linear

    Right-brain problem solving is non-linear. Wherever you start, you may find totally new directions, ideas, possibilities arising. This is exactly what you want!!!! But it means a relaxation around having to know exactly what the problem is and how it is going to come out before you begin!…….read more about PRISMS/S at http://www.cefocusing.com/coreconcepts/1a3.php

    Dr. Kathy McGuire

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

    POSITIVE PARENTING

    By , October 23, 2007 1:04 pm

    “Core Concepts of Creative Edge Focusing (TM) approach to parenting: 

    • In order to raise children for today’s world, parents must “mentor” their children for independent and flexible problem solving and decision making.  Children need guides, mentors : Yoda of Star Wars, not authoritarian police man.
    • Children have natural access to the “intuitive sensing” central to Intuitive Focusing . This inner guide leads to independent decision making, having a “conscience,” and having a satisfying life which fulfills one’s unique “blueprint,” specific talents and aspirations.
    • Positive Parenting helps children maintain and develop this “inner guide.” Using Focused Listening,  parents learn to help children find their own solutions to problems.
    • Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse are the enemy of developing this inner sensing, this conscience and guide for independent decision making.  They exactly teach children to dissociate from their bodies, from their “felt experiencing” or “intuitive feel.”
    • Educating parents for child rearing is not enough; parents must heal their own “Inner Children” before they can radically alter their behavior toward their children. The PRISMS/S Problem Solving Process, with Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening,  is needed for change at the level of Paradigms, cognitive/emotional/behavioral “schemata” that determine behavior, emotions, and thinking. The kaleidoscope has to turn….
    • Parents can learn to use Focused Listening and Intuitive Focusing in their own relationship. The Creative Edge Pyramid includes applications of PRISMS/S at many levels. Parents can help each other with Inner Child healing through Focusing Partnership turns. They can also use Interpersonal Focusing to resolve conflicts between themselves in terms of parenting styles
    • Parenting support groups are absolutely essential. Parents sharing with other parents can help them weather crises in their marriages or single parenthood. The essence of support groups is (a) you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing these things (b) you are all experts. Using the resources among you, you can solve problems, move mountains. Focusing Groups and Focusing Communities provide self-help, peer counseling models for support groups.

    Four Applications of Listening/Focusing to Parenting

    The Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening  can be applied to parenting in four different ways, two primarily for your children, and two primarily for yourselves as parents. I call this Inner/Outer Parenting…….”

    Read more, with links to self-help skills mentioned above, and download articles on

    “Parents As Mirrors: Preventing Narcissism,”

    “Setting Limits While Allowing Choices” 

    “Positive Parenting: Listening to Your Self, Listening to Your Partner, Listening to Your Child”

    at Creative Edge Focusing, Interest Area: Positive Parenting, http://www.cefocusing.com/isthisyou/3a1d.php

    Three other interesting sites about Positive Parenting:

    Jane Nelson (author of Positive Discipline, my favorite book on parenting)’s site, www.positivediscipline.com

    The Parent To Parent Training Program at CHADD (national organization for Children and Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder, www.chadd.org

    Resources and training from the Positive Parenting program, www.positiveparenting.com

    Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director

    Creative Edge Focusing (TM)

    www.cefocusing.com

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